Hi~ anyone can help me out with this essay?

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joetmh

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Hi.. anyone remember me? well.. i guess u don't.. it's been a long time since i came back here... I came here today with two purposes... first one is to specially thanks to those who helped me out last year.. Sir Ronbee..and others.. Ronbee helped me the most.. well.. thanks to him... i got an A2 for my 1119 GCE-level test... :)

ok.. my another purpose.. can anyone here just look through my essay and if there's any error or u can gimme a better sentence pls change it...thanks..

THE ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES OF TELEVISION

Since the very first television was invented, our world has leaped a big step across technology. Decades ago, telelvision has always been one of the favourite entertainment among families. Throughout these years, the essentiality of television is undeniably true. However, the pros and cons of it are not to be neglected.

As the saying "laughter is the best medicine" suggest, some television programmes such as comedies and cartoons can make us burst into laughter and eventually unwinding us from the stress of gruelling workloads. Moreover, we can widen our knowledge by watching documentary programmes suck as National Geografic, imagine how amusing it is when faraway places being brought into our living rooms, exposing us to the beauty of mother nature, cultures of different races.

Sometimes, we can even catch the latest events going on around the world on television via satelite such as CNN and so forth. That way, it's impossible we can be outdated from the recent news. Of course, seeing is believing, therefore people usually prefer televisions to newspapers as it's more realistic and visual. Television too, can keep us at home rather than loafing around outside wasting time or indulging in vice activities.

Besides that, television is also useful to many companies to advertise their products to people. On the other hand, television can also helps a lot in our critical thinking so that we can look things in different views and perspectives.

Although it can be seen that television benefits everyone immensely, it's flaw too are inevitable. Long hours of watching or not sitting at the adequate distance can result in permanent eye damage. Television programmes such as dramas can be a form of addiction. Most of the people has the habit of serving junk food while watching television programmes, this will only lead to obesity.

Besides, children tend to be so obssesed to some television programmes that they can't even concentrate on their homeworks.This way, they tend to waste more time and have to burn the midnight oil, thus causing fragility the ne\xt morning. This is an adverse circulation of life.

At times, there will be some unhealthy activities in television programmesthat are not meant for teenagers such as gangsterlism, sexuality, all these will affect teenagers' behaviours as they tend to mimic the bad aspects shown in the television. As the consequences, some audacious teenagers are prone to indulge in crimes, thus increasing crime rates in our country.

One other point is, some products advertised on television may be misleading, thus causing consumers to buy things that are not even worth the price.

All in all, bla bla bla.. ( i cant think of an ending... :) )

So... anyone has a better suggestion in changing any sentences in here and welcomed.
 

Tdol

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I'm in a rush, but I'll get things started:

Since the very first television was invented, our world has leaped a big step across technology.

I see no need here for the 'very first'- invention implies that. The next phrase doesn't really work- you could say 'there have been great strides' or 'there have been great leaps forwards in technology'. ;-)
 

RonBee

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Since the very first television was invented, our world has leaped a big step across technology.
Try:
  • Since the television was invented, there have been great leaps forward in technology.
(Thanks to Tdol.)

:)
 

RonBee

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Decades ago, telelvision has always been one of the favourite entertainment among families.
Try:
  • For decades, television has been a popular family entertainment.

It certainly has been a while--more than two months. I'm glad you did well on your exam.

:D
 

RonBee

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Throughout these years, the essentiality of television is undeniably true. However, the pros and cons of it are not to be neglected.
It's hard to tell what you mean by that first sentence. Perhaps:
  • Television has become a big part of everyday life.
For the second sentence, perhaps:
  • There are pros and cons of television viewing.
Or:
  • Television certainly has its pros and cons. It has its good points and its bad points.
Or:
  • It has its pros and its cons.

:)
 

Tdol

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As the saying "laughter is the best medicine" suggestS
 

RonBee

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As the saying "laughter is the best medicine" suggest, some television programmes such as comedies and cartoons can make us burst into laughter and eventually unwinding us from the stress of gruelling workloads.
Say as the saying suggests. For that first sentence, try:
  • As the saying "laughter is the best medicine" suggests, some television programmes such as comedies and cartoons can make us burst into laughter and help us unwind from the stress of the workday.

Moreover, we can widen our knowledge by watching documentary programmes suck as National Geografic, imagine how amusing it is when faraway places being brought into our living rooms, exposing us to the beauty of mother nature, cultures of different races.
Better to split that into at least two sentences. Try:
  • Moreover, we can widen our knowledge by watching documentary programmes such as those on the National Geographic channel. Television both educates and entertains us, bringing faraway places to our living rooms, exposing us to the beauty of mother nature and cultures foreign to our own.

