My short story

Status
Not open for further replies.

Over the top

Member
Joined
Jul 8, 2007
Member Type
Student or Learner
Native Language
Arabic
Home Country
Saudi Arabia
Current Location
Saudi Arabia
Hello,
This is my first story can anyone correct it please


Towards the end of September at ten O'clock in the morning I met a man by accident and maybe it was the destiny that gathered us again. When our eyes have met, I lost myself.
"Who is that man?" I thought.
Quick scenes of wonderful time crossed my mind and sailed me to the time when I smiled, laughed and shared the happiest moments.
He walked close to me I heard his sweet voice through my ears
"Did we meet before?"
What a lovely voice he had! His facial expressions were wonderful and his bright eyes were so wistful.
"Maybe" I said
"Sure we did I feel that I know you"
I felt the same too. I felt there wasn't only a meeting, but a great bond we shared together. I thought I know this good-looking face and that I touched it one day.
He held my hands "We were lovers" he said. The touch of his hand was the same as I have always felt. I remembered him.
"Yes, you were, and still, my love" I said
"I am eager to hear it again" he said
I smiled "I love you"
Then he hugged me. His warm chest was always my head rest.
Nothing interrupted this long romantic hug except a voice was calling "grandma, grandma…"
"This is my granddaughter I take her to walk everyday" I smiled "It was a long time and I am grandma now"
"I am a grandpa too but my love for you is still young"
I bid farewell to him. When the sun sat down, we were continuing our separated lives.
 
Last edited:

RonBee

Moderator
Joined
Feb 9, 2003
Member Type
Other
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
Towards the end of September at ten O'clock in the morning I met a man by accident and maybe it was the destiny that gathered us again. When our eyes have met, I lost myself.
Towards the end of September at ten o'clock in the morning I met a man by accident, and maybe it was destiny that brought us together. When our eyes met I lost myself.
:)
 

Over the top

Member
Joined
Jul 8, 2007
Member Type
Student or Learner
Native Language
Arabic
Home Country
Saudi Arabia
Current Location
Saudi Arabia
Hi RonBee
Thanks alot for your correction
I need your opinion about my story.
Is it silly one?
Don't compliment me to make me feel good about myself
please..


:)
 

RonBee

Moderator
Joined
Feb 9, 2003
Member Type
Other
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
Hi RonBee
Thanks alot for your correction
I need your opinion about my story.
Is it silly one?
Don't compliment me to make me feel good about myself
please..


:)
It needs a lot of rewriting. For example, "He walked close to me I heard his sweet voice through my ears" should be changed to something like "He walked close to me. His sweet voice was music to my ears".

(Note that the original is really two sentences.)
:)
 

Over the top

Member
Joined
Jul 8, 2007
Member Type
Student or Learner
Native Language
Arabic
Home Country
Saudi Arabia
Current Location
Saudi Arabia
Thank you very much
 

RonBee

Moderator
Joined
Feb 9, 2003
Member Type
Other
Native Language
American English
Home Country
United States
Current Location
United States
Quick scenes of wonderful time crossed my mind and sailed me to the time when I smiled, laughed and shared the happiest moments.
Memories came to mind--memories of smiles and laughter.
:)
 
Last edited:
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top