Mistakes inside my work

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hwhwhwhw

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Jan 2, 2008
Dear Teachers,

Would you kindly help me and point out my mistakes inside my work below?

n I enjoy my school life because I can study arts freely.
n And I still consider applying your school because your courses match my strength, my study mode and my career goal.
n Your courses give weight to research skills and deep understanding of literliture, which are essential to the development of a writer.
n The wide range of your arts courses will widen my choices in careers and this may brings me onto a different path toward my arts career achievements.


  • I have developed a good researching attitude through the Students Writing Scheme in 2005. I did successive preparation work for the research on the "Red Tower".
  • I have applied an assistant’s position in the language center and have been unofficially admitted.
  • I always show a high initiative in learning, I study master pieces with passion that I can always give a deep and clear understanding of the pieces at once I studied them. (because of my passion, I can understant the pieces within a short time)
 
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susiedqq

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Jan 14, 2008
n I enjoy my school life because I am free to study the arts.
n I am applying to your school because your courses match my strengths, my study mode, and my career goals.
n Your courses give weight to the importance of research skills and deep understanding of literature, which are essential to the development of any writer.
n The wide range of your arts courses will widen my choices in a career and this will take me to a different path towards achieving my arts career.

I have developed a good attitude about research because of the Student's Writing Scheme in 2005. I did successful preparation work for research on the "Red Tower".
  • I have applied for the assistant’s position in the language center and have been unofficially admitted.
  • I always show a high initiative in learning, I study the masterpieces with passion so that I can have a deep and clear understanding of their meanings. Because of my passion, I feel that I can understand the artwork completely.
 

hwhwhwhw

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Jan 2, 2008
Thank you Susiedqq. By looking at my original work, I found that I cannot combine complex points or causes and results into a sentence elegantly. How can I make the complex sentences look more elegant and clear?

eg.
I always seized opportunities to study Arts throughout my secondary school life.

I obtained a grade C in Chinese in the Certificate of Education Examination in 2005 and a grade C in Advanced-Level Chinese Culture in 2007.

I played an active role in participating Chinese activities within and beyond school. In 2005, I took part in the school team in Hong Kong Student Writing Project, Director in School Chinese Literliture Center and columnist of the school magazine. In 2006, I studied novel writing techniques within a summer camp. In 2007, I got a Champion in School Debate.
 
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susiedqq

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Jan 14, 2008
Don't worry about being "elegant" - but you must be clear!

I played an active role participating in Chinese activities during and after the school year. In 2005, I took part in the school team in Hong Kong Student Writing Project, was Director for the School Chinese Literature Center, and wrote as a columnist for the school magazine. In 2006, I studied novel writing techniques while attending a summer camp. In 2007, I earned a Championship Award in School Debate.
 
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