Please advice on whether one should use "One day"

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Helped Wanted

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I would like to know if you can use "One day" to begin when writing a story about a robbery as in:


One day, while some customers were choosing their accessories, as usual, a gang of robbers with guns rushed into the shop.


Please advice and correct the sentence above if there's any mistakes. Once again,many many thanks for helping on the topic of robbery! T_T
 

RonBee

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Re: Please advice on whether one should use "One day&qu

Helped Wanted said:
One day, while some customers were choosing their accessories, as usual, a gang of robbers with guns rushed into the shop.

There is nothing wrong with One day, but the phrase as usual makes it seem as if it is a regular occurrence for the shop to be robbed. I would delete as usual from that sentence. (It makes it seem almost as if the gang of robbers was expected.)

:)
 

Casiopea

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Re: Please advice on whether one should use "One day&qu

Helped Wanted said:
I would like to know if you can use "One day" to begin when writing a story about a robbery as in:


One day, while some customers were choosing their accessories, as usual, a gang of robbers with guns rushed into the shop.


Please advice and correct the sentence above if there's any mistakes. Once again,many many thanks for helping on the topic of robbery! T_T

I agree with RonBee.

Suggestion about ',as usual,': delete one of the commas, and modify 'customers' with the word 'shop':

One day, while the shop customers were choosing their accessories as usual, a gang of robbers with guns rushed into the shop.

:D
 

RonBee

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I must disagree with Cas. (I wouldn't say shop customers.) Try:
  • One day, while some customers were choosing their accessories, an armed gang of robbers rushed into the shop.

What do you think? (I think rushed into the shop is a nice touch.)

:)
 

Tdol

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How about 'charged into' or 'burst'? ;-)
 
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