Are these sentences correct?

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JRD

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Please note that our truck's registration is going to be expired in Jun 2010
Regarding the renewal of registration and passing. we need to replace some spare parts, and to do some urgent maintenance work as well. So, I took a quotation from the authorized dealer in order to carry out these work, the quotation amount is $0000.00
Under the circumstances, I would request you to look into this matter and advise me
 
 

 

Raymott

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Please note that our truck's registration
[STRIKE]is going to be expired[/STRIKE] in Jun 2010. "is going to expire" or simply "expires"

Regarding the renewal of registration and passing [passing what?], we need to replace some
[STRIKE]spare[/STRIKE] parts, and [STRIKE]to[/STRIKE] do some urgent maintenance work [STRIKE]as well[/STRIKE].
You don't replace spare parts on a truck. You replace old parts for new 'spare parts'. They aren't spare when they're on the truck.
You don't need "as well". "Need to [replace ... and do ...]"

So, I took a quotation from the authorized dealer in order to carry out this work; the quotation amount is $0000.00. That's cheap!

Under the circumstances, I would request you to look into this matter and advise me
That's grammatical. 
 
R.
 

JRD

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Thank you for your swift reply, Can I write secoond sentence as follows.

As for the renewal of registration and insurance. we need to carry out some urgent maintenance work, and replace necessary parts. So, I contacted the authorize dealer M/S XXXx and obtained a quotation in order to carry out this work; the quotation amounting to $XXXX.XX
 

Raymott

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Thank you for your swift reply, Can I write secoond sentence as follows.

As for the renewal of registration and insurance, we need to carry out some urgent maintenance work and replace necessary parts. So, I contacted the authorized dealer, M/S XXXx, and obtained a quotation [STRIKE]in order to carry out this work the quotation [/STRIKE] which amounted to $XXXX.XX
The original uses too many unnecessary words. But it's essentially correct.
 
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