A Real Story But Stranger Than Fiction

Status
Not open for further replies.

Ayed

Junior Member
Joined
Oct 12, 2003
Hi, all of my teachers and visitors!Are you right right?I hope that

Stranger than Fiction
Written by Dr.Abdulwadood Shulubi
Translated by me

Had not the following strange unusual story narrated by an ex-Police Commander , published by the authentic scientific Magazine, “Civilization of Islam”issued in Syria during 1950s and edited by the famous scholar , the departed Dr.Mustufa Al-Suba’i , I would not believe a character of it at all .
Suliman Al-Alousi , an ex-General who worked for the Police narrates:
” At a hot summer night when the air got as tongues of flame , I walked to the Tigris river ; seeking for a breath of cool breeze to refresh myself.Sat on the shore at “1 .A.M”, I saw a surprising strange scence I have never ever seen in my life .I saw a frog coming in a hurry from the opposite shore .No sooner had it got to where I sitting , than a scorpion crawled down from the frog’s back heading to a pile of hay nearby.After some minutes ,the scorpion crawled back and hopped on the waiting frog’s back heading back to where they came from.”walked towards the pile of hay to figure out this strange mysterious trip, I found a guy lying on the piled hay . I thought:” The guy must have been stung to death by the scorpion that crawled away and carried by the frog that left “,Suliman added.
Perceived my presence ,the guy woke up asking me whether or not the time of Fajr(dawn)prayer had approached!Out of the blue, a stranger moment , a dead snake still bleeding closer to the guy !I recognized that the scorpion had stung the snake to death that was about to bite the guy. I contemplated :”would this happen in these nowadays!?It is a miracle from Allah, the Exalted for the guy’s sake that saved him from death. Suliman added:”As an ex-officer worked for the Police ,I sought information about the guy’s life .One of my previous assistant officers told me that the guy had been well known for his righteousness and piety .He he had been entirely dutiful to his crippled parents with diseases and he had often stayed up all nights for some years so late that he did not sleep until it started to dawn .He spent all his fortunes he had for his parents’ sake , for their health , for their peace of mind and for their good treatment until they passed away while they supplicating Allah , the Exalted to save and enter their son into the Paradise on the Judgment Day.
How is my translation?Clumsy!Ok !Thumb up or down?
 

Tdol

Editor, UsingEnglish.com
Staff member
Joined
Nov 13, 2002
Member Type
Native Language
British English
Home Country
UK
Current Location
Japan
It's an enteraining and lively read- I enjoyed it. Thumbs up. And good on the frog and the scorpion.;-)
 

Ayed

Junior Member
Joined
Oct 12, 2003
Thank you tdol for your comments.
We still waiting to come over here. :wink:
 

Tdol

Editor, UsingEnglish.com
Staff member
Joined
Nov 13, 2002
Member Type
Native Language
British English
Home Country
UK
Current Location
Japan
You're welcome, Ayed. I do like the image of a frog giving a scorpion a lift to help. ;-)
 

RonBee

Moderator
Joined
Feb 9, 2003
Member Type
Other
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
Ayed said:
Hi, all of my teachers and visitors!Are you right right?

"Are you right right?" is not a common English expression, but I rather like it. :wink:

Stranger than Fiction
Written by Dr.Abdulwadood Shulubi
Translated by me

Ayed said:
Had not the following strange unusual story narrated by an ex-Police Commander , published by the authentic scientific Magazine, “Civilization of Islam”issued in Syria during 1950s and edited by the famous scholar , the departed Dr.Mustufa Al-Suba’i , I would not believe a character of it at all .

You need a verb in there. Try:
  • Had not the following strange and unusual story been narrated by an ex-Police Commander , published by the authentic scientific Magazine, “Civilization of Islam”issued in Syria during 1950s and edited by the famous scholar , the departed Dr.Mustufa Al-Suba’i , I would not believe a bit of it.

