A Fatal Accident

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Ayed

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Hi, my teachers .I just havegotten back :D
A short real story

There are many moments in one’s life either full of sorrow or delight.However, being a witness at some moments may put one into a ceaselessly psychologicl delima .My topic talks of a relative’s sad story took place three years ago.

Hussan is a young boy at 25 years old who lives in Riyadh city.One day , his small brother mohammad , 5 years old slipped away out of their house.Hussun got out of the house ; trying to catch up and grab his small sibling before crossing the street. Did he successfully catch him up?let us see what comes soon

When Hussun tried to grab his sibling , he heard squeak of a coming car wheels when the reckless driver tried to stop his car but knockd down and crossed over Mohmmad ; leaving him in a bloody pool.Hussun istantly shocked and got faint.An hour elapsed as he was unconscious.

Hussan got up when some water was splashed over him :cry: .He watched Mohammad’s corpse on the street while an ambulance car stopped beside and the corpse was lifted up on the stretcher.Hussun got home and was much psychologically sick.However, condolences were overwhelmed him.

Hussan and his family got many moving condolnces either from their own relatives or their friends .Right now, when Hussan hears such squeak of a skidding car he involuntarily runs and jumps here and there .He is affected with a conditioned state because he links the squak of any car to his sibling’s fatal accident.

In short, I see that innocent children should be much cared of by his family members at any time because they always mismeasure spatial distances.

I a faraid of Mr.RonBee may chop my story into slides :oops:
 

Tdol

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However, being a witness at some moments may put one into a ceaselessly psychologicl delima .

This sentence needs some work- the meaning is clear, but it doesn't sounds natural. I'd say the following:

However, witnessing certain things can leave you with an unending psychological dilemma.


Ron willp robably be along to do a proper job on this.;-)
 

Tdol

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I'll be back later to finish. ;-)
 

RonBee

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It's an interesting story. I think most of the problems have to do with usage more than anything else.

Ayed said:
There are many moments in one’s life either full of sorrow or delight.However, being a witness at some moments may put one into a ceaselessly psychologicl delima .My topic talks of a relative’s sad story took place three years ago.

In the first sentence, rather than ceaselessly, endless (or, as Tdol suggested, unending would be better. For the second sentence, try:
  • My topic is about a relative's sad story which took place three years ago.

Ayed said:
Hussan is a young boy at 25 years old who lives in Riyadh city.One day , his small brother mohammad , 5 years old slipped away out of their house.Hussun got out of the house ; trying to catch up and grab his small sibling before crossing the street. Did he successfully catch him up?let us see what comes soon

First sentence:
  • Hussan is a young boy at 25 years old who lives in Riyadh city.
Say:
  • Hussan is a young man who is 25 years old and lives in Riyadh.
Second sentence:
  • One day , his small brother mohammad , 5 years old slipped away out of their house.
The phrase you are looking for there is little brother. Also, slipped away implies that the person left undetected. Try:
  • One day, his little brother Mohammed, five years old, ran out of the house.
Third sentence:
  • Hussun got out of the house ; trying to catch up and grab his small sibling before crossing the street.
Unfortunately, got out doesn't work very well there. For one thing, it is not descriptive enough. Try:
  • Hussun ran out of the house and tried to catch up with his little brother before he could cross the street.
You could say Mohammed instead of little brother, but I think little brother works better there. Also, while small sibling is accurate, sibling isn't normally used that way.

Rather than "Did he successfully catch him up?" say, "Did he catch up with him?' Rather than, "let us see what comes soon" say, "Let's see what comes next."

:)
 

RonBee

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Even after I chop your story into little pieces you can always put it back together.

:)
 

Tdol

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Superb chopsmanship there, Ron.;-)
 

RonBee

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Ayed said:
When Hussun tried to grab his sibling , he heard squeak of a coming car wheels when the reckless driver tried to stop his car but knockd down and crossed over Mohmmad ; leaving him in a bloody pool.Hussun istantly shocked and got faint.An hour elapsed as he was unconscious.
Try:
  • When Hussun tried to grab his little brother he heard the squeal of an oncoming car. The driver had tried to stop, but he ran over Muhammed, leaving him in a pool of blood. Hussun went into shock and fainted. An hour elapsed as he lay there unconscious.

I used squeal rather than squeak because squeal suggests a sudden, loud sound, while squeak suggests a high-pitched sound like a mouse might make.

