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    • Join Date: Jan 2009
    • Posts: 7
    #1

    (:Please corect my mistake:)

    What are the ways to make your home and neighborhood safer from crime?
    Firstly, we have a lot of problems with security. One of the most important of these is human health safety, next home and property security. These days, in Lithuania and my city is many crimes. Therefore, I want to give suggestions to make my home and neighborhood safer from crime.
    One of the most effective tools in fighting crime is the active participation of people who want to do something and reduce crime.You must teach to observe and report any suspicious activities in your neighborhood and call to the Police.
    Another way to make your homes safer from crime is to Lock your windows, doors and use your security system. As a result you will know that your home is being monitored and that your house will not be easy to rob.
    And finally, if you are traveling from home for long periods of time, you must to talk with neighbors about watching homes. Therefore your home will be safer.

  1. Monticello's Avatar
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      • United States
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      • United States

    • Join Date: Feb 2009
    • Posts: 455
    #2

    Re: (:Please corect my mistake:)

    Hi shateniuke,

    This is a good first draft. Writing, as you probably are already aware, is an iterative process. In other words, writing involves a series of revisions until one reaches "a finished piece." (For more on this, please consider reading through this instructive post: How much rewriting is enough?)

    Also, when shaping your paragraphs, you might consider the advice given here: Paragraphs.

    Why am I asking you to review these materials? Let's take your opening paragraph:

    Quote Originally Posted by shateniuke
    Firstly, we have a lot of problems with security. One of the most important of these is human health safety, next home and property security. These days, in Lithuania and my city is many crimes. Therefore, I want to give suggestions to make my home and neighborhood safer from crime.
    In your first sentence, "Firstly, we have a lot of problems with security." you state a generality. Immediately, in your next sentence, however, you begin to write about two particular types of security concerns, "human health safety" and "home and property security". And then in your third sentence, you abruptly "switch gears" back to the general aspects of security concerns, specifically in both Lithuania and your home town. Finally, in your last sentence, you state an intent for why you are writing this particular piece.

    What is the reader to make of this? Nothing presented here, in and of itself, is necessarily "off topic." Yet the reader goes from one sentence to the next without any sense of continuity. After such a disconnected opening, do you think that your reader will want to read on?

    Ah! But this is just a first draft. What's best about a first draft is often the process and not the product. And here the process is one of just spilling ideas onto the page. There they are! All of the ideas that you have presented in your first draft are suitable for your piece. Now they each need to be organized and developed into a cohesive presentation.

    To do this, focus each paragraph that you write on just one main idea. State this single idea in a strong topic sentence. Then follow this topic sentence with sentences that supply supporting details. Use a final sentence in each of your paragraphs to either summarize what you have already stated or to transition to the next paragraph's main idea. This is the basic technique of paragraph writing that you need to make your own. It will take some practice, but once you have mastered it, the act of writing will become its own reward.

    Why don't you make an attempt at a next draft with these things in mind?

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