need editing. and opinion

[gonghai]

Topic: should vending machine be allowed in school?

Many students like to buy food from the vending machine. Many high schools make money from students by selling junk food from vending machine. I think they should be allowed in school because it is convenient to students, and the school would have more funding for extra curricular activities.

I like buying food from vending machine. When I am thirsty and hungry, I find it convenient. There are a lot of vending machines in high school. The cafeteria is not open all the time. When I was in elementary there was no vending machine. When I was hungry, my tummy rumbled loudly, and I had a hard time concentrating. In my opinion, having a chocolate bar or a bag of chips once in awhile would not affect my health. I think vending machines are necessary at school.

The school earns money from students by selling food from vending machines. The money goes to clubs and other extra curricular activities. I think both the school and students benefit. By having an extra income coming from vending machine the school would not have to worry about funding or asking the government for more money.

I think vending machines benefit both students and the school. Vending machines are very convenient. I think they are necessary at school.

 

[RonBee]

• Topic: Should vending machines be allowed in school?
  
  Many students like to buy food from vending machines. ["The vending machine" would ve a specific vending machine.] Many high schools make money from students by selling junk food from vending machines. I think vending machines should be allowed in school because they are a convenience to students, and the school would have more funding for extra curricular activities.
  
  I like buying food from vending machines. When I am thirsty and hungry, I find it convenient. There are a lot of vending machines in high school. The cafeteria is not open all the time. When I was in elementary, there was no vending machine. When I was hungry, my tummy rumbled loudly, and I had a hard time concentrating. In my opinion, having a chocolate bar or a bag of chips once in awhile would not affect my health. I think vending machines are necessary at school.
  
  The school earns money from students by selling food from vending machines. The money goes to clubs and other extra curricular activities. I think both the school and students benefit. By having an extra income coming from vending machines the school would not have to worry about funding or asking the government for more money.
  
  I think vending machines benefit both students and the school. Vending machines are very convenient. I think they are necessary at school.

Is saying something should be allowed and saying it is necessary the same thing?

 

[gonghai]

• Topic: Should vending machines be allowed in school?
  
  Many students like to buy food from vending machines. ["The vending machine" would ve a specific vending machine.] Many high schools make money from students by selling junk food from vending machines. I think vending machines should be allowed in school because they are a convenience to students, and the school would have more funding for extra curricular activities.
  
  I like buying food from vending machines. When I am thirsty and hungry, I find it convenient. There are a lot of vending machines in high school. The cafeteria is not open all the time. When I was in elementary, there was no vending machine. When I was hungry, my tummy rumbled loudly, and I had a hard time concentrating. In my opinion, having a chocolate bar or a bag of chips once in awhile would not affect my health. I think vending machines are necessary at school.
  
  The school earns money from students by selling food from vending machines. The money goes to clubs and other extra curricular activities. I think both the school and students benefit. By having an extra income coming from vending machines the school would not have to worry about funding or asking the government for more money.
  
  I think vending machines benefit both students and the school. Vending machines are very convenient. I think they are necessary at school.

Is saying something should be allowed and saying it is necessary the same thing?

allowed and necessary - since you mentioned them, they are not the same.

thanks for the editing
ronbee- your a great helper

 

[RonBee]

allowed and necessary - since you mentioned them, they are not the same.

thanks for the editing
ronbee- your a great helper

You're welcome.

:wink:

 

[~Spirit's Away~]

gonghai, i'm struggling with the same test... Arts Faculty as well in UBC
There are only 3 more chances dude and I'm already semi-panicing.

The essay is a bit weak in the end even though you're not suppose to give any extra ideas into the last paragraph. Take note that you wrote "I think" quite a few times. Don't repeat phrases. Also, 4 paragraphs... I've once attended one of those Writing 098 course and the prof said that you're at a disadvantage if you only write 4 paragraphs instead of 5. Remember that. You started out not bad, but the end is flawed

If you want to communicate, my ICQ is 1 6 8 0 2 9 0 8 and see if we can somehow help each other out. c'ya man

and nah, i'm not in the mood to edit my own piece of writing written above

 

[RonBee]

:hi:

 

[den101]

For your vending related business, try visit this one.

http://www.businessbeanstalk.com/vending - Vending locations

 

[river]

Using "vending machine" ten times in four short paragraphs is too much.

School vending machines are popular and for good reason: studens enjoy the nutritious feel-good food they provide and schools make a significant profit on the sales.

Aren't more nutritious options being offered? For the sake of your argument, I hope so. In any case, I would avoid the term "junk food."