Kinldy check my small para

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new2grammar

Senior Member
Joined
May 5, 2008
Member Type
Student or Learner
Native Language
Punjabi
Home Country
India
Current Location
India
Life is your canvas, no one can paint it but you & how you paint it, is the art. ‘ART’ is not inherited but it is a science, which has to be mastered over a period of time; it is the accumulation of expertise and experience. We at celebrity management, an exclusive National Celebrity Management Agency, dedicated to providing talent to our Clients throughout the India (and abroad) firmly believe in it. We Paint our passion with all colours of success.
 

DavidA

Member
Joined
Mar 15, 2010
Member Type
Other
Native Language
English
Home Country
UK
Current Location
UK
A few points:

1) Personally, I would use a colon after the word "canvas" for more emphasis.

2) I would replace the "&" symbol with a comma.

3) I would place an "and" after this comma, and remove the comma from after the word "it".

4) I would remove the word "it" from the sentence "Art is not inherited but is a science..." Also, remove the speech marks and capitals from the word "ART".

5) You may want to remove the comma before the word "which (has to be mastered..."

6) Remove "we" before "at celebrity management..." and capitalize "At" as the start of the sentence.

7) I'm not sure if "celebrity management" is the name of a company or organization. If so, you want to use capitals, such as Celebrity Management.

8) If "National Celebrity Management Agency" is not a name of an organization, then you want to remove the capitals from these words.

9) At "we are" before "dedicated to..."

10) Don't capitalize the "c" in "clients".

11) Remove "the" before "India".

12) Add a comma after "India", and replace, and remove the brackets on "and abroad".

13) Remove "firmly believe in it".

14) Don't capitalize "p" in "paint".

Here is what I would use:

Life is your canvas: no one can paint it but you, and how you paint it is the art. Art is not inherited but is a science which has to be mastered over a period of time; it is the accumulation of expertise and experience. At Celebrity Management, an exclusive national celebrity management agency, we are dedicated to providing talent to our clients throughout India, and abroad. We paint our passion with all colours of success.

Note: I am not an English teacher.
 

sarat_106

Key Member
Joined
Mar 19, 2008
Member Type
English Teacher
Native Language
Oriya
Home Country
India
Current Location
India
Life is your canvas, no one can paint it but you, & how you paint it, is the art. ‘ART’ is not inherited but it is a science, which has to be mastered over a period of time. In other words, it is the accumulation of expertise and experience. We, at Celebrity management, an exclusive National Celebrity Management Agency, having dedicated to providing talent to our Clients throughout the India (and abroad), firmly believe in it. We Paint our passion with all colours of success.

Skp
 

new2grammar

Senior Member
Joined
May 5, 2008
Member Type
Student or Learner
Native Language
Punjabi
Home Country
India
Current Location
India
A few points:

1) Personally, I would use a colon after the word "canvas" for more emphasis.

2) I would replace the "&" symbol with a comma.

3) I would place an "and" after this comma, and remove the comma from after the word "it".

4) I would remove the word "it" from the sentence "Art is not inherited but is a science..." Also, remove the speech marks and capitals from the word "ART".

5) You may want to remove the comma before the word "which (has to be mastered..."

6) Remove "we" before "at celebrity management..." and capitalize "At" as the start of the sentence.

7) I'm not sure if "celebrity management" is the name of a company or organization. If so, you want to use capitals, such as Celebrity Management.

8) If "National Celebrity Management Agency" is not a name of an organization, then you want to remove the capitals from these words.

9) At "we are" before "dedicated to..."

10) Don't capitalize the "c" in "clients".

11) Remove "the" before "India".

12) Add a comma after "India", and replace, and remove the brackets on "and abroad".

13) Remove "firmly believe in it".

14) Don't capitalize "p" in "paint".

Here is what I would use:

Life is your canvas: no one can paint it but you, and how you paint it is the art. Art is not inherited but is a science which has to be mastered over a period of time; it is the accumulation of expertise and experience. At Celebrity Management, an exclusive national celebrity management agency, we are dedicated to providing talent to our clients throughout India, and abroad. We paint our passion with all colours of success.

Note: I am not an English teacher.

I really appreciate your kind time to write down all your views and explanation in such a detail.

Thanks
 
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