Hi Tan Elaine,
Your narrative reads well. Your description of the witnessing of a robbery in progress and the ensuing action is vivid and real-to-life.
The only difficulty that a reader might have here is with the change that occurs within the second paragraph, where the narration suddenly, and without explanation, switches from 3rd to 1st person. The apparent omniscient view of Daniel is suddenly dropped and then replaced by a 1st person subjective narrative. This raises the following questions in the reader's mind:
From what perspective do you wish to tell your story? - from that of an objective and omniscient 3rd person narrator? - or from a subjective, and thus limited, 1st person narrator? Choose one and remain consistent.
- How would the (eventual) 1st person narrator be able to know what had internally motivated Daniel?
- When Daniel suddenly drops from the story, the focus is placed on the 1st person narrator. Why?
- What happened to Daniel?
- Are Daniel and the (eventual) 1st person narrator really one and the same person?
Finally, your last sentence may have a meaning that you do not intend. That is: The next morning, when they were still asleep, I told my parents about what I had done.Originally Posted by Tan Elaine
I've rearranged the sentence's clauses here to make clear the unintended ambiguity you have written into your sentence. Try this instead:
The next morning, I told my parents all that had occurred while they had been asleep.
Student or Learner