Letter to college principal

laluuuusii

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I have written this letter for practice for my CAE exam. I would like some feedback on how to improve it. Other pieces of writing have a title, but this one doesn’t, right?
“There have been a number of complaints from students about the catering facilities at the college where you study. You have decided to write to the college principal outlining the problems. Your letter should give details of your personal experience of using the facilities and to what extent they meet the needs of the students. You should explain what improvements need to be made and how these can be implemented”.

Dear Sir,
I am writing on behalf of a number of students with regards to their dissatisfaction with the catering facilities provided.

Firstly, I will elucidate the reason of their disapproval. Many remark the rations are insufficient, and there is no possibility to eat more if they wish. It has also been critized the lack of a balanced diet, and that there is not a wide range of options for celiacs.

I am personally quite content with the service, contrary to my classmates, given I needn’t eat as much as some of them. However, it is fathomable they ask for a healthier diet, as that is something affecting all of us.

I am a student who, fortunately, does not have to follow a gluten-free diet, but I consider this issue of paramount importance. I understand it may be difficult to cook this special dishes and the canteen may not currently have the wherewithal to do it, but it is not a situation they have chosen. About the aforementioned complaints, I would pay attention to both, but not as much as this one, especially because the number of celiacs at this college it above average.

To finish with, I would increase the amount of food provided up to a point where it is not thrown away, either. More vegetables could be included, and there should be a wider variety of gluten-free dishes. Reading information about this may result in a way of making well-balanced food that is also free of gluten.

Yours faithfully,

Lalusi


PS: you may have noticed I am posting quite a few threads these days. It is because my exam is very soon so I am working really hard. I won’t post much after it, apart from specific questions.
 
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emsr2d2

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Re: Letter to collegue principal

For a start, the word "collegue" does not exist. You have 24 hours from the time you posted the thread to edit the title. Click on "Edit Post", then on "Go Advanced", edit the title then click "Save".
While you're in Edit, you should changed "PD" at the end to "PS".
 

emsr2d2

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I have written this letter for practice for my CAE exam. I would like some feedback on how to improve it. Other pieces of writing have a title, but this one doesn’t, right?
Your title isn't terrible but you could have used "There have been a number of complaints" (the prompt) or "I am writing on behalf of a number of students". Both of those are more likely to be unique than the current title.

“There have been a number of complaints from students about the catering facilities at the college where you study. You have decided to write to the college principal outlining the problems. Your letter should give details of your personal experience of using the facilities and to what extent they meet the needs of the students. You should explain what improvements need to be made and how these can be implemented”.

Dear Sir,
Leave an empty line here
I am writing on behalf of a number of students [STRIKE]with regards to[/STRIKE] regarding their dissatisfaction with the catering facilities. [STRIKE]provided.[/STRIKE]

[STRIKE]Firstly, I will elucidate the reason of their disapproval.[/STRIKE] Many have remarked that the [STRIKE]rations are[/STRIKE] quantity of food is insufficient. [STRIKE]and there is no possibility to eat more if they wish.[/STRIKE] [STRIKE]It[/STRIKE] The lack of balanced nutrition has also been criticized [STRIKE]the lack of a balanced diet,[/STRIKE] and [STRIKE]that[/STRIKE] there is not a wide range of options for celiacs.

I am personally quite content with the service, contrary to my classmates, [STRIKE]given[/STRIKE] because I [STRIKE]needn’t[/STRIKE] don't need to eat as much as some of them. However, it is [STRIKE]fathomable[/STRIKE] understandable that they are asking for [STRIKE]a[/STRIKE] healthier [STRIKE]diet[/STRIKE] options, as that is something [STRIKE]affecting[/STRIKE] that would benefit all of us.

I [STRIKE]am a student who, fortunately, does[/STRIKE] do not have to follow a gluten-free diet, but I consider this issue of paramount importance. I understand it may be difficult to cook [STRIKE]this[/STRIKE] [these] special dishes and the canteen may not [STRIKE]currently have the wherewithal[/STRIKE] be equipped to do it, but it is not a situation [STRIKE]they[/STRIKE] those students have chosen.

