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    #1

    Question Poetry Correction


    Hi, hereís a piece of poetry translated into English. Would you please take a look at it, finding(and maybe correcting) its faults?

    Thank you.

    Unnoticed she left,
    And no letters, no words, no messages
    Were sent by her.
    I journeyed through the seven lands of love, seeking (for) her,
    I found her not on the alleys,
    Till the exile embraced my beloved,
    My heartís sorrows were renewed,
    And the sunís warmth came to an end.
    My cottage darkened,
    My fire despaired,
    My kissís blossoms withered on her portrait,
    The wind carried away the loverís souvenir.
    (the) Years passed by,
    And I found no euphoria, no rest, no vernal times,
    I journeyed through the seven lands of love, seeking (for) her,
    Without a remembrance left of all that past,
    Till the exile embraced my beloved,
    My heartís sorrows were renewed,
    And the sunís warmth came to an end.

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    #2

    Re: Poetry Correction

    Unnoticed she left,
    And no letters, no words, no messages
    Were sent by her.

    I journeyed through the seven lands of love, seeking (for) her,
    I found her not in the alleys.
    Till the exile embraced my beloved,
    My heart’s sorrows were renewed,
    And the sun’s warmth came to an end.

    My cottage darkened,
    My fire despaired,
    The blossoms of my kiss withered on her portrait,
    The wind carried away the lover’s souvenir.

    The years passed by,
    And I found no euphoria, no rest, no vernal times,
    I journeyed through the seven lands of love, seeking (for) her,
    Without a remembrance left of all that past,
    Till the exile embraced my beloved,
    My heart’s sorrows were renewed,
    And the sun’s warmth came to an end.

    This is poetry, obviously, but perhaps "vernal times" should be replaced with something else ("never a spring"?), and the fourth-last line read

    With no remembrance borne of all that past.

    Also, at the beginning, consider changing the second and third line to

    With no letters, no words, no messages
    Then or thereafter.

  2. chester_100's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: Poetry Correction

    Thank you very much,

    -And would you please write a couple of lines concerning the general emotional response
    of the poem?

    -is "euphoria" suitable here?

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    #4

    Re: Poetry Correction

    This part bothers me:

    Without a remembrance left of all that past,

    passed?
    left of the past?

  3. chester_100's Avatar
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    #5

    Re: Poetry Correction

    Dear susiedqq,

    By "past" I mean "time before the present" and by "remembrance" I mean the things that one may hold dear through that period and want to keep with himself.

    That period of time is gone(past) and somethings are left(remained).
    So, "Without a remembrance remained of all the past", may sound better.

    And what is your emotional response?

    THANK YOU

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    #6

    Re: Poetry Correction

    Quote Originally Posted by chester_100 View Post
    Thank you very much,

    -And would you please write a couple of lines concerning the general emotional response
    of the poem?

    -is "euphoria" suitable here?
    No, scarcely euphoria, unless the narrator is happy. Is he? I think you have in mind exaltation.

    I would suggest melancholy. If you want to combine the two, say exalted melancholy or melancholic exaltation; the noun denotes the more fundamental one.

    PS. Don't say "remembrance remained". It's not only unidiomatic, but a somewhat ridiculous alliteration. If you don't wan't to use "borne" (from bear=to carry, in your travels), keep "left". "That past" is a pun, but, as Susieqq says, perhaps it's better to avoid it.
    Last edited by abaka; 09-Feb-2009 at 22:09.

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