I need your help in editing as soon as possible

[chibi]

[FONT=.VnTime]Please edit these following sentence from lyric of a song which my friend has just written as soon as possible ( Grammar, word-choice, and so on) . Thanks in advance[/FONT]


[FONT=.VnTime]When I wake up in the morning,[/FONT]
[FONT=.VnTime]You're the first thing on my mind'[/FONT]
[FONT=.VnTime]Then I'm online to look for your messenger[/FONT]
[FONT=.VnTime]Then I realize, I'm just a man[/FONT]
[FONT=.VnTime]With no money and no handsomeness[/FONT]
[FONT=.VnTime]So, My darling, I'll have to wait for you...[/FONT]
[FONT=.VnTime]You help me when I'm lost[/FONT]
[FONT=.VnTime]You make me feel so strong...[/FONT]
[FONT=.VnTime]you 're my life, my darling[/FONT]
[FONT=.VnTime]I'm lonely without you my darling...[/FONT]

 

[Clare James]

Mostly this is fine for song lyrics. 'Handsomeness' sounds a bit ugly, though, and it doesn't scan either. How about 'with no money and no looks' instead? Or if you need a longer phrase for the music, then 'and average looks'.

 

[chibi]

Clare, Thank you very much!
and what about the others? Are they ok? And the title of this song is "thinking" . what do you think about this name? is is okie?

 

[Clare James]

There's just one other thing I noticed:
the phrase in the third line 'Then I'm online to look for your messenger' need 'When' instead of 'Then'. This line doesn't sound 100% natural - maybe something like 'When I'm online checking for your messages' - but then the rhythm has to change, and perhaps you prefer the sound of the other phrase.

Song lyrics don't have to be 100% natural sounding, though. Lots of bands use language in a surprising way.

The rest of it is fine, and the title sounds good too.

Clare
ELTgames.com

 

[RonBee]

Try:

When I'm online and looking for your messages
​

Also:

With no money and not so good looking
​