I Said Madeleine

[Dr. Jamshid Ibrahim]

I Said Madeleine
I said: Madeleine hug me, kiss me, drown me. She said my boyfriend will kill me. I said: Madeleine what holds you captive? It is furtive. She said with tears in her eyes: I can’t I am my own prisoner, don’t come near. It is a sore, if I open the door, you ask for more. I said Madeleine: Don’t shed tears dear.. She said: it is my fear: I feel guilty. I felt guilty. I live in sin. Is passion a sin? Her eyes contradict her mouth, my eyes agree with my mouth. Life in sin and guilt I need the gilt.

She said: love and life in you will soon be torn in two. I said Madeleine: I have come to live in two I will go to die, not you. She said: If I were your love, would you leave your love. I said Madeleine: True, I don’t live you but I love you. She said: your mouth contradicts you mind typical of men of your kind. I said Madeleien, don't hate all men.

Jamshid
Bremen, 23 January 2008

 

[susiedqq]

I like this poem! Please accept this editing:

I Said, Madeleine
I said, Madeleine,
Hug me, kiss me, drown me
She said,
My boyfriend will kill me.
I said, Madeleine,
What holds you captive?
It is furtive.
She tearfully said,
I can’t; I am my own prisoner
Don’t come near
I open the door,
You ask for more.
I said, Madeleine,
Don’t shed tears, dear
She said,
It is my fear, I feel guilty
I live in sin.
Is passion a sin?
Her eyes contradict her mouth,
My eyes agree with my mouth.
Life in sin and guilt
I need the guilt.

She said,
Love, life in you will soon be torn in two.
I said, Madeleine,
I have come to live in two
I will go to die, not you.
She said,
If I were your love, would you leave me?
I said, Madeleine,
True, I don’t live with you,
But I love you.
She said,
Your mouth contradicts your mind.
So typical of men your kind.
I said, Madeleine,
Don't hate all men.

 

[Devil's tear]

Perfect!!
I love it. And of course it's impossible to hate all men.
They are in our hearts and their beating. And yes love usually has mad us so sinned.​

 

[Dr. Jamshid Ibrahim]

Thanks Susiedqq for your nice feedback and editing. However:
1. the second word should read gilt not guilt.
2. If I were your love (the second love) would you leave your love (the first love)
May I ask what interests you here? This text was meant to be a dialogue.

 

[susiedqq]

To put it into a poetry format was a suggestion. Of course, you can accept or reject any suggestion that another person gives to you :lol:

The words - to me - had a cadence to them, and seem to want to go into this poetic form. I just felt them that way. Poetry evokes emotion, and that's how I felt.

Now I see you have written Madeleine 2. I still feel that the words want to go into stanzas. Just my humble opinion. (IMHO)

In any case, I enjoyed reading the words!

 

[Dr. Jamshid Ibrahim]

Thanks susiedqq. Please feel free to make suggestions and comments. you are welcome

 

[Lynxear]

I also like the theme of the poem, but I find the "I said...she said" format a bit distracting. I have been trying to think of a better way of doing it and like Susiedqq I think you should write in verses rather than a single paragraph or two.

This is my attempt at rephrasing your poem. Instead of the "I said...she said" repetition I have used terms of endearment (darling, dear, sweetheart....etc) on the lines that refer to the man. I think this sets them off from the lines that belong to Madeline making the piece a little more readable...I think so anyway.


I said: Madeleine

Hug me, kiss me, drown me, darling.
My boyfriend will kill me.
But love, what holds you captive?
It is so furtive.

I can’t I am my own prisoner,
don’t come near. It is a sore,
if I open the door,
you ask for more.

Don’t shed tears dear.
But it is my fear;
I feel guilty;I felt guilty.
I live in sin. Is passion a sin?

Her eyes contradict her mouth,
my eyes agree with my mouth.
Life in sin and guilt
I need the gilt.

Love and life in you
will soon be torn in two.
Beloved, I have come to live in two
I will go to die not you.

If I were your love,
would you leave your love.
True my dearest, I don’t live you
but I love you.

Your mouth contradicts your mind
typical of men of your kind.
Sweetheart, don't hate men.

 

[Dr. Jamshid Ibrahim]

Thanks Lynxear. It is of course a nice idea to change it in the way you or susiedqq did (I really like it) or mybe the "I said" is distracting. My idea was to repeat I said Medeleine many times intentionally to highlight it or put it in the centre. This is supposed to show the central role she plays. Maybe you have noticed the verb said comes between I and Madeleine just like something (as for example a hindrance) which comes between her and me. This is important. In said there is aid. In addition as I said earlier it was meant to be a dialogue (in prose). Said is a verb which introduces direct or reported speech.I am reporting a story. It is a story of direct and in direct love like direct and indirect speech. Grammar and prose (or poetry) merge.