What do you think? Did I change too much?

:)
 

RonBee

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Sometimes, we can even catch the latest events going on around the world on television via satelite such as CNN and so forth. That way, it's impossible we can be outdated from the recent news. Of course, seeing is believing, therefore people usually prefer televisions to newspapers as it's more realistic and visual. Television too, can keep us at home rather than loafing around outside wasting time or indulging in vice activities.
You need to simplify that somewhat. Perhaps:
  • With the advent of twenty-four hour news channels such as CNN and Fox News we can now find out about the latest happenings around the world any time of the day. It is easy to keep informed about the latest news events. Of course, seeing is believing; therefore people usually prefer television to newspapers. Television too, can keep us at home rather than loafing around outside wasting time or ...
Use television for the medium, televisions for more than one of the device. I wasn't sure how to end that last sentence. Unfortunately, there is no such English phrase as vice activities. (Vice is not an adjective. It is only a noun.)

I am trying not to rewrite it using my own words too much. I hope I do a passable job of that.

:)
 

RonBee

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Besides that, television is also useful to many companies to advertise their products to people. On the other hand, television can also helps a lot in our critical thinking so that we can look things in different views and perspectives.
  • Besides that, television is also useful to many companies for advertising their products to people. Television can also help us with our critical thinking skills by showing us different perspectives on things.
In the first sentence, you might want to say products and services. Don't use On the other hand unless you are stating an alternative to something else.

:)
 

RonBee

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Although it can be seen that television benefits everyone immensely, it's flaw too are inevitable. Long hours of watching or not sitting at the adequate distance can result in permanent eye damage. Television programmes such as dramas can be a form of addiction. Most of the people has the habit of serving junk food while watching television programmes, this will only lead to obesity.
In that first sentence, inevitable does not work. Perhaps:
  • Although it can be seen that television benefits everyone immensely, its flaws are apparent.
I want you to rewrite the rest of the sentences yourself, but keep in mind that eating the junk food will make you fat, but serving it will not. :wink:

BTW, what kind of junk food do they have in China?

:)
 

RonBee

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Besides, children tend to be so obssesed to some television programmes that they can't even concentrate on their homeworks.This way, they tend to waste more time and have to burn the midnight oil, thus causing fragility the ne\xt morning. This is an adverse circulation of life.
Say: obsessed with. Say: can't concentrate on their homework. (You don't need even there.) Try something else besides fragility the next morning. What is an adverse circulation of life? (You might want to rewrite that somewhat.)

At times, there will be some unhealthy activities in television programmesthat are not meant for teenagers such as gangsterlism, sexuality, all these will affect teenagers' behaviours as they tend to mimic the bad aspects shown in the television. As the consequences, some audacious teenagers are prone to indulge in crimes, thus increasing crime rates in our country.
Say: on television. Say: As a consequence.


One other point is, some products advertised on television may be misleading, thus causing consumers to buy things that are not even worth the price.
It's the ads that might be misleading. (Television is not unique in that respect.) You do not need even in that sentence.

I'm finished for now.

:)

Any comments on my comments?

:)
 

bmo

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RonBee said:
I want you to rewrite the rest of the sentences yourself, but keep in mind that eating the junk food will make you fat, but serving it will not. :wink:


This is BMO. Joetmh did not come back, can I try?

joetmh said:
Although it can be seen that television benefits everyone immensely, it's flaw too are inevitable. Long hours of watching or not sitting at the adequate distance can result in permanent eye damage. Television programmes such as dramas can be a form of addiction. Most of the people has the habit of serving junk food while watching television programmes, this will only lead to obesity.

Although it can be seen that television benefits everyone immensely, its flaws are apparent. For example, it has been shown that long hours of watching television continuously and/or not sitting at an adequent distance from it can cause permanent eye damages. In addition, one may get addicted to television programming such as dramas much like a drug abuser or alcoholic to cocaine and liquor. I should also point out that people have the habit of serving junk food while you are watching television, and eating those junk food can lead to obesity.

joetmh said:
Besides, children tend to be so obssesed to some television programmes that they can't even concentrate on their homeworks.This way, they tend to waste more time and have to burn the midnight oil, thus causing fragility the next morning. This is an adverse circulation of life.

Furthermore, some children tend to be obsessed with certain television programming they can’t concentrate on their homework. They waste valuable time and often must stay late, burning the midnight oil to complete the homework assignment. And in the following day, they are tired; they can’t concentrate in the classroom. This seems like a vicious circle in the making.

joetmh said:
At times, there will be some unhealthy activities in television programmes that are not meant for teenagers such as gangsterlism, sexuality, all these will affect teenagers' behaviours as they tend to mimic the bad aspects shown in the television. As the consequences, some audacious teenagers are prone to indulge in crimes, thus increasing crime rates in our country.

At times, there are unhealthy programming on television such as gangsterism, sexuality, violence that are not suitable for teenagers. These bad activities may affect youngsters in their behaviors as they tend to mimic. As a consequence, some may act out in real life, committing crimes or other unlawful activities, now or when they grow up, thus contributing to the increase in crime rates in our country.

joetmh said:
One other point is, some products advertised on television may be misleading, thus causing consumers to buy things that are not even worth the price.

Finall, television has another drawback: those misleading commercial advertisements. Consumers may inadvertently buy advertised products they neither need nor worth the price, or pay for a piece of junk that looks so great on a shopping channel.

joetmh said:
All in all, bla bla bla.. ( i cant think of an ending... :) )

So... anyone has a better suggestion in changing any sentences in here and welcomed

Are you throwing away television because it is bad for your children? Or are you putting one in every room so you children can watch CNN to keep up with what’s going on in the world? Certainly television has it pros and cons, but isn’t that true with many other inventions of our civilization? In my opinion, it is not television itself but we who must make that important choice - between its pros or its cons.

BMO
 

RonBee

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Your rewrite is an improvement indeed. :)

Allow me to make a few comments on your comments. :)

Although it can be seen that television benefits everyone immensely, its flaws are apparent. For example, it has been shown that long hours of watching television continuously and/or not sitting at an adequent distance from it can cause permanent eye damages. In addition, one may get addicted to television programming such as dramas much like a drug abuser or alcoholic to cocaine and liquor. I should also point out that people have the habit of serving junk food while you are watching television, and eating those junk food can lead to obesity.

Try:
  • Although it can be seen that television benefits everyone immensely, its flaws are apparent. For example, it has been shown that long hours of watching television continuously or sitting too close while watching television can cause permanent eye damage. In addition, one may get addicted to television programming such as dramas much like a drug abuser or alcoholic to cocaine and liquor. I should also point out that people have the habit of eating junk food while watching television, and that can lead to obesity.

Furthermore, some children tend to be obsessed with certain television programming they can’t concentrate on their homework. They waste valuable time and often must stay late, burning the midnight oil to complete the homework assignment. And in the following day, they are tired; they can’t concentrate in the classroom. This seems like a vicious circle in the making.
Try:
  • Furthermore, some children tend to be so obsessed with certain television programs that they can’t concentrate on their homework. Because they spend so much time watching television they wind up staying up late, burning the midnight oil so they can complete their homework assignments. On the following day they are tired and can't concentrate in the classroom. It can become a vicious circle.

At times, there are unhealthy programming on television such as gangsterism, sexuality, violence that are not suitable for teenagers. These bad activities may affect youngsters in their behaviors as they tend to mimic. As a consequence, some may act out in real life, committing crimes or other unlawful activities, now or when they grow up, thus contributing to the increase in crime rates in our country.
Try:
  • At times there are programs with violence or sex, and young people may not be mature enough to know how to cope with such things. They may mimic something they saw on televison and get in trouble. They may even commit crimes as a result of something they saw on television.

Finall, television has another drawback: those misleading commercial advertisements. Consumers may inadvertently buy advertised products they neither need nor worth the price, or pay for a piece of junk that looks so great on a shopping channel.
Try:
  • Finally, television has another drawback: those seductive commercials. A commercial may convince a person to buy a particular item even though he neither needs nor can afford it.

Are you throwing away television because it is bad for your children? Or are you putting one in every room so you children can watch CNN to keep up with what’s going on in the world? Certainly television has it pros and cons, but isn’t that true with many other inventions of our civilization? In my opinion, it is not television itself but we who must make that important choice - between its pros or its cons.
Try:
  • Are you throwing away your television because it is bad for your children? Or are you putting one in every room so you children can watch CNN to keep up with what’s going on in the world? Certainly television has its pros and cons, but that is true with anything. In my opinion, it is not television itself but we who must make that important choice -- to control our own habits.

What do you think?

:)
 
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