Moldy utility closet

shimacatu_sa

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Hi, could someone please check my paragraph below? I am writing this to practice choosing the right articles and tenses. I also would like to know if there are better ways to write this paragraph.
Thank you.


Ina's utility closet has been moldy for quite some time. Although she cleans it at least once a week, the mildew has kept coming back. When her mother visited her last weekend, she asked Ina if there was any water leak in the closet. Ina checked the closet, but couldn't find any. She told her mother that she suspected the problem was poor air circulation. After all, it's a small closet( )and ventilation is almost non-existent, so she needs to find a solution to the problem.

Questions about the bolded words:

1. ( ): Do I need a comma after "closet" or/and should I say "and its ventilation"?

2. So: Can I leave out "so"?

3. Air circulation/Ventilation: Is it OK to use "ventilation" as a synonym for "air circulation" in this context?
 
Last edited:
J

J&K Tutoring

Guest
1. Do I need a comma after "closet" It's optional. A comma should separate longer independent clauses. What do we mean by longer? That's the difficulty! Here, it would be best to add a comma, because after the second clause comes a conjunction and another independent clause.

1. should I say "and its ventilation"? Any time you have 'and' between parts of a question, it's really another question, isn't it? ;-) I'd say no. The closet cannot 'own' ventilation- it's a separate thing associated with the closet. "...ventilation is almost non-existent (in this particular closet), so she needs..."

2. No. Her need to find a solution to the problem is a result of the poor ventilation.

3. yes

Ina's utility closet has been moldy for quite some time. Although she cleans it at least once a week, the mildew keeps (agrees with cleans) coming back. When her mother visited her last weekend, she asked Ina if there was [STRIKE]any[/STRIKE] a water leak in the closet. Ina checked the closet, but couldn't find [STRIKE]any[/STRIKE]one. She told her mother that she suspected the problem was poor air circulation. After all, it's a small closet( )and ventilation is almost non-existent, so she needs to find a solution to the problem.

I have suggested some improvements. You need to rework the last sentence- the one I marked in red. As written, the pronoun she refers to the nearest noun: her mother. Is it Ina's mother who must find a solution to the problem? Probably not.
 

shimacatu_sa

VIP Member
Joined
Jan 4, 2017
Member Type
Student or Learner
Native Language
Japanese
Home Country
Japan
Current Location
Japan
She told her mother that she suspected the problem was poor air circulation. After all, it's a small closet( )and ventilation is almost non-existent, so she needs to find a solution to the problem.

I have suggested some improvements. You need to rework the last sentence- the one I marked in red. As written, the pronoun she refers to the nearest noun: her mother. Is it Ina's mother who must find a solution to the problem? Probably not.


J&K Tutoring, thank you for taking the time to correct my mistakes and telling me why they are incorrect. I do appreciate your corrections and suggestions. I have rewritten the sentence marked in red. Please check it if I followed your advice correctly.


After all, it's a small closet, and ventilation is almost non-existent, so Ina needs to find a solution to the problem.
 
J

J&K Tutoring

Guest
Much better! We can't just keep repeating the pronoun(s), especially as we bring new 'characters' into our story.
 
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