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SunnyLiu

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Dear Sir,
Can you have an overall revise for me? I have written an article for IELTS test. Can you give me a hand?
:mad: Yours,
Sunny

Topic:There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the traditional music that is heard everywhere nowadays?


As the birth of human, music plays an important role in people’s daily life. In fact, there are various kinds of music in the world today, such as traditional music and international music. Some people maintain that international music is more important than the traditional music. Personally, I don’t think their view makes any sense.

Actually, being traditional is quite from being out of date or obsolete. Traditional is what we inherit from our forefathers, and its being handed down from generation to generation, proves its capacity to survive. It is only those things that have weathered arduous trials time after time that can be called tradition; otherwise, they are something obsolete.

For another, all these traditional music have stood the test of time; therefore they are the prime of one nation’s culture and history. On the contrary, their existence tends to propel and even accelerate the development of international music. If we compare the development of the music to the construction of modern building, the traditional music can be likened to the foundation. Without a solid foundation, the building is destined to collapse.

In addition, the development of international music originates in traditional music. Thus, development itself requires its assistance.

In a word, traditional music is a necessary ingredient for the development of music. From what has been discussed above, we may safely arrive at the conclusion that traditional music is mire important than international music. :mad: :mad:
 

Tdol

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As the birth of human, music plays an important role in people’s daily life. In fact,

From birth....

I'm not sure about traditional and international as terms
 

Tdol

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being traditional is quite from being out of date or obsolete

is far from being out of date...
 

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SunnyLiu said:
Dear Sir,
Can you have an overall revise for me? I have written an article for IELTS test. Can you give me a hand?
Say:
  • Can you do an overall revision for me?
SunnyLiu said:
Topic:There are many different types of music in the world today. Why do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the traditional music that is heard everywhere nowadays?
I don't quite understand the last sentence there.

SunnyLiu said:
As the birth of human, music plays an important role in people’s daily life. In fact, there are various kinds of music in the world today, such as traditional music and international music. Some people maintain that international music is more important than the traditional music. Personally, I don’t think their view makes any sense.
For the first sentence, try:
  • Music is a part of our lives from birth (or even before), and it plays an important role in our daily lives.
For the second sentence, perhaps:
  • Of the varieties of music in the world today, the most important are tradtional music and what is called international music.
For the third sentence, say:
  • Some people maintain that international music is more important than traditional music.
For the fourth sentence, try:
  • However, I hold the opposite view.

What do you think?

:)
 

RonBee

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SunnyLiu said:
Actually, being traditional is quite from being out of date or obsolete. Traditional is what we inherit from our forefathers, and its being handed down from generation to generation, proves its capacity to survive. It is only those things that have weathered arduous trials time after time that can be called tradition; otherwise, they are something obsolete.
Try:
  • Traditional music is far from being out of date or obsolete. Traditional music has been handed down from generation to generation. That which is traditional has stood the test of time.
Or:
  • Traditional music is not even close to being out of date or obsolete. Traditional music has been handed down from generation to generation. That which is traditional has stood the test of time.

What do you think?

:)
 

Tdol

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music is mire important than international music

Music is more than just pop

???;-)
 

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SunnyLiu said:
For another, all these traditional music have stood the test of time; therefore they are the prime of one nation’s culture and history. On the contrary, their existence tends to propel and even accelerate the development of international music. If we compare the development of the music to the construction of modern building, the traditional music can be likened to the foundation. Without a solid foundation, the building is destined to collapse.
For the first sentence, perhaps:
  • Its traditional music is a part of a nation's culture and history.
You can't use On the contrary unless you are contradicting something that came before. That does not apply here.

For the rest:
  • we compare the development of music to the construction of a building, traditional music can be likened to the foundation. Without a solid foundation, the building is destined to collapse.

:)
 

RonBee

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SunnyLiu said:
In addition, the development of international music originates in traditional music. Thus, development itself requires its assistance.
Try:
  • In addition, the development of international music originates with traditional music.
I'm afraid I don't understand the second sentence. :(

SunnyLiu said:
In a word, traditional music is a necessary ingredient for the development of music. From what has been discussed above, we may safely arrive at the conclusion that traditional music is mire important than international music.
Perhaps you meant to say that pop music ("international music") developed from traditional music. (Please correct me if I am wrong.) I don't know if I would say that one form is more important than the other. Perhaps "more meaningful" is closer to what you are looking for? What do you think?

:)
 
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