There are minor mistakes in grammar and punctuation. Since you are writing for practice, however, may I propose a second draft. I would like to suggest:
- Everything you write is your opinion implicitly. Do not say "I believe", "I think", "in my opinion". On the other hand, if you have a story about yourself that illustrates a point you are making, don't hesitate to put it in: "I watched XXX once...".
- Each sentence should have a single point. Do not be afraid to use short, simple sentences, especially at the beginning and at the end of your paragraphs. Your first paragraph in particular suffers from overlong thoughts not clearly connected to each other.
- If you must combine your thoughts into compound or complex sentences, punctuate carefully between the clauses. Keep in mind the differences among a colon, semi-colon, and comma.
- Try not to write your paragraphs as a longer version of point-form outlines. In particular, the openings "First, Seccondly, In conclusion" are poor.
- Avoid the word "while". It is not precise. If you mean "although", say although. If you mean "but", say "but". Because "while" is so imprecise, it hides poor logical connections between thoughts. At least one of your "whiles" has this problem.
- Do not "use", ever. Everything you do makes "use" of something. Find more precise words for all of your "uses", "usings", and so on.
- Don't say "one"; nor "he/she". Either of these means you are not writing precisely. "One who needs to buy" is a "prospective buyer", for example. The word "people" is similarly dangerous. Be precise.
- Despite all this, you write very simply and directly. All of these points are things that native speakers struggle with. That is excellent.
If you write a second draft keeping these points in mind, you will have a very good piece.
- Your thesis is that technologies other than television have improved our lives more. Yet you mention only the internet and the mobile phone. Remember that three is the magic number, psychologically. Can you think of another technology?
- If television does not particularly help, does it positively harm? If it does, your argument becomes stronger.
- Could television improve daily life at all, even if superficially? Explicitly arguing against any putative benefits of television would strengthen your essay.
- Since this is a personal answer, can you remember any things that happened to you, to your family or friends, that support every point you make?
- In the end, can you speculate a little how future technologies may evolve? Will they become more like television, or less?
Student or Learner