About the aforementioned complaints, I would pay attention to both, but not as much as this one, especially because the number of celiacs at this college [STRIKE]it[/STRIKE] is above average.

[STRIKE]To finish with,[/STRIKE] I would like to suggest increasing the amount of food provided, but only up to a point where [STRIKE]it is not thrown away, either[/STRIKE] none is wasted. More vegetables could be included, and there should be a wider variety of gluten-free dishes. [STRIKE]Reading information about this may result in[/STRIKE] I am sure that there is a way of making well-balanced [STRIKE]food[/STRIKE] dishes/meals that [STRIKE]is[/STRIKE] are also free of gluten.

Yours faithfully,

Lalusi


PS: You may have noticed I am posting quite a few threads these days. It is because my exam is very soon so I am working really hard. I won’t post much after it, apart from specific questions.

Please note my comments and corrections above. I don't know what the underlined part means. What are you referring to by "both" and by "this one"?
 

tedmc

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I think laluuuusii is back to his/her wordy writing style after the thread on CAE Review.

I wouldn't call a fixed cafeteria facility a catering facillity. Catering is providing food at an event.

What about "balanced/more wholesome menu" and "portion of food"?
 
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laluuuusii

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I think laluuuusii is back to his/her wordy writing style after the thread on CAE Review.

I wouldn't call a fixed cafeteria facility a catering facillity. Catering is providing food at an event.

What about "balanced/more wholesome menu" and "portion of food"?
Well, I literally copied what was written in the book. It talks about “catering”. Besides this, I am confused. I have always been told to use connectors like “to finish with” and that sort of thing. They are empty words so you don’t think I should be using them, right?
 

laluuuusii

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Please note my comments and corrections above. I don't know what the underlined part means. What are you referring to by "both" and by "this one"?
“Both” complaints are the one referring to the quantity of food and the one asking fore more balanced options. “This one” is the one regarding gluten-free meals.
 

5jj

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Tarheel

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Well, I literally copied what was written in the book. It talks about “catering”.

Since it says that in the prompt, OK.

Besides this, I am confused. I have always been told to use connectors like “to finish with” and that sort of thing. They are empty words so you don’t think I should be using them, right?

I think you should use as few as possible, yes.

Don't confuse me and Ted.
;-)
 

tedmc

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laluuuusii

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The key word is "events". I wouldn't consider providing food services at a school an event.

The dictionaries also define it the same way.
This writing exercise is from a Cambridge book, so they consider it is possible. It may not be normally used, though.
 

5jj

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The key word is "events". I wouldn't consider providing food services at a school an event.
Try these:

“catering facility” means premises used for cafes, espresso bars, kiosks,milk bars, restaurants, snack bars, soft drink shops, tea gardens or tearooms.“child care centre”
https://www.legislation.qld.gov.au/view/pdf/2000-03-23/act-1985-079

Bromley College:Orpington Catering Facility
Two new extensions were undertaken on the ground floor to create a new glazed entrance lobbyand a restaurant, open to both the public and students.

Catering Facilities
 

emsr2d2

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Besides this, I am confused. I have always been told to use connectors like “to finish with” and that sort of thing. They are empty words so you don’t think I should be using them, right?

Things like "In conclusion" are suitable for essays. In my opinion, they have no place in letters.

In order to avoid being too wordy, I suggest you start with the shortest possible version, perhaps in bullet points and then expand a little bit in order to make complete sentences. For example, your original notes for this letter could have looked like this:
- Not enough food
- Not enough gluten-free options (more coeliacs here than the average college)
- Food is not nutritionally balanced
- Accept that it's difficult in the college kitchen
- Suggest trying to make meals more balanced and have more gluten-free options.

Expand on those little by little until you have sentences that are grammatically correct and carry the meaning you want to convey, but don't have anything really unnecessary.
 

Tarheel

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This writing exercise is from a Cambridge book, so they consider it is possible. It may not be normally used, though.

Not, I think, in American English.
 
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