I need help with my new poem

[Bassim]

Please, would you help me and proofread my poem and tell me where I made mistakes


My neighbour from the third floor is dying

I haven't seen him walking with his stick for weeks

Home Care Services' cars are often here

Young men and women taking care of the dying man

When he dies they will take care of another dying person

Harbingers of the soulless society


The dying man had a wife who had already died of sudden death

At that day the only person who really felt sorrow for her

was the dying man

She didn't spend one single day in old people's home

A good investment one can say


Through the window of my room

I see another dying couple

I believed they would not stand so long

Their fragile bodies tremble whenever I see them

They move like in slow motion

If they fell they would never rise again

Now and then the yellow ambulance takes them away

But they always return just when I think it is all over

They would never walk again


Who knows what gives them zeal to continue

Probably they want to compete with the dying man

or simply annoy their family who want the flat


Maybe their say

We paid such high taxes

We deserve a prolonged death



I have been dying much longer before them

Since the day I made my first step

I am very experienced when it is about expiring, fading away

Still it makes me proud to see my brothers and sisters struggling

Moving their limbs with the power of will

Fighting until their last breath.

 

[susiedqq]

My neighbour on the third floor is dying

I haven't seen him walking with his stick for weeks

Home Care Services' cars are often here

Young men and women taking care of the dying

When he dies, they will take care of another

Harbingers of the soulless society


The man had a wife who died a sudden death

The only person who really felt sorrow for her

was the dying man

She never spent a day in the old people's home

A good investment one can say


Through the window of my room

I see another dying couple

I believe they would not stand so long

Their fragile bodies tremble whenever I see them

They move like slow motion

If they fell they would never rise again

Now and then the yellow ambulance takes them away

But they always return, just when I think it is over

They would never walk again


Who knows what gives them zeal to continue?

Maybe they want to compete with the dying man

or simply annoy their family who want the flat


Maybe they think

We paid such high taxes

We deserve a prolonged death



I have been dying much longer before them

Since the day I made my first step

I am very experienced about expiring, fading away

Still, I am proud of my brothers and sisters, struggling

Moving their limbs with the power of will

Fighting until their last breath.

____________________________________-

Keep writing! Your poems are thought provoking and full of emotion - and very real.

 

[Bassim]

Susiedgg

Thank you very much for your words of encouragement and your proofreading of my texts. It means so much to me! You and the other teachers here are doing a great job!

 

[RonBee]

I would say:

They move in slow motion.
​

It's another way of saying they move very slowly.