letter writing

[Anonymous]

Dear all,
I deadly need your help, please help me! Could you please correct my mistakes and if necessary, feel free to write in your words and to shorten.
I am assigned to write an informal letter to my friend( as homework ). But It's very important for me that I get not a good mark but a damn good mark for my letter so that I can cover my bad marks and go further.
It's about John I have to tell my friend. Here goes:

Dear Lisa,
How are you doing? I hope you and your family are fine. I can't complain, too.(I can't think of something better)

I'm writing to you because I've got something to tell you, which you sure want to know. I've got a new boyfriend, John, who is new in class. You know- he is not only a good looking boy but a boy who can distinguish the bad and good. He told me what he had done three months ago. It moved me so deeply that I can't help telling you about it.

The story begins with his moving to secondary school. As John was new in the class, he needed to make friends with the old pupils. But he failed to even find one. Lonely, he spent most of the break sitting in the toilets and playing on his cell phone. On one break some boys from his above came in and invited him to go out with them. Of course he is so happy that he joined them at once. After school on that day they all went to the park. Paul, the leader of the group, offered John a cigarette and he took a few puffs just because he didn't want to be told not being cool. When having run out of cigarettes, they told John to get some for them. At first he didn't get what they expected from him. But then they explained that he had to take some money from his mum's purse to buy them. That night he took 10$ from his mum's purse. That was just the start. Soon he started playing truant, stealing from his family, shoplifting, bullying anyone who got in his way. One day he realised that he couldn't go on doing this- he was hurting too many. The next day he made up his mind to tell them that he could no longer hang aroung with them. It was one of the hardest thing he has ever had to do, but since then he made good friends with a couple of boys in his year. He though saw Paul but they ignored each other. He really regreted having done all those horrible things just to fit in. Now he is happy that he didn't get into a lot more trouble for it.

Well, that is all what I want to tell you about him. And I am quite sure that you are of the same opinion that he is great and that he has made a good decision. He is now in the safe hand.(laughing)

Best wishes,

Alex

Thank you very much for your kindness.
And Thank you a lot again.

 

[MikeNewYork]

Dear Lisa,
How are you doing? I hope you and your family are fine. Everything is going well here.

I'm writing to you because I've got something very exciting to tell you. I have a new boyfriend, John, who is a new boy in my class. Not only is he good looking, but he is someone who can distinguish right from wrong. He told me what he had done three months ago, and it moved me so deeply that I can't help telling you about it.

The story began with his moving to a new secondary school. As John was new in the class, he needed to make friends with the old pupils. But he failed to even find one new friend. He spent most of his breaks sitting in alone and playing on his cell phone. On one break, some boys from a higher grade invited him to go out with them after school. Of course, he was so happy, that he immediately agreed to join them. After school, they all went to the park. Paul, the leader of the group, offered John a cigarette and he took a few puffs just because he didn't want the boys to think he was not cool. When the boys ran out of cigarettes, they told John to get some for them. At first, he didn't understand what they expected from him. But then they explained that he had to take some money from his mum's purse to buy them. That night, he took $10 from his mum's purse. That was just the start. Soon he started playing truant, stealing from his family, shoplifting, and bullying anyone who got in his way. One day, he realised that he couldn't go on doing this -- that he was hurting too many people. He made up his mind to tell them that he could no longer hang aroung with them. It was one of the hardest thing he has ever had to do, but he told the older boys. After that, Paul and the other older boys ignored John, but since then he has made good friends with a couple of boys in his own class. He really regreted having done all those horrible things just to fit in, and he is now happy that he didn't get into a lot of trouble when he did them.

Well, that is I wanted to tell you about him. I hope that you agree with me that he made a good decision and showed good judgment. I really like John, and he's in good hands now -- mine! (laughing)

Best wishes,

Alex

Let me know if you like the new version. :wink:

 

[RonBee]

Mike has commented on the letter itself. Here are a few of my comments, which hopefully will be helpful.

Dear all,
I deadly need your help, please help me! Could you please correct my mistakes and if necessary, feel free to write in your words and to shorten.
I am assigned to write an informal letter to my friend( as homework ). But It's very important for me that I get not a good mark but a damn good mark for my letter so that I can cover my bad marks and go further.
It's about John I have to tell my friend.

Try:

• I badly need your help. Could you correct my mistakes and offer suggestions for improvements? I have been assigned to write an informal letter to my friend as a homework assignment. It's very important to me that I get not only a good mark but a very good mark for my letter so I can make up for my bad marks and get a good grade. It's a letter about John. I am telling my friend about him.

 

[RonBee]

Dear Lisa,
How are you doing? I hope you and your family are fine. Everything is going well here.

I'm writing to you because I've got something very exciting to tell you. I have a new boyfriend, John, who is a new boy in my class. Not only is he good looking, but he is someone who can distinguish right from wrong. He told me what he had done three months ago, and it moved me so deeply that I can't help telling you about it.

The story began with his moving to a new secondary school. As John was new in the class, he needed to make friends with the old pupils. But he failed to even find one new friend. He spent most of his breaks sitting in alone and playing on his cell phone. On one break, some boys from a higher grade invited him to go out with them after school. Of course, he was so happy, that he immediately agreed to join them. After school, they all went to the park. Paul, the leader of the group, offered John a cigarette and he took a few puffs just because he didn't want the boys to think he was not cool. When the boys ran out of cigarettes, they told John to get some for them. At first, he didn't understand what they expected from him. But then they explained that he had to take some money from his mum's purse to buy them. That night, he took $10 from his mum's purse. That was just the start. Soon he started playing truant, stealing from his family, shoplifting, and bullying anyone who got in his way. One day, he realised that he couldn't go on doing this -- that he was hurting too many people. He made up his mind to tell them that he could no longer hang aroung with them. It was one of the hardest thing he has ever had to do, but he told the older boys. After that, Paul and the other older boys ignored John, but since then he has made good friends with a couple of boys in his own class. He really regreted having done all those horrible things just to fit in, and he is now happy that he didn't get into a lot of trouble when he did them.

Well, that is I wanted to tell you about him. I hope that you agree with me that he made a good decision and showed good judgment. I really like John, and he's in good hands now -- mine! (laughing)

Best wishes,

Alex

Let me know if you like the new version. :wink:

I think your version is excellent, but I would say sitting alone (instead of sitting in alone) and one of the hardest things he has ever had to do.

What do you think?

 

[MikeNewYork]

I think your version is excellent, but I would say sitting alone (instead of sitting in alone) and one of the hardest things he has ever had to do.

What do you think?

I think you have the best eyes in the business. Both were errors on my part and I thank you. I hope the original author sees these.

 

[RonBee]

Thanks, Mike.

 

[MikeNewYork]

Thanks, Mike.

No problem, mate. :wink: