Dear teachers again, please advise on the passage! Thanks :(

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Helped Wanted

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Houyi (or Yi) was the hero who shot the suns in the ancient mythology of China.

Legend says Yi was very good at archery. There were once ten suns in the sky, which made plants wither, and fierce beasts run wild to imperil people. It was too hot to live under the suns. To save the people, Yi started to shoot the suns. He shot down nine of them one by one, and he might have shot the last one if it was not called off by others. Thus the severe drought was gone. He also got rid of those fierce animals for the people.

It is said Yi's wife was Chang'e, a legendary lady in the famous story, "Chang'e flying to the moon." Chang'e swallowed the elixir stolen from her husband, and she flew to the moon and became the goddess of the moon, who has lived in the palace on the moon ever since.


Please advise if there's any corrections needed in the above passage. THanks for helping to proof-read it...Many many thanks again! :"(
 

RonBee

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Re: Dear teachers again, please advise on the passage! Thank

Helped Wanted said:
Houyi (or Yi) was the hero who shot the suns in the ancient mythology of China.

Helped Wanted said:
Legend says Yi was very good at archery. There were once ten suns in the sky, which made plants wither, and fierce beasts run wild to imperil people. It was too hot to live under the suns. To save the people, Yi started to shoot the suns. He shot down nine of them one by one, and he might have shot the last one if it was not called off by others. Thus the severe drought was gone. He also got rid of those fierce animals for the people.

I would change the second sentence slightly. Try:
  • There were once ten suns in the sky, which made plants wither, and fierce beasts run wild, which endangered people.

I would change Yi started to shoot the suns to Yi shot the suns.

Instead of if it was not called off by others, how about if he had not been stopped by others?

Say: "Then the severe drought ended."

Instead of got rid of those fierce animals, how about destroyed the dangerous beasts?

Helped Wanted said:
It is said Yi's wife was Chang'e, a legendary lady in the famous story, "Chang'e flying to the moon." Chang'e swallowed the elixir stolen from her husband, and she flew to the moon and became the goddess of the moon, who has lived in the palace on the moon ever since.

Rather than a legendary lady, make that the legendary lady. Make that last clause a sentence. (You have who referring to moon.)

:)
 
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