obsession~

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tachi

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I stood in the basketball court as the people leave. At last I was left alone lingering along the line drew on the ground. Over and over I contemplated about a shadow that was cast on this court. His adroit shot left me speechless like his every move made the crowd screamed. I scrutinized him from the crowd for a decade but couldn’t find a word good enough to delineate his smile after each game. Tempt by his placid eyes which turned a feeling of affection into a need. I found myself walking toward the address held in my hand, the one I got from the office last week when I was alone. I wanted to stop but my mind and body were apart. It’s coveting, craving, yarning for that face. Standing in front of his door should I knock or should I leave? Will he likes me or will he not? Will he be happy to see me or will he think I’m weird? Suddenly these questions stormed through my mind. But an approaching footstep limited my time to think. As it gets close and close I felt my body trembles a little. Who is it that’s getting close? Engulfed in fear the next minute I found myself in tear.
“Can I help you?” it was a familiar voice that I heard. I looked up but noticed a shinny light in the back. In it was a pale face and disheveled woman, my eyes widen by the sight.
“Are you ok”? He reached out.
“Ah!” I screamed.
“Monster! Monster! Get away from me!” tear was cascading down my cheek. I was really scared; I thought it would get me. I was running and running, I thought I got away from it but every time I looked up it was that horrible face of that monster. Why won’t she leave me alone? Moisture reappeared in my eyes.
“Doctor Allan when will she leave me alone?” looking at the man in front of me for help.
“Soon,” He said, “soon.”
 

RonBee

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Re:
  • I stood in the basketball court as the people leave.
Say:
  • I stood on the basketball court as the people left.

(I'll post more later.)

:)
 

RonBee

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It's later. :wink:

tachi said:
At last I was left alone lingering along the line drew on the ground.

"At last" doesn't work there unless the person had been waiting to be left alone. Try:
  • I was left alone (or: by myself) lingering (or: standing) near the line drawn on the ground.

The reader will want more specific information. What line were "you" standing near? The foul line?

tachi said:
Over and over I contemplated about a shadow that was cast on this court.

The word "contemplate" is a transitive verb, and it takes a direct object. Try:
  • Over and over I contemplated a shadow that was cast on the court.

What can you use in place of "Over and over"?

:)
 
T

tachi

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nods....
i was trying to practice my vocabulary...
guess it didnt came out that well lol
thnx for ur help
 

RonBee

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tachi said:
His adroit shot left me speechless like his every move made the crowd screamed.

Try:
  • His adroit shot had left me speechless just as his every move had made the crowd cheer.

tachi said:
I scrutinized him from the crowd for a decade but couldn’t find a word good enough to delineate his smile after each game.

What might you use instead of "scrutinized"? What might you use instead of "delineate"?

:)
 

RonBee

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tachi said:
nods....
i was trying to practice my vocabulary...
guess it didnt came out that well lol
thnx for ur help

No, it's not that bad. I'm just trying to help you exercise your writing muscles. The more alternatives you can think of the better your writing will be. The more alternatives you can think of the better you will be able to say what you want to say.

:)
 

RonBee

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That is a very strange story. :wink:

tachi said:
Tempt by his placid eyes which turned a feeling of affection into a need.

Try:
  • I was tempted by his placid eyes which turned a feeling of affection into a need.

tachi said:
I found myself walking toward the address held in my hand, the one I got from the office last week when I was alone.

"I found myself walking toward the address" is good. The rest is problematic. If you need to mention that you got the address from the office (What office?) then say had gotten. For you to say last week the narrative has to be in the present tense. If the narrative is in the past tense, say previous week. If you mention that "you" were alone the reader is likely to think that is a remarkable thing. Use words that indicate the state of mind of the protagonist. Perhaps:
  • I found myself walking toward the address written on the sweat-drenched piece of paper held tightly in my right hand.

What do you think?

:)
 

RonBee

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tachi said:
I wanted to stop but my mind and body were apart.

I'm not sure what you mean. Do you mean that "you" had conflicted feelings? Better:
  • I wanted to stop, but I couldn't.

tachi said:
It’s coveting, craving, yarning for that face.

Try:
  • I yearned for the sight of that face.
Or:
  • I yearned for the sight of his face.

tachi said:
Standing in front of his door should I knock or should I leave?

Try:
  • Standing in front of his door, I wondered if I should knock or if I shoiuld leave.

tachi said:
Will he likes me or will he not?

  • Will he like me or will he not?

tachi said:
Will he be happy to see me or will he think I’m weird?

That's good, but put a comma after me.

tachi said:
Suddenly these questions stormed through my mind.

That's good except you should delete Suddenly. (What other words can you use instead of "stormed"?)

tachi said:
But an approaching footstep limited my time to think.