Ayed said:
Suliman Al-Alousi , an ex-General who worked for the Police narrates:
” At a hot summer night when the air got as tongues of flame , I walked to the Tigris river ; seeking for a breath of cool breeze to refresh myself.Sat on the shore at “1 .A.M”, I saw a surprising strange scence I have never ever seen in my life .I saw a frog coming in a hurry from the opposite shore .No sooner had it got to where I sitting , than a scorpion crawled down from the frog’s back heading to a pile of hay nearby.After some minutes ,the scorpion crawled back and hopped on the waiting frog’s back heading back to where they came from.”walked towards the pile of hay to figure out this strange mysterious trip, I found a guy lying on the piled hay . I thought:” The guy must have been stung to death by the scorpion that crawled away and carried by the frog that left “,Suliman added.

A few things.

Say:
  • On a hot summer night when the air was as hot as tongues of flame, I walked to the Tigris river.

Don't use "for" with "seeking". ("Seeking" is equivalent to "looking for", so I guess you could say the "for" is built in.)

I'll be back with more comments later.

:)
 

Ayed

Junior Member
Joined
Oct 12, 2003
Here you go!
The fat is in the fire!My topic is in RonBean grinder :lol:
Just give back some bones :shock:
 

RonBee

Moderator
Joined
Feb 9, 2003
Member Type
Other
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
Ayed said:
Sat on the shore at “1 .A.M”, I saw a surprising strange scence I have never ever seen in my life .

You can't use the past tense there. Such a phrase requires a participle. Also, that sentence is rather redundant. Try:
  • Sitting on the shore at 1am, I saw something I had never seen before in my life.

Of course, you don't have to put it exactly that way. There are several ways to say that. (Note that I omitted the scare quotes from "1am" in my revision.)

Ayed said:
I saw a frog coming in a hurry from the opposite shore.

How did you know the frog was in a hurry?
:wink:

(Perhaps you could say it was moving very fast.)

Ayed said:
No sooner had it got to where I sitting , than a scorpion crawled down from the frog’s back heading to a pile of hay nearby.

I think you left out something there. Didn't the frog stop before the scorpion crawled off the frog's back?

Rather than heading, say and headed. Also, delete the comma after was sitting. (I know, the was isn't exactly there, but it should be.)

Ayed said:
After some minutes ,the scorpion crawled back and hopped on the waiting frog’s back heading back to where they came from.

Rather than heading back, say and they headed back. Thus, it would read:
  • After some minutes, the scorpion crawled back and hopped on the waiting frog's back, and they headed back to where they came from.

A rather strange scene indeed!

:)
 

Ayed

Junior Member
Joined
Oct 12, 2003
Thank you Mr.RonBee. I appreciate your responses,man!

shokrun luka :lol:
 

RonBee

Moderator
Joined
Feb 9, 2003
Member Type
Other
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
Ayed said:
walked towards the pile of hay to figure out this strange mysterious trip, I found a guy lying on the piled hay .

Perhaps:
  • I walked towards the pile of hay to see if I figure out what was going on, and when I got closer I saw a man lying on the pile of hay.

The word "guy" is okay for informal speech, but it does not work very well in a narrative.

:)
 

RonBee

Moderator
Joined
Feb 9, 2003
Member Type
Other
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
Ayed said:
I thought:” The guy must have been stung to death by the scorpion that crawled away and carried by the frog that left “,Suliman added.

You don't need the quote marks there. (In fact, it is a little confusing.) Try:
  • I thought the man must have been stung to death by the scorpion that left on the back of the frog.



:)
 

RonBee

Moderator
Joined
Feb 9, 2003
Member Type
Other
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
You need to make paragraphs, thus:

  • Stranger than Fiction
    Written by Dr.Abdulwadood Shulubi
    Translated by me

    Had not the following strange unusual story narrated by an ex-Police Commander , published by the authentic scientific Magazine, “Civilization of Islam”issued in Syria during 1950s and edited by the famous scholar , the departed Dr.Mustufa Al-Suba’i , I would not believe a character of it at all .

    Suliman Al-Alousi , an ex-General who worked for the Police narrates:
    ” At a hot summer night when the air got as tongues of flame , I walked to the Tigris river ; seeking for a breath of cool breeze to refresh myself.Sat on the shore at “1 .A.M”, I saw a surprising strange scence I have never ever seen in my life .I saw a frog coming in a hurry from the opposite shore .No sooner had it got to where I sitting , than a scorpion crawled down from the frog’s back heading to a pile of hay nearby.After some minutes ,the scorpion crawled back and hopped on the waiting frog’s back heading back to where they came from.”walked towards the pile of hay to figure out this strange mysterious trip, I found a guy lying on the piled hay . I thought:” The guy must have been stung to death by the scorpion that crawled away and carried by the frog that left “,Suliman added.

