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    • Join Date: Aug 2008
    • Posts: 33
    #1

    please correct my Essay and please give a ascore



    Clearly, we can not denied that these days the society status of women has been changed in contrast of two last decades. Women often used to work at home as a housewife and they involved to train their children. But nowadays, most of them have educational degree and work out of the house. Some people are opponent of this new situation and they claim that working women out of the house has some bad effect in the society.

    Actually, one important reason that opponents say is increasing offensive among the juvenile. They claim this matter is made because mothers work out and could not pay attention to their children as much as they need. In fact , when mothers work at least 8 hours a day, they have no enough time to care for and train their children as much as before

    However, from psychological point of view, there is a directly positive connection between improving child care and maternal education, but it is required to spend time by their mothers. It definitely means that maternal education is not the disputing matter and the major problem is having no enough paying attention to children. As a matter of fact, this situation causes increasing offensives among youngsters.

    In my opinion, we should have society trainings in primary schools along sciences education. In fact, in this situation society training in schools is equally important as sciences training. Parents also need to be educated more through the tv, internet, newspapers and etc. In addition, another way to reduce the problem is telecommuting, working from home home with fax machine, and modem-equipped computer. Consequently, parents would spend more time beside their children and they could care better for their children.

    To sum up, firstly, training children is one of the most important thing in the society and it has to be required more attention. On the other hand, statistical studies show that we have more offensive in society than before. It means that these days taking good care of children is more important, and we need some society lessons in primary schools for children and education parent through the communications means. By the way, some problems undoubtedly would be solved by telecommuting.

  1. glitterstar101
    Guest
    #2

    Re: please correct my Essay and please give a ascore

    Hi Rezashena

    Clearly, we can not deny that these days the society status of women has been changed in contrast to the last two decades. Women often used to work at home as a housewife which involved caring and educating their children. Nowadays, a majority of these women have an educational degree and work out of the house. However, a minority of people still oppose this new situation and believe that women in the workforce can cause a negative effect in the society. For example: the increase in offences occurring amongst the juvenile. This minority of people opposing women returning to the workforce claim that Mothers’ priority of working eight hour days reduces time to care and educate their children hence negative effects in the society occurs.

    However, from a psychological point of view, there is a positive connection between improving child care and maternal education. Although, this requires Mothers to spend time…... The importance of maternal education is not a disputing matter but the major problem evident in society is the lack of attention given to children by their Mothers. As a result, offenses amongst youngsters are increasing.

    In my opinion, we should have society trainings in primary schools in combination with science education. In fact, in this situation society training in schools is equally important as science training. Parent’s education through media sources such as television, internet and newspapers is also important to prevent the escalating occurrences of juvenile offences. In addition, another way to reduce the problem is telecommuting, working from home with fax machine and modem-equipped computers. Consequently, parents could spend more time beside their children therefore resulting in better care for their children.


    To conclude, this essay has discussed the importance of children receiving attention and an education to contribute to a better society. This essay also discussed the reality of our society and how prevalent juvenile offences are. The role as a Primary School Educator should consider lessons in society to educate children and parents on the importance of telecommuting………Therefore, many problems occurring in society could be resolved.
    Science is not countable noun in this context
    Try and put this somewhere else. On the other hand, statistical studies show that we have more offensive in society than before. In conclusions you should not add any new information.
    I think you may need an introduction paragraph stating what the essay is about.
    I haven’t researched this topic so if my editing doesn’t make sense to you, change it. I haven’t graded it as I do not know what the expectations are of the marker.
    Good luck
    (Student teacher)

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