After Bob had returned from the war

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Bassim

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I am wondering if my sentences are grammatically correct.

After Bob had returned from the war in Iraq, he was never the same. His marriage fell apart, he became homeless and heavy drinker. If it had not been for his old friend Marco, who let him stay in his home, he would have probably lost his life.
 

emsr2d2

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I am wondering if my sentences are grammatically correct.

After Bob [STRIKE]had[/STRIKE] returned from the war in Iraq, he was never the same again. His marriage fell apart, he became homeless and [STRIKE]heavy[/STRIKE] [STRIKE]drinker[/STRIKE] started drinking heavily. If it [STRIKE]had[/STRIKE] were not [STRIKE]been[/STRIKE] for his old friend Marco, who let him stay in his home, he would [STRIKE]have[/STRIKE] probably [STRIKE]lost his life[/STRIKE] be dead [by] now.

See above.
 

GoesStation

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Bob was never the same after he returned from the war in Iraq. This saves a word but more importantly, it puts the subject of the story, Bob, at the beginning and removes the comma that interrupted the flow in the original version.
 

Bassim

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GoesStation,

Thank you again. I really like your correction of the above sentence. Your sentence flows smoothly.
 

GoesStation

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Thank you again. I really like your correction of the above sentence. Your sentence flows smoothly.
You're welcome. Your little narratives often start with a clause which demands a comma. This makes sentences "heavier", less smooth. I recognize this because my first drafts often contain a lot of examples of this construction. I can't tell you how many times I've rearranged a heavy sentence and vastly preferred the result.
 
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