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    #1

    correction of short composition

    Hi fellow members

    Could you please correct any errors in the following short composition for me? Many thanks for your help.


    One evening, Daniel could not sleep as the weather was very warm. He walked to the window, hoping that it would be cooler there. However, he still felt warm as there was no breeze. Soon he saw a man trying to break into a flat opposite his. Daniel knew that his neighbours were not at home as they had told him that they were going on a holiday.

    He quickly telephoned the police to inform them of what he had seen. A police car arrived soon after. When Daniel saw it from his house, he quickly ran downstairs and, approached one of the police officers and pointed to the police where he had seen the thief. He also led them to the flat. The thief was still ransacking the house when the police rushed him. He was too shocked to resist. One of the officers handcuffed the thief and ordered him to get into the police car. One of the policemen thanked me and asked me to go to the police station with them as they wanted to record my statement. I agreed without hesitation and went into the car with them.

    The next morning, I told my parents about what I had done when they were still asleep. They were proud of me.

  1. Monticello's Avatar
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    #2

    Re: correction of short composition

    Hi Tan Elaine,

    Your narrative reads well. Your description of the witnessing of a robbery in progress and the ensuing action is vivid and real-to-life.

    The only difficulty that a reader might have here is with the change that occurs within the second paragraph, where the narration suddenly, and without explanation, switches from 3rd to 1st person. The apparent omniscient view of Daniel is suddenly dropped and then replaced by a 1st person subjective narrative. This raises the following questions in the reader's mind:
    • How would the (eventual) 1st person narrator be able to know what had internally motivated Daniel?
    • When Daniel suddenly drops from the story, the focus is placed on the 1st person narrator. Why?
    • What happened to Daniel?
    • Are Daniel and the (eventual) 1st person narrator really one and the same person?
    From what perspective do you wish to tell your story? - from that of an objective and omniscient 3rd person narrator? - or from a subjective, and thus limited, 1st person narrator? Choose one and remain consistent.

    Quote Originally Posted by Tan Elaine
    The next morning, I told my parents about what I had done when they were still asleep.
    Finally, your last sentence may have a meaning that you do not intend. That is: The next morning, when they were still asleep, I told my parents about what I had done.

    I've rearranged the sentence's clauses here to make clear the unintended ambiguity you have written into your sentence. Try this instead:
    The next morning, I told my parents all that had occurred while they had been asleep.

  2. Barb_D's Avatar
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    #3

    Re: correction of short composition

    Hi Tan Elaine,
    In addition to the comments above, see how many times you use the word "as" in the first paragraph? And the word "quickly" in the second? See if you can find a way to re-write so that you don't repeat the same word unless you really have no other choice. It will make your writing flow a bit better.

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    #4

    Re: correction of short composition

    Many thanks to both of you.

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