Correct my story please....

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Dear teachers, although I am not a professional teachers, I teach some children at my home and I have taught them "sh" and "ch" sounds recently. Now I have written a story to reinforce the concept. Could you please check my story. Please do make corrections if there are.
"Once upon a time there was cheeky chick. The chick bought a chair. The chair was not expensive. It was cheap. He pushed the chair home. A cat saw him with the new chair. She soon built a wish to enjoy sitting on it. She chased after the chick. The chick got into the house and banged the door shut. It was very dark inside but the cat had sharp eyes. She cheerfully waited for the chick to sleep. When suddenly she heard some shouts from outside. It was a dog. She got scared and shrank behind the cupboard. She hit her shin with the cupboard
and shrieked loudly. This captured the dog's attention and she had to flee way leaving her wish
unfulfilled."
Best Regards!
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David L.

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She began to wish she could sit on it.

and banged the door shut. - 'banged' is possible. It is the sound the door makes when it is slammed shut...so, 'and slammed the door shut' is another way of putting it.

When suddenly she heard some shouts from outside. - 'when' would be correct if you had written : She cheerfully waited for the chick to sleep, when suddenly she heard some shouts from outside.
Otherwise : She cheerfully waited for the chick to sleep. Then suddenly she heard some shouts from outside.

She got scared and shrank behind the cupboard. She hit her shin on the cupboard : try to avoid using the word' got' in the children's writing, and yours. Instead, 'she felt scared', 'she became scared'.

and she fled (way-omit) leaving her wish unfulfilled." You changed the tense by using 'had', and it doesn't follow logically from just capturing the dog's attention. If you had written: '...dog's attention and he started to chase her. She had to flee...'
'away' is implied in 'flee' We would use it if you had written, ...and she had to run away, leaving...
 

Dawood Usmani

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Aug 24, 2007
Member Type
English Teacher
Native Language
Urdu
Home Country
Pakistan
Current Location
Pakistan
"Try to avoid using the word' got' in the children's writing, and yours. Instead, 'she felt scared', 'she became scared'."

Why should we try to avoid using "got"? Is there anything I should know about?
Best regards!
Dawood :lilangel:
 

Dawood Usmani

Senior Member
Joined
Aug 24, 2007
Member Type
English Teacher
Native Language
Urdu
Home Country
Pakistan
Current Location
Pakistan
She began to wish she could sit on it.

and banged the door shut. - 'banged' is possible. It is the sound the door makes when it is slammed shut...so, 'and slammed the door shut' is another way of putting it.

When suddenly she heard some shouts from outside. - 'when' would be correct if you had written : She cheerfully waited for the chick to sleep, when suddenly she heard some shouts from outside.
Otherwise : She cheerfully waited for the chick to sleep. Then suddenly she heard some shouts from outside.

She got scared and shrank behind the cupboard. She hit her shin on the cupboard : try to avoid using the word' got' in the children's writing, and yours. Instead, 'she felt scared', 'she became scared'.

and she fled (way-omit) leaving her wish unfulfilled." You changed the tense by using 'had', and it doesn't follow logically from just capturing the dog's attention. If you had written: '...dog's attention and he started to chase her. She had to flee...'
'away' is implied in 'flee' We would use it if you had written, ...and she had to run away, leaving...
I'm still waiting to know why we should avoid using "got". Could you please take out a little time for me dear David?
Best regards!
Dawood :lilangel:
 
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