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    • Join Date: Jul 2009
    • Posts: 1
    #1

    Post please add, and correct my eassay as much as possible

    My fateher being in the millitary means a lot to me. For the past twenty years, he has contributed a lot to America as well as other countries. My father has taught me what partriotism really means, and how to survive in the world. Everyone that knew my father looked up to him, even many people that are older than him. He always set the example, and never lied. If someone wanted to join the Army right after high school he would sit them down and tell them the benefits of doing so but also he would tell them the benefits of going to school forst them think about joing. He always had passionate encouraging words to say. My father has shaped my path almost straight foward. Health Insurrance is not very cheap and because I am his dependent it is a lot less than it would be if I was not. When I go intio a store and buy certain things my millitary id card does not knock off everything by fifty percent but it does knock off a couple of dollars, but every little dollar off helps. I am going to follow in my fathers footsteps soon. This will be my first year at Albany State Uiversity in Georgia and I will start in Army R.O.T.C.

  1. csheywood's Avatar
    • Member Info
      • Native Language:
      • British English
      • Home Country:
      • England
      • Current Location:
      • Romania

    • Join Date: Mar 2008
    • Posts: 136
    #2

    Re: please add, and correct my eassay as much as possible

    Quote Originally Posted by quila22678 View Post
    My fateher being in the millitary means a lot to me. For the past twenty years, he has contributed a lot to America as well as other countries. My father has taught me what partriotism really means, and how to survive in the world. Everyone that knew my father looked up to him, even many people that are older than him. He always set the example, and never lied. If someone wanted to join the Army right after high school he would sit them down and tell them the benefits of doing so but also he would tell them the benefits of going to school forst them think about joing. He always had passionate encouraging words to say. My father has shaped my path almost straight foward. Health Insurrance is not very cheap and because I am his dependent it is a lot less than it would be if I was not. When I go intio a store and buy certain things my millitary ID: this abbreviation is usually written in capital letters card does not knock off In an essay, the language should be a little bit more formal; it should sound less like you're having a conversation with someone. So an expression like 'knock off' should be changed to 'give a reduction' everything by fifty percent but it does knock off a couple of dollars, but every little dollar off helps. I am going to follow in my fathers footsteps soon. This will be my first year at Albany State Uiversity in Georgia and I will start in Army R.O.T.C. You should give the full name and then write the abbreviation in parentheses/ brackets after.
    Hello and welcome,
    If you are given a title, it's helpful to write it; if you don't the reader has to guess what you want to say - remember they don't know you. So I am assuming the title has something to do with either your father or joining the army. In addition, it's good to organise the ideas you have to keep to the title/ question. Here, you have changed the point you are making about half way through the essay. All of it is valid but the point becomes confusing. A concluding sentence is like a summary for the reader, who has to take in quite a lot of information. This would be useful here as it seems to stop rather abruptly.
    A further point: watch out for spelling errors - if you don't check they can often cause a sentence to be difficult to read. I have underlined an example of this.

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