    Perceived my presence ,the guy woke up asking me whether or not the time of Fajr(dawn)prayer had approached!Out of the blue, a stranger moment , a dead snake still bleeding closer to the guy !I recognized that the scorpion had stung the snake to death that was about to bite the guy. I contemplated :”would this happen in these nowadays!?It is a miracle from Allah, the Exalted for the guy’s sake that saved him from death. Suliman added:”As an ex-officer worked for the Police ,I sought information about the guy’s life .One of my previous assistant officers told me that the guy had been well known for his righteousness and piety .He he had been entirely dutiful to his crippled parents with diseases and he had often stayed up all nights for some years so late that he did not sleep until it started to dawn .He spent all his fortunes he had for his parents’ sake , for their health , for their peace of mind and for their good treatment until they passed away while they supplicating Allah , the Exalted to save and enter their son into the Paradise on the Judgment Day.
 

Ayed

Junior Member
Joined
Oct 12, 2003
Thank you Mr.RonBee for your efforts exerted on my topic.
I appreciate all that you have done on my topic.
Again, thank you very much.
8)
 

RonBee

Moderator
Joined
Feb 9, 2003
Member Type
Other
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
Ayed said:
Thank you Mr.RonBee for your efforts exerted on my topic.
I appreciate all that you have done on my topic.
Again, thank you very much.
8)

You are quite welcome. Translating cannot be easy. Now I'll see if I can finish. Feel free to comment on my suggestions.

:)
 

RonBee

Moderator
Joined
Feb 9, 2003
Member Type
Other
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
Ayed said:
Out of the blue, a stranger moment , a dead snake still bleeding closer to the guy !

Unfortunately, "out of the blue" doesn't work very well there, although there is the element of surprise. However, the surprise was that he saw something unusual, not that something (or someone) did something surprising. Perhaps:
  • Then I saw another surprising sight. Near the man lay a dead (or dying) snake, its life's blood oozing out of it.

Ayed said:
I recognized that the scorpion had stung the snake to death that was about to bite the guy.

  • I realized that the scorpion must have stung the snake to death just as the snake had been about to bite the man.

Ayed said:
I contemplated :”would this happen in these nowadays!?It is a miracle from Allah, the Exalted for the guy’s sake that saved him from death.

  • I wondered how such a thing could have happened. I decided that it must have been a miracle from Allah the Exalted that saved the man from death.

Ayed said:
Suliman added:”As an ex-officer worked for the Police ,I sought information about the guy’s life .One of my previous assistant officers told me that the guy had been well known for his righteousness and piety .

The first sentence is a little awkward. Try:
  • Suliman added: "As an ex-police officer, I sought information about the man's life. One of my former assistant officers told me that the man had been well known for his righteousness and piety.

Ayed said:
He he had been entirely dutiful to his crippled parents with diseases and he had often stayed up all nights for some years so late that he did not sleep until it started to dawn .He spent all his fortunes he had for his parents’ sake , for their health , for their peace of mind and for their good treatment until they passed away while they supplicating Allah , the Exalted to save and enter their son into the Paradise on the Judgment Day.

The first sentence, especially, is rather awkward. Try:
  • He had been entirely dutiful to his crippled parents, and he had often stayed up so late taking care of them that he did not sleep until dawn. He spent his entire fortune taking care of his parents, making them as comfortable as possible. On their part, they supplicated Allah the Exalted to save and enter their son into Paradise on Judgement Day.

(Please note what I left out of my revision.)

What do you think?

:)
 

Ayed

Junior Member
Joined
Oct 12, 2003
Mr.RonBee!How come a student dare to comment on his teacher's corrections?In what world! :oops:
It is funny for me to correct your amenments, Louisian man!. 8)

what do think :lol:
 

RonBee

Moderator
Joined
Feb 9, 2003
Member Type
Other
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
Well, I appreciate your comments, but I do think it is important for me to get your opinion on things. After all, my job is to help you express yourself better, and I can do that better if I know how accurate you think my interpretations are.

Thanks.

:D
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top