Letter that has to be checked by a native american

[Philip]

It has to 'sound' perfect for a person whose mother tongue is american.

Here it goes:

Dear Sir or Madam,

My name is Philip Metzler and I'm 18.
I'm sending You this e-mail with a view to obtaining information regarding my chances to whether I'm eligible to be admitted at ___________.

When I was 12 I moved from Sweden, which is my "home" country (I am a Swedish citizen), to France where my parents has established a bed'n breakfast activity. I successfully completed the French baccalaureate and I've now integrated a "classe préparatoire" in a boarding school in Aix en Provence.
Despite I only study Mathematics, Physics and Chemistry at a very high level (plus Philosophy and English), I hardly have time to sleep at night. Every week there are written and individual oral tests, by teachers from all over the region, in all subjects (even philosophy). In our class we're 44 students and I'm constantly among the three very best. I'm particularly good at Mathematics.

I'm fluent in Swedish, French and English (I have a broader "daily" word archive in Swedish whereas technically I'm much better in English as everything I read concerning Java or PHP programming or electrical engineering is in English).

Today my passion is computers (PHP and Java) and electronics (integrated circuits, microprocessors in particular). I started programming PHP over 4 years ago at my own initiative (before I had only made static html pages, the good old days) and will soon release (sell) an important object oriented (OOP) PHP script (actually over 40 000 lines of code) which will hopefully be a success. I've built the script using pattern and refactoring techniques. A mysql database allows for fast database access.

Finally, why do I think I would succeed at _________ (Electrical Engineering and Computer Science Course) ?

_I have very solid scientific bases and I already know a lot on the subject I want to study

_I'm used to work around 100 hours per week

_I'm extremely motivated (my own initiative; no one has ever pushed me)

_I've always worked with Americans over the net but actually never physically been to the US, that's why I'm so interested in studying in the latter.


No doubt I have forgotten plenty of things I initially wanted to mention but I think it will be sufficient for a first mail .

Thank You for your time!


Best Regards,
Philip Metzler


Thanks!

 

[RonBee]

My name is Philip Metzler and I'm 18.
I'm sending You this e-mail with a view to obtaining information regarding my chances to whether I'm eligible to be admitted at ___________.

• My name is Philip Metzler and I'm 18.
  I'm sending You this e-mail find out if I'm eligible to be admitted to ___________.

When I was 12 I moved from Sweden, which is my "home" country (I am a Swedish citizen), to France where my parents has established a bed'n breakfast activity. I successfully completed the French baccalaureate and I've now integrated a "classe préparatoire" in a boarding school in Aix en Provence.

• When I was 12 I moved from Sweden, which is my "home" country (I am a Swedish citizen), to France where my parents had established a bed'n breakfast inn. I successfully completed the French baccalaureate and I've now integrated a "classe préparatoire" in a boarding school in Aix en Provence.

I'm not sure what you mean by "integrated" there.

Despite I only study Mathematics, Physics and Chemistry at a very high level (plus Philosophy and English), I hardly have time to sleep at night. Every week there are written and individual oral tests, by teachers from all over the region, in all subjects (even philosophy). In our class we're 44 students and I'm constantly among the three very best. I'm particularly good at Mathematics.

• Even though I only study Mathematics, Physics and Chemistry at a very high level (plus Philosophy and English), I hardly have time to sleep at night. Every week there are written and individual oral tests, by teachers from all over the region, in all subjects. There are 44 students in my class and I'm consistently one of the top three in grade point average. I'm particularly good at mathematics.

Better:

• I take honors courses in mathematics, physics, chemistry, philosophy, and English. Every week there are written and oral exams given by teachers from all over the region, in all subjects. There are 44 students in my class and I'm consistently one of the top three in grade point average. I'm particularly good at mathematics.

 

[RonBee]

How about:

• I take honors courses in mathematics, physics, chemistry, philosophy, and English. Every week we take written and oral exams given to us by teachers from all over the region, in all subjects. There are 44 students in my class and I'm consistently one of the top three in grade point average. I'm particularly good at mathematics.

What do you think?

 

[Philip]

Thanks for your developed answer

You wrote :
My name is Philip Metzler and I'm 18.
I'm sending You this e-mail find out if I'm eligible to be admitted to ___________.


Shouldn't it be :

My name is Philip Metzler and I'm 18.
I'm sending You this e-mail to find out if I'm eligible to be admitted to ___________.


Was the rest of the letter ok?

 

[RonBee]

I'm fluent in Swedish, French and English (I have a broader "daily" word archive in Swedish whereas technically I'm much better in English as everything I read concerning Java or PHP programming or electrical engineering is in English).

• I'm fluent in Swedish, French and English. When it comes to everyday (conversational) vocabulary I am most proficient in Swedish, but everything I read, especially concerning Java or PHP programming or electrical engineering is in English, and I am much better in English at that.

Today my passion is computers (PHP and Java) and electronics (integrated circuits, microprocessors in particular). I started programming PHP over 4 years ago at my own initiative (before I had only made static html pages, the good old days) and will soon release (sell) an important object oriented (OOP) PHP script (actually over 40 000 lines of code) which will hopefully be a success. I've built the script using pattern and refactoring techniques. A mysql database allows for fast database access.

• Today my passion is computers (PHP and Java) and electronics (integrated circuits, microprocessors in particular). I started programming PHP over 4 years ago on my own initiative. I will soon release (sell) an important object oriented (OOP) PHP script (over 40 000 lines of code). I've built the script using pattern and refactoring techniques.

Finally, why do I think I would succeed at _________ (Electrical Engineering and Computer Science Course) ?

_I have very solid scientific bases and I already know a lot on the subject I want to study

_I'm used to work around 100 hours per week

_I'm extremely motivated (my own initiative; no one has ever pushed me)

_I've always worked with Americans over the net but actually never physically been to the US, that's why I'm so interested in studying in the latter.

• Finally, why do I think I would succeed at _________ (Electrical Engineering and Computer Science Course) ?
  
  _I have very solid scientific background and I already know a lot about the subject I want to study.
  
  _I'm used to working around 100 hours per week
  
  _I'm extremely self-motivated.
  
  _I've always worked with Americans over the Internet, but I have never been to the USA, and I would very much like to visit the United States and study there.

Well, you've sold me.

:wink:

 

[RonBee]

Thanks for your developed answer

You wrote :
My name is Philip Metzler and I'm 18.
I'm sending You this e-mail find out if I'm eligible to be admitted to ___________.


Shouldn't it be :

My name is Philip Metzler and I'm 18.
I'm sending You this e-mail to find out if I'm eligible to be admitted to ___________.

Yes! Good catch!

 

[Philip]

Thank you so much!!!

you're forever my friend

 

[RonBee]

You're quite welcome.

 

[Red5]

Thank you so much!!!

you're forever my friend

Ron helps everyone out a lot! He's a star! ;-)