In the morning light

[sara88]

Hi dear friends,
This is my first poem, I need all of your comments, you are all welcome to criticise...and feel free to give suggetion as well..
First of all I must thank my dear friend Lynxear who really helped me a lot to understand so many things, so thanks so much again Lynxear.

In the morning light

Sun light shining in the early morning mysteriously
Calling people to leave darkeness, to begin
A new life full of energy, love and modesty
Seeking knowledge, working hard, facing difficulties
Life has been hard, like a long night passing slowly
Darkness from violence, crimes and enequality
people fighting each other so badly
let's leave darkness, let's love each other
Let's live in the light of peace so deeply
Peace is like the sun light shinning in the early morning.


I'm waiting dear friends

 

[susiedqq]

I like fewer words in poetry. Here's a suggestion::lol:


Morning light

Like sun light shining
Early morning mystery
People called
To leave darkeness
To begin new lives
Energy, love and modesty
Seek knowledge, work hard.

Difficult lives
Like long night passing
Violence, crime, inequality.
Leave the darkness,
Love each other
Live the peace light, deeply
Like sun light shining.

 

[Lynxear]

Hi dear friends,
This is my first poem, I need all of your comments, you are all welcome to criticise...and feel free to give suggetion as well..
First of all I must thank my dear friend Lynxear who really helped me a lot to understand so many things, so thanks so much again Lynxear.

In the morning light

Sunlight shining in the early morning mysteriously
Calling people to leave darkness, to begin
A new life full of energy, love and modesty
Seeking knowledge, working hard, facing difficulties
Life has been hard, like a long night passing slowly
Darkness from violence, crimes and inequality
people fighting each other so badly
let's leave darkness, let's love each other
Let's live in the light of peace so deeply
Peace is like the sun light shinning in the early morning.


I'm waiting dear friends

Very nice write for your first poem:up: I highlighted some spelling mistakes which are minor.

This is a great line...I really liked this simile.

Life has been hard, like a long night passing slowly

There is only one part that I think you need to take a look at.

Sunlight shining in the early morning mysteriously
Calling people to leave darkness, to begin

It is a bit confusing. "Mysteriously" could modify "shining" or it could refer to "calling" in the next line.

Depending on which way it is read the meaning of the two lines change a little bit. If you placed a comma after "mysteriously" it would force the word to modify "shining"...if that is what you wish or you could could try to re-write the first line to remove the confusion (I have an idea but I want you to try rewriting it first...ok?) or you could leave the confusion alone so the reader can make up their mind as to how to interpret the two lines.

Very well done Sara

 

[RonBee]

Morning light

Like sun light shining
Early morning mystery
People called
To leave darkeness
To begin new lives
Energy, love and modesty
Seek knowledge, work hard.

Difficult lives
Like long night passing
Violence, crime, inequality.
Leave the darkness,
Love each other
Live the peace light, deeply
Like sun light shining.

Economy is good!
:up:

 

[sara88]

Hi All, thanks fopr the comments..
Thanks Susie for the idea of making a minimum number of words, I'll keep it in mind for my next poem..
Thanks Lynxear for your good tips, to be honest when I was writing it I used "mysteriously" to modify "shining" and I didn't think about the second option..
Now here it is:

Sunlight shining in the early morning mysteriously,
Calling people to leave darkness, to begin
A new life full of energy, love and modesty
Seeking knowledge, working hard, facing difficulties
Life has been hard, like a long night passing slowly
Darkness from violence, crimes and inequality
people fighting each other so badly
let's leave darkness, let's love each other
Let's live in the light of peace so deeply
Peace is like the sun light shinning in the early morning.

The title "In the morning light" is from one of my favorite musics, it's the music of Yanni:
YouTube - In the morning light
Very nice one, amazing.

 

[Devil's tear]

I like fewer words in poetry. Here's a suggestion::lol:


Morning light

Like sun light shining
Early morning mystery
People called
To leave darkeness
To begin new lives
Energy, love and modesty
Seek knowledge, work hard.

Difficult lives
Like long night passing
Violence, crime, inequality.
Leave the darkness,
Love each other
Live the peace light, deeply
Like sun light shining.

I'm usually pessimistic. But I really love your poem especially after I listened your music though I'm not much with writing a poem. You should listen to Omer Faruk his music has been my favourite.
YouTube - Omer Faruk Tekbilek - One Truth I Love You
;-)

 

[penelope87]

Hi Sara!
You made a very very nice poem! I loved your message.
Sometimes we got so pessimistic and so sad or angry because of the injustices we see everyday... To read poems like yours help us to believe that we can change it. Help us to trust in the humanity and in better days. But it also remember us that we are the only that can do it. ;-)

Keep writting and don't let to be a dreamer!

 

[sara88]

Hi Sara!
You made a very very nice poem! I loved your message.
Sometimes we got so pessimistic and so sad or angry because of the injustices we see everyday... To read poems like yours help us to believe that we can change it. Help us to trust in the humanity and in better days. But it also remember us that we are the only that can do it. ;-)

Keep writting and don't let to be a dreamer!

Oh that's so nice from you, thanks so much Devil's tear and Pene for your comments..yes I hope that our words turn to works and not just words..