Ayed said:
Hussan got up when some water was splashed over him :cry: .He watched Mohammad’s corpse on the street while an ambulance car stopped beside and the corpse was lifted up on the stretcher.Hussun got home and was much psychologically sick.However, condolences were overwhelmed him.

Try:
  • Hussun came to when water was splashed on him. He saw Mohammad's corpse laying in the street. He watched as an ambulance stopped nearby and the corpse was lifted onto a stretcher. When he got home he was sick with grief.

One cannot be overwhelmed by condolences. I wasn't sure what the writer meant to say with that line, so I don't have any suggestions for revising it.

Ayed said:
Hussan and his family got many moving condolnces either from their own relatives or their friends .Right now, when Hussan hears such squeak of a skidding car he involuntarily runs and jumps here and there .He is affected with a conditioned state because he links the squak of any car to his sibling’s fatal accident.

Try:
  • Hussun and his family received many moving condolences from family and friends, but it did little to assuage their grief. Nowadays, when Hussun hears the squeal of a skidding car he involuntarily runs and jumps here and there. He associates the squeal of a car to his sibling's fatal accident.

I think you need to change "runs and jumps here and there" somewhat.

Ayed said:
In short, I see that innocent children should be much cared of by his family members at any time because they always mismeasure spatial distances.

Try:
  • In short, little children should be watched carefully, because they tend to misjudge distances. They don't know how dangerous it can be to run out into the street.

(Thanks, Tdol.)

:)
 

Ayed

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A Fatal Accident
There are many moments in one’s life which are either full of sorrow or delight. However, witnessing certain things can leave you with an unending psychological dilemma. My topic is about a relative's sad story which took place three years ago.
Hussan is a young man who is 25 years old and lives in Riyadh. On a summer day, his little brother Mohammed, five years old, ran out of the house. Hussan ran out of the house to catch up with his little brother before the last could cross the street.
The beginning of the accident starts when Hussan tried to grab his little brother he heard the squeal of an oncoming car. The driver had tried to stop, but he ran over Mohammed, leaving him in a pool of blood. Hussan went into shock and fainted. An hour elapsed as he lay there unconscious.
someone splashed some water on Hussan until he came to his feet and he saw his brother , Mohammad, laying in the street. He watched as an ambulance stopped nearby and the corpse was lifted onto a stretcher. The ambulance rushed to the hospital and mohammad was admitted to the entensive care. No sooner had Mohammad’s corpse been examined then a medical report was issued confirming that Mohammad’s death was due to a deadly hit on the head . Hussan and his parents transferred Mohammad’s corpse to the Al-Rajhi dead washing-

room .Two morticians washed , embalmed and coffined the corpse .They transferred Mohammad’s corpse to the mosque .They prayed and supplicated Allah may forgive and wipe out all Mohammad’s sins .They immediately carried the corpse on a bier and they went to Al-Oud graveyard where Mohammad was sadly burried forever.
Hussan and his parents came back home as they were sick with grief.
Hussan and his family received many moving condolences from family and friends, but it did little to relieve their grief. They move to another house so as to forget their sad memories .
Nowadays, when Hussan hears the squeal of a skidding car he gets faint . He associates the squeal of a car to his little brother’s fatal accident. This called the conditioned response or “ law of association” the process of bringing ideas or events together in memory when human brain is prompted by a same current stimulus.
In short, little children should be watched carefully, because they tend to misjudge distances. They don't know how dangerous it can be to run out into the street.


How is it now?
 

Tdol

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before the last could cross the street.


I'd either use 'latter' or simply 'he' (I don't think there would be much confusion)
 

Tdol

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The beginning of the accident starts

The accident started...
 

Tdol

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due to a deadly hit on the head

deadly blow
 

Tdol

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coffined the corpse

I'd say 'lay the bady in a coffin'. You could use 'corpse' as well, but we often say 'body' when we are talking about a person we know because it sounds less medical.
 

Tdol

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associates the squeal of a car to his little brother’s fatal accident
If use 'associates... with'

burried - buried


when human brain is prompted by a same current stimulus

the human brain... a similar stimulus' (I'd drop 'current')

Ayed,
This is a very good piece of writing. You have told the story in a rather moving way and drawn something out of it.
 

Tdol

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You're very welcome. ;-)
 
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