Patrons in a restaurant watched

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Bassim

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I am wondering if my sentence is grammatically correct.

Patrons in a restaurant watched with their mouths open as the members of hen and stag parties got into a brawl. Nobody knew what sparked it, but soon glasses. bottles, plates and cutlery were flying through the air, forcing people to run for cover.
 

Tarheel

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I think "mouths agape" would work better than "mouths open" there.
 

Bassim

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Tarhee,

Thank you for correcting my sentence. I would just say that Logman dictionary has: "with your mouth open" and "with your mouth agape." So I chose the first phrase.
 

GoesStation

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I don't like it. I don't think of participants in a hen or a stag party as "members", and I can't tell whether there's one of each or a whole slew of such parties appeared in the venue at the same time.
 

Bassim

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I really don't know which better word could I use instead of "members" ? The only other suitable word I can think of is "participants."

What about this version:

Patrons in a restaurant watched with their mouths agape as the participants of a hen and a stag party got into a brawl.
 

GoesStation

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I think you can solve your problem by dividing this into two sentences. The first tells us the two parties arrived; the second tells us about the brawl.
 

emsr2d2

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I'd say they watched open-mouthed.
 

teechar

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I really don't know which better word could I use instead of "members".
You can try "people from stag and hen parties, etc."
 

emsr2d2

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Or people "at/with/on stag and hen parties".
 
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