Change approaching footstep to approaching footsteps. (What else will you have to change?)

tachi said:
As it gets close and close I felt my body trembles a little.

Say I felt my body tremble. (What else will you have to change?)

:)
 
T

tachi

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"Will he like me or will he not?"

i dun undertand this part
becuz she doesnt know he likes her or not
shouldnt it be would he like me or would he not?
i'm having trouble w/ my tenses.....


thank u for ur help :)
 
T

tachi

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"Will he like me or will he not?"

i dun undertand this part
becuz she doesnt know he likes her or not
shouldnt it be would he like me or would he not?
i'm having trouble w/ my tenses.....


thank u for ur help :)
 

Tdol

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'Will' is used before a meeting, when she knows that they will meet- before a date, say. 'Would' implies that it is an imaginary situation and no date is planned. ;-)
 

Tdol

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'Will' is used before a meeting, when she knows that they will meet- before a date, say. 'Would' implies that it is an imaginary situation and no date is planned. ;-)
 

Tdol

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ur welkum ;-)
 

Tdol

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ur welkum ;-)
 

RonBee

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tachi said:
But an approaching footstep limited my time to think. As it gets close and close I felt my body trembles a little.

Try:
  • But the approaching footsteps limited my time to think. As they got closer and closer I felt my body tremble a little.

tachi said:
Who is it that’s getting close? Engulfed in fear the next minute I found myself in tear.

Put that first sentence in the past tense. Did she wonder who it was? Did she feel afraid? Did she find herself in tears because she was so afraid?


tachi said:
“Can I help you?” it was a familiar voice that I heard. I looked up but noticed a shinny light in the back. In it was a pale face and disheveled woman, my eyes widen by the sight.
“Are you ok”? He reached out.

Better than "shiny light" would be "bright light". Say "the pale face of a disheveled woman". Say, "My eyes widened at the sight."


tachi said:
“Ah!” I screamed.

That's good. :wink:

tachi said:
“Monster! Monster! Get away from me!” tear was cascading down my cheek.

Say: "Tears were...."

tachi said:
I was really scared; I thought it would get me.

That's good. :)

tachi said:
I was running and running, I thought I got away from it but every time I looked up it was that horrible face of that monster.

Try:
  • I was running and running. Every time I thought I had gotten away from it I looked up and once again saw the horrible face of that monster.

tachi said:
Why won’t she leave me alone? Moisture reappeared in my eyes.

Say: "Why wouldn't she leave me alone?" The second sentence is a little strange, because tears don't dry that quickly.

tachi said:
“Doctor Allan when will she leave me alone?” looking at the man in front of me for help.

Perhaps:
  • "Doctor Allan, when will she leave me alone?" I said, as I looked at the man in front of me for help.

tachi said:
“Soon,” He said, “soon.”

Try:
"Soon," he said. "Soon."

:)
 

RonBee

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tachi said:
But an approaching footstep limited my time to think. As it gets close and close I felt my body trembles a little.

Try:
  • But the approaching footsteps limited my time to think. As they got closer and closer I felt my body tremble a little.

tachi said:
Who is it that’s getting close? Engulfed in fear the next minute I found myself in tear.

Put that first sentence in the past tense. Did she wonder who it was? Did she feel afraid? Did she find herself in tears because she was so afraid?


tachi said:
“Can I help you?” it was a familiar voice that I heard. I looked up but noticed a shinny light in the back. In it was a pale face and disheveled woman, my eyes widen by the sight.
“Are you ok”? He reached out.

Better than "shiny light" would be "bright light". Say "the pale face of a disheveled woman". Say, "My eyes widened at the sight."


tachi said:
“Ah!” I screamed.

That's good. :wink:

tachi said:
“Monster! Monster! Get away from me!” tear was cascading down my cheek.

Say: "Tears were...."

tachi said:
I was really scared; I thought it would get me.

That's good. :)

tachi said:
I was running and running, I thought I got away from it but every time I looked up it was that horrible face of that monster.

Try:
  • I was running and running. Every time I thought I had gotten away from it I looked up and once again saw the horrible face of that monster.

tachi said:
Why won’t she leave me alone? Moisture reappeared in my eyes.

Say: "Why wouldn't she leave me alone?" The second sentence is a little strange, because tears don't dry that quickly.

tachi said:
“Doctor Allan when will she leave me alone?” looking at the man in front of me for help.

Perhaps:
  • "Doctor Allan, when will she leave me alone?" I said, as I looked at the man in front of me for help.

tachi said:
“Soon,” He said, “soon.”

Try:
"Soon," he said. "Soon."

:)
 
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