 

[Lynxear]

Thanks Lynxear. It is of course a nice idea to change it in the way you or susiedqq did (I really like it) or mybe the "I said" is distracting. My idea was to repeat I said Medeleine many times intentionally to highlight it or put it in the centre. This is supposed to show the central role she plays. Maybe you have noticed the verb said comes between I and Madeleine just like something (as for example a hindrance) which comes between her and me. This is important. In said there is aid. In addition as I said earlier it was meant to be a dialogue (in prose). Said is a verb which introduces direct or reported speech.I am reporting a story. It is a story of direct and in direct love like direct and indirect speech. Grammar and prose (or poetry) merge.

Well, given your explanation I suppose I understand what you are trying to do but I don't think you are presenting it very well.

First of all, "said" is such a bland word. You have a written something that has a lot of emotion but nothing is enhanced through the use of the word "said".

Also, writing a conversation as a single block as you have is visually unappealing...especially when combined with the "I said...she said".

This seems to be your style of writing. I think you should experiment with other styles of writing. You have a good use of language but in my opinion you are not expressing it well on paper.

 

[Dr. Jamshid Ibrahim]

I am a painter of special interest. My texts are art you either enjoy and understand or you leave them. You need more insight into human nature than visible (as you want it) on the surface structure. You need to go deep and find out on your own (without help). You have been trying hard to give advice to sell your ideas to many. To me, literature is not a presentation for selling and making an impression. It is psychology, philosophy and art in one. This is the difference.

 

[CHOMAT]

Very nice opus , Dr Jamshid.
Do you know Marcel Proust ? Is your poem related to his work ? I know you are smart and learned enough to make such references.
Anyway, Madeleine has a particular taste on my lips. It is sweet and crunchy.
It could be turned into a song thanks to the melodic quality of your text .

 

[Lynxear]

You have been trying hard to give advice to sell your ideas to many. To me, literature is not a presentation for selling and making an impression. It is psychology, philosophy and art in one. This is the difference.

No problem...If you are happy with the way you write that is all that matters...I do feel you are short-changing yourself as far as making your thoughts reach others. Don't deny that you want to have others read your work...otherwise you would not be exposing your thoughts in this forum;-)

I won't comment on your writing any more since you are not looking for advice.

 

[Dr. Jamshid Ibrahim]

Very nice opus , Dr Jamshid.
Do you know Marcel Proust ? Is your poem related to his work ? I know you are smart and learned enough to make such references.
Anyway, Madeleine has a particular taste on my lips. It is sweet and crunchy.
It could be turned into a song thanks to the melodic quality of your text .

Alain: Not only Marcel Proust but French literature in general is of interest to me. The episode od Madeleien in the Search of Lost Time is an example of involuntary memory (compared with voluntary memory). I personally believe there is (a third one) an enigmatic memory in which imagination and reality merge. Merging is an important issue in my ideas and text form I choose. However, this text is not based on memory alone. It is part of my present mixed with enigmatic memory. That's why and as you rightly noticed it is a song as well.

 

[CHOMAT]

I presume there is place in which the three forms( memory, imagination and present )bleed into one -the writing act constitutes, in my opinion, the region where those three elements meet. Writing is a cross-roads where the subject encounters her/his past, his personal history , where the subject kidnaps the words of a community and makes them his or hers for a little while. Every reader (re)creates her/his history, associates the printed words with impressions , old scents. Every piece of literature is a madeleine, yours has given me that kind of rare taste. Every piece of literature is a spike provided that our eyes( heart and fancy) are taught to see it -just like the looming church Proust used to behold in his childhood.

 

[Dr. Jamshid Ibrahim]

I can't agree more Alain. Chronologically, psychologically and genetically speaking there are different layers which merge or flow into one (bleed into one at croass-roads) conjuction, roundabout or intersection. The moment you say "me" you know there were at least two people at work (mother and father) who in turn and each branched into two. This is an identity issue as well. You are right in everything there is a (beautiful and creative) Madeleiene. A creative copy of a creative copy of an orginal copy resulting in a mélange.

 

[bianca]

I can't pinpoint why, but to me this dialogue in retrospection rendered by "I said..he said" really captures me. The repetition sounds melodramatic somehow, like in a song. I believe that, had you simply written a common narrative and followed the formula for writing it, I wouldn't have been as impressed. Sometimes, transgressions are the only way to make a certain point and touch the right string.

 

[Dr. Jamshid Ibrahim]

Thanks Bianca. This is what I believe the repetition of I said Madeleine bestows a special flavour to the text. Without it the text loses its charm. In retrospect the text imposes itself on my mind too. It is a dialogue of two modes:
1. A dialogue with Madeleine (in her presence - reality)
2. A dialogue in my mind (in her absence - imagination)

Welcome back. I missed you.