Attempt to improve writing skills, is this correct?

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Anonymous

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I have been given this article and I have to make it readable it is about the current dispute between British Airways and its employees happening in the UK please note that the exercise is designed to “Test Writing skills” rather than your knowledge of the subject matter, so one does not need to know about the dispute itself.

Your article should show
1) A sensible ordering of the information
2) A clear, concise and readable style.

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- Last weekend: unofficial strike by British Airways workers. Caused by BA introducing an automated clocking in system for workers at Heathrow and Gatwick.
- Talks between BA and trades union started because Amicus and the GMB union said they had started balloting their members on an official strike
- There were talks between BA and staff on Wednesday night
Talks ended Thursday
BA and staff both said progress was made
- The negotiations were between BA and Amicus. Amicus is the Transport and General Workers Union.
- Sir Bill Morris was main negotiator for the union. He’s the general secretary of Amicus.
- BA said talks were “spirited” and that there was some progress
- This is BA’s busiest time of year
- Staff say they will begin more industrial action within 5 weeks if the talks don’t solve things
- BA introduced the automated system on Wednesday despite the opposition
- Most of BA’s customer service staff are members of Amicus or the GMB union
- BA has stopped its TV adverts which tried to promote its low fares and customer service by showing delayed/cancelled flights and empty check in desks at their rivals.

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Here is my attempt at the article:

Last weekend: unofficial strike by British Airways workers caused by BA introducing an automated clocking in system for workers at Heathrow and Gatwick.

BA introduced the automated system on Wednesday despite the opposition.

This is BA’s busiest time of year.

BA has stopped its TV adverts which tried to promote its low fares and customer service by showing delayed, cancelled flights and empty check in desks at their rivals.

Most of BA’s customer service staff are members of Amicus or the GMB union.

Talks between BA and trades union started because Amicus and the GMB union said they had started balloting their members on an official strike.

Staffs say they will begin more industrial action within 5 weeks if the talks don’t solve things.

The negotiations were between BA and Amicus. Amicus is the Transport and General Workers Union.

Sir Bill Morris was main negotiator for the union. He’s the general secretary of Amicus.

There were talks between BA and staff on Wednesday night, talks ended on Thursday,
BA and staff both said progress was made.

BA said talks were “spirited” and that there was some progress.


Please offer any suggestion on how to improve the article.
 

RonBee

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I have just a couple of suggestions.

BA introduced the automated system on Wednesday despite the opposition.

What opposition to what by whom? Those are important details that I think should be mentioned at that point.

BA has stopped its TV adverts which tried to promote its low fares and customer service by showing delayed, cancelled flights and empty check in desks at their rivals.

Make that: "BA has stopped its TV adverts which tried to promote its low fares and customer service by showing delayed, cancelled flights and empty check in desks at their rivals's check-in counters."

Overall, it looks pretty good.
 

Tdol

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Staff say they will begin more industrial action within weeks if the talks don’t solve things.

How about using 'take' instead of 'begin'? ;-)
 

RonBee

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I would prefer to replace "industrial action" (which seems kind of fuzzy to me) with something like strike or work stoppage. It's better to be specific.
 

Tdol

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'Industrial action' is widely used in BE. Strange, given that it involves stopping work. ;-)
 

RonBee

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tdol said:
'Industrial action' is widely used in BE. Strange, given that it involves stopping work. ;-)

I could figure it out from the context with no trouble, but I don't think it's used in AE.
 
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