help to write a formal letter

[patou_phoenix@yahoo.fr]

Hi,
I a student in exchange UK from switzerland,
I'm trying to write a formal letter to enrol me in an english school. So this lettre is so important for me, but write something formal in a foreign language is quite difficult.
Please can you help me!
Thanks you so much
So this is the best I can do:

Dear Sir/Madam

I am actually completing the second year of a Fine Arts Bachelor course
in
Switzerland, and nevertheless, I'm very interested to continue and
finish my
education in your institution.

Before I apply to your entrance examination, for the third or
eventually
the second year courses, I would like to be certain that it's possible:
despite the Bologna agreement, I heard that my credits where not always
recognized in all Art schools.
I would be grateful if you could inform me about that.

I enclose a copy of my ECTS credits and a detailed account of my
educational
background.
Should you wish to, please do not hesitate to contact me.

yours faithfully

 

[Anglika]

Dear Sir/Madam

I am a second year student on a Fine Arts course in Switzerland, at [name of institution], and am interested in transferring to [name of institution] to complete my Bachelor's course.

Before I apply to you for the third year or even your second year courses, I would like to be certain that it's possible. Despite the Bologna agreement, I have heard that my credits will not always be recognized in all art schools.
I would be grateful if you could inform me about that.

I enclose a copy of my ECTS credits and a detailed account of my educational background.

If you need more information, please do not hesitate to contact me.

I look forward to hearing from you.

yours faithfully

.

 

[Snowcake]

Hello, I hope it's okay to modify the letter, but not because it was not good enough. I've thougt it would be fine to start differently with the sentences in order to avoid repetitions.

Dear Sir/Madam

I am a second year student on a Fine Arts course in Switzerland, at [name of institution], and am interested in transferring to [name of institution] to complete my Bachelor's course.

Before I apply to you for the third year or even your second year courses, I would like to be certain that (if instead of that?) it's possible. Despite the Bologna agreement, I have heard that my credits will not always be recognized in all art schools.
I would be grateful if you could inform me about that.

I enclose a copy of my ECTS credits and a detailed account of my educational background.

Enclosed you find a copy of ...

If you need more information, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Please do not ... , if you ....

I look forward to hearing from you.

Thanks in advance for your attention to this matter.

yours faithfully

.

You shouldn't forget to say thanks. ;-)

 

[Anglika]

Sorry, Snowcake. There are problems with your suggestions.

Enclosed you find a copy of ...

No - ungrammatical. Keep to my phrasing or "Enclosed please find a copy..."

Please do not ... , if you ....

Not the way it is usually phrased. Again, keep to the advised phrasing.

Thanks in advance for your attention to this matter.

Not normally used.

 

[Snowcake]

Thank you, Angelika.

We've learnt these phrases at our vocational college that prepares for the exam for a foreign language teacher.
We had to learn all these phrases by heart. No one has ever advised us that there might be some mistakes in our book (a German one with phrases in English-German) except one teacher, but he doesn't teach this subject (business letter writing), so his influence is quite small. Once he tried to intervene and informed the other teachers, but there are convinced that it's easier to teach and learn with the book, especially for themselves.
Well, my exam is going to take place in June and I'm quite worried because of all these mistakes. :-?

Sorry for my detailled answer. It didn't mean to digress that far. Besides I didn't want to give false information to Patou.

Thank you so much.