my lpi essay need some editor to review my essay

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gonghai

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I am currently a student at University of British Columbia in the faculty of Arts. In the past, I attended Vancouver Technical Secondary; looking back at my school years, I enjoyed grade eight the most: because it was special, successful and exciting.

In the transition from elementary to high school, everything changed dramatically. In grade eight, I felt like I was suddenly given an enormous amount of freedom. For instance, I can go home for lunch without having my parents sign a permission form. In addition to that, I do not have to ask for permission to go to the washroom or wander around the halls.

In all my academic years, grade eight was the most successful year. I got on the honor roll, received many awards and certificates. . The best part was that, I didn’t have to work hard for my achievements. Indeed grade eight wasn’t really important; however I did gain confidence through my success. For instance, there was no homework that I felt I was unable to complete. Also, I was not shy to raise my hand to answer questions.

The best thing I like about grade eight is being a popular student at school. All my teachers liked me a lot. I met many new friends and had many memorable moments together. For example, I remembered in November of 1996, my friends and I went to watch a movie; it was special because, it was my first time watching a movie without parents or adult supervision around. I felt like I have grown up.

In conclusion, grade eight is the best school year. Those memories are still vivid in colors as I sit here writing my LPI essay. I hope in the future my children will feel the same way as I did (entering high school).
 

Tdol

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What is an LPI essay? I haven't heard the term before.

I'd change this:
In grade eight, I felt like I was suddenly given an enormous amount of freedom
I'd use 'as if' instead of 'like'. Also,I wonder whether saying you didn't have to study hard is that advisable. ;-)
 

RonBee

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Say:
  • I didn't feel shy about raising my hand.
Say:
  • It was my first time watching a movie without parents or adult supervision.
Say:
  • I felt like I had grown up.

:)
 

RonBee

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gonghai said:
I am currently a student at University of British Columbia in the faculty of Arts. In the past, I attended Vancouver Technical Secondary; looking back at my school years, I enjoyed grade eight the most: because it was special, successful and exciting.

Replace the semicolon in that last sentence with a period.

gonghai said:
In the transition from elementary to high school, everything changed dramatically. In grade eight, I felt like I was suddenly given an enormous amount of freedom. For instance, I can go home for lunch without having my parents sign a permission form. In addition to that, I do not have to ask for permission to go to the washroom or wander around the halls.

Say I could go home for lunch. (Past tense.)

gonghai said:
In all my academic years, grade eight was the most successful year. I got on the honor roll, received many awards and certificates. . The best part was that, I didn’t have to work hard for my achievements. Indeed grade eight wasn’t really important; however I did gain confidence through my success. For instance, there was no homework that I felt I was unable to complete. Also, I was not shy to raise my hand to answer questions.

Say I was not shy about raising my hand in class.

gonghai said:
The best thing I like about grade eight is being a popular student at school. All my teachers liked me a lot. I met many new friends and had many memorable moments together. For example, I remembered in November of 1996, my friends and I went to watch a movie; it was special because, it was my first time watching a movie without parents or adult supervision around. I felt like I have grown up.

Say: "The best thing I liked about grade eight was being a popular student at school."

Re:
  • I met many new friends and had many memorable moments together.
Delete "together". In fact, "experiences" would be better than "moments" there.

gonghai said:
In conclusion, grade eight is the best school year. Those memories are still vivid in colors as I sit here writing my LPI essay. I hope in the future my children will feel the same way as I did (entering high school).

Better than "in conclusion" it would, I think, be better to say that grade eight was your best school year and that the memories are still with you.

:)
 

gonghai

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tdol said:
What is an LPI essay? I haven't heard the term before.

I'd change this:
In grade eight, I felt like I was suddenly given an enormous amount of freedom
I'd use 'as if' instead of 'like'. Also,I wonder whether saying you didn't have to study hard is that advisable. ;-)

LPI stands for language proficiency index
it is used in most canadian universities and collges.
I need a five, which is around 80% on the test (the whole exam does not count except the essay) to take first year english.
i need english to graduate and go on to third year

**also thank-you for you reply** :D
 

RonBee

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You're welcome. I hope I helped.

:D
 

jerrylou

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Mar 6, 2006
I think the openning about your current UBC student status is nothing to do with your topic. it sounds like you are writing a resume. better to make some connection, contrast. in fact, you should have more freedom at UBC. instead, you may mention a miserable experience in elementary school, serving as a transition and contrast to your grade 8 happy life.
 
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