I need your help in editing as soon as possible

Status
Not open for further replies.

chibi

Junior Member
Joined
Dec 12, 2007
Member Type
Student or Learner
[FONT=.VnTime]Please edit these following sentence from lyric of a song which my friend has just written as soon as possible ( Grammar, word-choice, and so on) . Thanks in advance[/FONT]


[FONT=.VnTime]When I wake up in the morning,[/FONT]
[FONT=.VnTime]You're the first thing on my mind'[/FONT]
[FONT=.VnTime]Then I'm online to look for your messenger[/FONT]
[FONT=.VnTime]Then I realize, I'm just a man[/FONT]
[FONT=.VnTime]With no money and no handsomeness[/FONT]
[FONT=.VnTime]So, My darling, I'll have to wait for you...[/FONT]
[FONT=.VnTime]You help me when I'm lost[/FONT]
[FONT=.VnTime]You make me feel so strong...[/FONT]
[FONT=.VnTime]you 're my life, my darling[/FONT]
[FONT=.VnTime]I'm lonely without you my darling...[/FONT]
 

Clare James

Member
Joined
Nov 26, 2007
Member Type
Academic
Mostly this is fine for song lyrics. 'Handsomeness' sounds a bit ugly, though, and it doesn't scan either. How about 'with no money and no looks' instead? Or if you need a longer phrase for the music, then 'and average looks'.
 

chibi

Junior Member
Joined
Dec 12, 2007
Member Type
Student or Learner
Clare, Thank you very much!
and what about the others? Are they ok? And the title of this song is "thinking" . what do you think about this name? is is okie?
 

Clare James

Member
Joined
Nov 26, 2007
Member Type
Academic
There's just one other thing I noticed:
the phrase in the third line 'Then I'm online to look for your messenger' need 'When' instead of 'Then'. This line doesn't sound 100% natural - maybe something like 'When I'm online checking for your messages' - but then the rhythm has to change, and perhaps you prefer the sound of the other phrase.

Song lyrics don't have to be 100% natural sounding, though. Lots of bands use language in a surprising way.

The rest of it is fine, and the title sounds good too.

Clare
ELTgames.com
 

RonBee

Moderator
Joined
Feb 9, 2003
Member Type
Other
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
Try:
When I'm online and looking for your messages
Also:
With no money and not so good looking
:)
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top