A more traditional approach would be to use the first paragraph, the story about the nine-year-old, to launch your case come to a conclusion. Instead, you depart from it and never look back. It makes the reader wonder why you told her story at all.
Think about your essay a a house with a foundation, a structure, and life inside. If your foundation is the story about the nine-year-old, what should the structure look like? How will you put life into it?
Or you could think of it as a journey. Your journey starts a nine-year-old girl. Where are you going? How will you get there? How will you know you've arrived?
Student or Learner