grammar error

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tachi

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i was yelled at for my grammar errors in the following text
but i read it over and over and couldn't figure what's wrong?
help?

A fallen leaf disturbed the surface of a placid lake
Alluding to the quandary hidden within me
Through the reflection I saw a face I coveted so dearly
Reached out my hand to touch
Found the tenderness to be your affectionate kiss
I lingered along the stream
The sky started to change its tone
Once a clear blue sky turned into an endless night
Stars shine above
Reminding me of a indelible pain
You stepped out of my life but left pieces of our memories behind
Living in a lamentable dream
where my last line was replaced by my wounded heart's cry
 

Tdol

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Other than changing 'shine' to the past, there are no real grammatical errors. The absence of punctuation means that the reader has to imagine how to contruct it. I'd also move 'once' in line eight to after the indefinite article. ;-)
 

Tdol

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I can't anything to yell about.;-)
 

RonBee

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I would say in the reflection.
Perhaps:
  • In the reflection I saw a face I coveted dearly.
    I reached out my hand to touch it.
    I found the tenderness to be your affecionate kiss.

:)
 

RonBee

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Re:
  • I lingered along the stream
    The sky started to change its tone
    Once a clear blue sky turned into an endless night
    Stars shine above
    Reminding me of a indelible pain
Perhaps:
  • I lingered along the stream.
    The sky changed colors.
    A sky of clear blue turned into an endless night.
    The stars shone above,
    Reminding me of a indelible pain.

What do you think?

:)

(When editing your work you must have some detachment. It is perhaps easier to edit the work of others.)

:)
 
T

tachi

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hey
i just notice something
"Reminding me of a indelible pain"
should it be
"Reminding me of an indelible pain" ?
 

Tdol

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It should be, but it's still not yellable territory. ;-)
 

RonBee

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tachi said:
hey
i just notice something
"Reminding me of a indelible pain"
should it be
"Reminding me of an indelible pain" ?

Yes, you are right. It should be an indelible pain. Of course, as Tdol noted, it is nothing to yell about. :wink:

(Say: "I just noticed something.")
(Say: "Shouldn't it be....")

:)
 
T

tachi

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(When editing your work you must have some detachment. It is perhaps easier to edit the work of others.)

:)

what does that mean?
i really don't understand....
reviewing my voc now......
 
T

tachi

Guest
(When editing your work you must have some detachment. It is perhaps easier to edit the work of others.)

:)

what does that mean?
i really don't understand....
reviewing my voc now......
 

Tdol

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When you look at your own work, you see it with biased eyes, or, at least, it all looks familiar. An outsider can look more objectively.;-)
 

Tdol

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When you look at your own work, you see it with biased eyes, or, at least, it all looks familiar. An outsider can look more objectively.;-)
 
T

tachi

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tdol said:
When you look at your own work, you see it with biased eyes, or, at least, it all looks familiar. An outsider can look more objectively.;-)
......
really???
but really i didnt copy....
i swear....
 
T

tachi

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tdol said:
When you look at your own work, you see it with biased eyes, or, at least, it all looks familiar. An outsider can look more objectively.;-)
......
really???
but really i didnt copy....
i swear....
 

Tdol

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That's not what I meant at all. If you read my work, you might spot mistakes I missed. That's all. ;-);-)
 

Tdol

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That's not what I meant at all. If you read my work, you might spot mistakes I missed. That's all. ;-);-)
 

RonBee

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It's easier for me to find Tdol's mistakes than it is for him.

:wink:
 

RonBee

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It's easier for me to find Tdol's mistakes than it is for him.

:wink:
 
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