Student or Learner
A decent wrestler graduated from Global Star Wrestling School under the guidance of his father, Mr Peter, former champion. The strict training there gives him a solid all round moveset and brawling skills. Everytimes he stepped onto the ring, the fans are expected to have a feast for the eyes with his flashy and dramatic performance. This wins a lot of praise and respect from fans. But he cannot get along with his peers well because his stiff wrestling style tends to injure his peers. There has been a great deal of publicity surround his conflict with other colleague. It will be a fatal flaw that can keep him from going far if unsolved. Therefore it is imperative to improve his stiffness and backstage attitude before becoming an exciting prospect and carrying on the legacy.
This is a short introduction with some newly learnt words,
Would you proofread the above passage, thanks for your help
Last edited by redgiant; 18-Dec-2008 at 13:34.
Mr Peter, former champion- If Peter is his first name and not his family name, I wouldn't use Mr- use that with the family name of when using both names. Also there's an article missing: a/the former champion, depending ion how great he was, and how many other champions there are. There's another missing article in the same sentence.
moveset- where did you find this? Onelook searches hundreds of dictionaries and none have it.
brawling- this suggests drunks fighting in a bar rather than professionals, especially with his good moves. In British English, people sometimes use 'grapple' in this context.
with other colleague- Plural?
before becoming - This doesn't sound right because the subject it 'it' not the wrestler, so I'd use 'before he becomes'.