I am sorry i can not correct your essay because im not a teacher but a learner.
I would like to tell you that your essay was excellent at least for me, it was organized well, and it is obviouse enough.Therefore, you succeeded in making your point of view understood.
Concerning your opinion, i say that i bring my view to yours because really both mother and father ought to participate in rainsing their children. Besides, father is usually strict in dealing with his children whearas mother is very compassionate.So, the former/father/ supplies his children by logic instructions and the latter/ mother/ supplies her children by passion. I think this is found in human beeing by nature.
Student or Learner