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    • Join Date: Jan 2009
    • Posts: 50
    #1

    check this out please..

    A Promise un kept


    Door bell ranged, I looked at wall clock, and it showed 4 p.m. And watched through peephole, aliya was standing another side of the door. I opened door she wildly jumped over me, and I hugged her warmly. I was feeling too happy to see her, as always she promise me, she would come to our back for some vacations. Her cute smiling face, tall height and with a good physical feature, where so changed even beyond recognition. She went to the Lahore three years ago, to study MBBS in the Lumhs.
    She came inside and went directly to the sitting room. I closed the door and followed her. She was not only my sister but very good friend. We had struggled hard in life together and come up hard way. I was still confused on his unexpected presence. I know at the hindsight it was obvious the she had never intended to keep her promises. I moved a side she entered inside home in the direction of the sitting room. I closed the door and followed her. She went to the washroom to refresh herself.
    Aliya sat down on sofa, and I brought coffee for her. She was very happy; she told me about her college and exam she gave last month. I had been listening with a great enthusiasm. She looked me up from the coffee she was sipping and smiled at me and adjusted to get more comfortable position. Before she can say something mobile started ranging up! We say each other, but either of us did not picked up the phone and mobile kept on ranging.
    I awakened by restless ringing of the mobile alarm. I struggled hard to sit up blearily –eyed. Clock on the corner table showed it was eight o’clock in the morning. I sat up in a daze and drowsily moved my eyes to search aliya, and thought of another broken promise. After while I could remember it was alarm to get up early so I can pick aliya from station as she was coming from Lahore. I jumped out of the bed to get ready.
    After ten minutes I came out of my room, hastily dressed, and picked all my personal belonging. As soon I opened the main door, oh! My God what I could see, aliya was already standing there to knock the door. I was frozen for a while after giving her glimpse, she hugged me and I could see tears coming out from her eyes. I picked up all her luggage and followed her to sitting room..

    kindly end this story beautifully..

    kindly marked me out of 30. and tell me ways to improve these mistakes.


    • Join Date: Oct 2006
    • Posts: 19,434
    #2

    Re: check this out please..

    Quote Originally Posted by Jamalmemon View Post
    A Promise un kept


    Door bell ranged The doorbell rang. I looked at the clock, and it showed 4 p.m. When I looked through the peephole, Aliya was standing on the other side of the door. I opened the door and she wildly jumped over me, and I hugged her warmly. I was feeling so happy to see her, as always she promises me, she would come to our house for some vacations. Her cute smiling face, tall height and with a good physical feature, where so changed even beyond recognition. She went to the Lahore three years ago, to study MBBS in the Lumhs.

    Once inside, she went directly to the sitting room. I closed the door and followed her. She was not only my sister but my very good friend. We had struggled hard in life together and come up the hard way. I was still confused by her unexpected presence. In hindsight, I know it was obvious the she had never intended to keep her promises. I moved aside she entered inside home in the direction of the sitting room. I closed the door and followed her. She went to the washroom to refresh herself.

    Aliya sat down on the/a sofa, and I brought coffee for her. She was very happy; she told me about her college and the exam she took last month. I listened with great enthusiasm. She looked up at me from the coffee she was sipping, smiled at me and adjusted to get more comfortable position. Before she can say anything her mobile started ringing! We say each other, but neither of us picked up the phone so it kept on ringing.

    I awakened by restless ringing of the mobile alarm. I struggled hard to sit up bleary –eyed. The Clock on the corner table showed it was eight o’clock in the morning. I sat up in a daze and drowsily moved my eyes to search for Aliya, and thought of another broken promise. After a while I remembered I had set the alarm to get up early so I can pick up Aliya from the station as she was coming from Lahore. I jumped out of bed to get ready.

    After ten minutes I came out of my room, hastily dressed, and picked up all my personal belonging. As soon I opened the main door, oh! My God what I could see, Aliya was already standing there about to knock on the door. I was frozen for a while. She hugged me and I could see tears coming out from her eyes. I picked up all her luggage and followed her to sitting room..

    kindly end this story beautifully.. Your story - I am sure you will have a beautiful end for it.

    kindly marked me out of 30. and tell me ways to improve these mistakes.
    ..


    • Join Date: Jan 2009
    • Posts: 50
    #3

    Re: check this out please..

    thanks ANGLIKA. but I was hoping that you`ll mark me up to for this..

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