A Disastrous Violence (please check grammar error)

[flowerseed]

Dear native speaker teachers, I am practising putting what information I got in my own language into English. Please point out the errors I might have made. Many thanks in advance!


There was a terrible violence in one of the middle schools in a central province last month. A girl student and one of her female classmate were assaulted unexpectedly outside their classroom. After being beaten cruely for a while, the girl was stabbed in the face, which resulted in a deep rift of more than 16 cm. The cut bled terribly and the girl was turned down by a local clinic on the grounds that the cut was so deep that it was unable to treat it properly.

It is said that the gang who assaulted the girl student was made up of two males and 6 females. They were the father, brother and relatives of another girl student of the class who had previously quarreled with the victim. The eight of them drove in the campus in a car and when their girl identified the victim, they swamped towards the victim and another girl student, kicking and slapping them relentlessly. When they had had enough of their beating, the younger of the two males took out a knife and made a cut in the victim's face , after which they left the school proudly.

People can't help spreading this terrible violence to one another , all wishing mass attention will be drawn so that the wrongdoers would be held for justice as soon as possible.

 

[Lexi]

What a horrid story!

There was a terrible occurrence of violence in one of the middle schools in a central province last month. A female student and one of her classmates were assaulted unexpectedly outside their classroom. After being beaten cruelly for a while, the girl was stabbed in the face, which resulted in a deep cut of more than 16 cm. The cut bled terribly, and the girl was turned down by a local clinic on the grounds that the cut was so deep that it was unable to be treated properly.

It is said that the gang who assaulted the student was made up of two males and six females. They were the father, brother and relatives of another female student in the class who had previously quarreled with the victim. The eight of them drove into the campus, and when their girl identified the victim, they surged towards the two girls, slapping them relentlessly. When they had had enough of beating them, the younger of the two males took out a knife and slashed the victim's face, then left the school proudly.

People can't help spreading word of this terrible violence, all wishing mass attention will be drawn to it so that the wrongdoers will be be punished as soon as possible.

 

[flowerseed]

A revised version of my previous writing. Hearty thanks go to my dear friend Lexi, who helped me to correct the errors.

There was a terrible occurrence of violence in one of the middle schools in a central province last month. A female student and one of her classmates were assaulted unexpectedly outside their classroom. After being beaten cruelly for a while, the girl was stabbed in the face, which resulted in a deep cut of more than 16 cm. The cut bled terribly, and the girl was turned down by a local clinic on the grounds that the cut was so deep that it was unable to be treated properly.

It is said that the gang who assaulted the student was made up of two males and six females. They were the father, brother and relatives of another female student in the class who had previously quarreled with the victim. The eight of them drove into the campus, and when their girl identified the victim, they surged towards the two girls, slapping them relentlessly. When they had had enough of beating them, the younger of the two males took out a knife and slashed the victim's face, then left the school proudly.

People can't help spreading word of this terrible violence, all wishing mass attention will be drawn to it so that the wrongdoers will be punished as soon as possible.