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    • Join Date: Apr 2009
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    #1

    Question need help with this sentence

    Is the following sentence correctly constructed?

    Linear water canals, signature fountains, interactive child-play features, as well as innovative lighting and programming solutions balanced by the need to facilitate cost effective multi-decade maintenance functionality are all objectives which Hobbs can deliver excellence in Columbus.

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    • Join Date: Feb 2009
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    #2

    Re: need help with this sentence

    Quote Originally Posted by Mahobbs View Post
    Is the following sentence correctly constructed?

    Linear water canals, signature fountains, interactive child-play features, as well as innovative lighting and programming solutions balanced by the need to facilitate cost effective multi-decade maintenance functionality are all objectives which Hobbs can deliver excellence in Columbus.
    Hi Mahobbs,

    This sentence is so tightly packed that it gives the appearance of threatening to burst at its seams!

    Why not consider instead? :
    Hobbs has a proven record of successful projects and satisfied clients that spans _________. (Here provide the length of time that the company has been in business.) A sampling of just some of the projects that Hobbs has successfully delivered in the greater Columbus area includes: linear water canals, signature fountains, interactive child-play features, as well as innovative lighting and programming solutions -- all balanced by the ongoing need to facilitate effective maintenance functionality over the course of several decades.
    You may wish to include brief client testimonials that buttress your claim here. Also, before you do, some brief explanations about each of the above listed project types would be helpful to those potential clients who might be unfamiliar with what exactly these projects entail.

    Good luck!

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