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    #1

    compostion for correction

    Hi everybody

    Could someone please correct the composition for me?

    One dark, cold and rainy night, I ran into my house, drenched from head to toe. I looked out of the window, watching the rain pour from the sky. It was a wonderful sight.

    Mum told me to have a warm shower as I was all wet. I took her advice and headed for the bathroom straightaway. After the shower, I ran down to the living room. I turned on the television and was soon enjoying my favourite cartoons programme. My happiness was short-lived because I had hardly watched the programme for fifteen minutes when the television screen became dark. Soon I could see smoke coming from the back of the television which disappeared as soon as it came.

    I told Mum that the television was out of order and that I had seen smoke coming out from the back of the television. She told me that she would ask Father to try to fix it. After taking a close look, Father said the television was beyond repair as certain parts in the television set had been burnt.

    Ill buy a new one tomorrow, he said. I was very glad when I heard that because our existing television was bought many years ago.

  1. RonBee's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: compostion for correction

    Quote Originally Posted by Tan Elaine View Post
    One dark, cold and rainy night, I ran into my house, drenched from head to toe. I looked out of the window, watching the rain pour from the sky. It was a wonderful sight.
    Pretty good, but I would make a couple of minor changes. Try:
    One dark, cold and rainy night I ran into my house drenched from head to toe. I looked out the window and watched the rain pour from the sky. It was a wonderful sight.

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    #3

    Re: compostion for correction

    If I may just add:

    Your grammar is excellent enough that now you can look at the style. You may want to change the opening phrase. "It was a dark and rainy night" is such a cliche that even your wording, "One dark, cold and rainy night" seems too close.

    May I suggest:

    I ran into my house, drenched cold from head to toe. I looked out of the window into the darkness, watching the rain pour from the sky. It was a wonderful sight.

    • Member Info
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    #4

    Re: compostion for correction

    Many thanks, Ron Bee and Abaka. Your help and comments are deeply appreciated.

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