After his father died in a traffic accident

[Bassim]

I am wondering if my sentences sounds natural. Would you please correct my mistakes?

After his father died in a traffic accident, John, who was 18 at that time, became the head of the household. He worked at the butcher's, and took care of his two sisters and his ill mother.

 

[GoesStation]

I'd eliminate the comma after "butcher's". Other than that, they're OK.

Can you revise the first sentence to begin the story with John?

 

[Bassim]

GoesStation,

Would this version be OK?

John, who was 18 at the time of his father's death in a traffic accident, became the head of the household. He worked at the butcher's and took care of his two sisters and his ill mother.

 

[GoesStation]

Yes, that's OK. Can you revise it again to eliminate both commas? (Watch out for dangling modifiers.)

 

[emsr2d2]

Unless the reader/listener knows which butcher's you're talking about, I'd use "a butcher's".

 

[GoesStation]

Also, I didn't notice that butchers lacked a required apostrophe.

 

[emsr2d2]

The apostrophe was there in post 1 but not in post 3.

 

[Bassim]

What about this version?

Eighteen years old John became the head of the household after his father's death in a traffic accident.

 

[emsr2d2]

What about this version?

[STRIKE]Eighteen years old[/STRIKE] Eighteen-year-old John became the head of the household after his father's death in a traffic accident.

See above.