"Better" than "This"

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RonBee

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Re: Edit this paper

AlboBoy said:
A Day I Will Never Forget.

Good title!

AlboBoy said:
It was early summer of 1999, and I had never seen a beautiful day like that one.
Try:
  • It was early summer of 1999, and I had never seen a more beautiful day than that one.
AlboBoy said:
It looked to me that Mother Nature had achieved perfection that day.
Try:
  • It looked to me like Mother Nature had achieved perfection that day.
AlboBoy said:
I could see everybody happy, except me.
This abrupt change in tone contradicts everything that has come before. Are you sure about that line?
 

RonBee

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Almost five years ago, on June 3, 1999 me and my parents left Italy and came to the United States. I recall that day as the saddest one of my life.
Try:
  • Almost five years ago, on June 3, 1999, my parents and I left Italy to come to the United States. I recall that day as the saddest one of my life.
I changed it from and came to to come because you put the focus on leaving, so I thought that was appropriate.

What do you think?

:)
 

RonBee

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AlboBoy said:
I think thats what i want to show, a sad moment

I think you might want to find a different segue, however.

(Say: "I think that's what I want....")

:)
 

RonBee

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Can it be "BETTER "?

AlboBoy said:
Yeah you right

WHAT ELSE?

The rest of it when I have time. :)

(Say: you're right)

:)
 

RonBee

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Why did you delete the original post? I can now no longer make any suggestions.

:(
 

MikeNewYork

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RonBee said:
Why did you delete the original post? I can now no longer make any suggestions.

:(

Hmmm. :roll:
 

RonBee

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I'd also like to know how he changed the title of this thread. (At least two times.)

:?
 
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