[General] Please check my English

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Annata

New member
Joined
Jun 25, 2010
Member Type
Student or Learner
Object: Financing your Project



We recently had exchanges with Mr. I. to inform; him that the financing of your project was conditioned by an audit to be carried out by an expert of our Group on the spot.


This expert will get in touch with you in 3 weeks times. His name is Mr. L.



His role is to:


analyze your request-


- check the technical, marketing, commercial and marketing data that you sent us


- look for possible PISTES of development



Once he provides his hand out, we will be able to give a prompt answer to your financial request.



I would like to specify that, contrary to your mail dating June 19, 2010, we have not approved any financial agreement.



Following our expert audit and in case we agree to finance, we will come to Egypt to:


-Sign up the financial contract


-Meet his Excellency, Mr. Prime Minister and the Minister of Foreign Affairs in the framework of the signature of (Accord de Siege I will check it later) between the Republic of A. and A. This agreement will allow our investors to commit themselves in various public and private funding, humanitarian or refundable.


Best regards,
 
Last edited:

Leandro-Z

Member
Joined
Jun 9, 2010
Member Type
Student or Learner
Native Language
Spanish
Home Country
Argentina
Current Location
Argentina
Object: Financing your Project





We recently had exchanges with Mr. I. to inform[STRIKE];[/STRIKE] him that the financing of your project was conditioned by an audit to be carried out by an expert of our Group on the spot.


This expert will get in touch with you in 3 weeks times. His name is Mr. L.



His role is to:


analyze your request-


- check the technical, marketing, commercial and [STRIKE]marketing[/STRIKE] economics production data that you sent us


- look for possible PISTES of development



Once he provides his hand out, we will be able to give a prompt [STRIKE]answer[/STRIKE] reply to your financial request.



I would like to specify that, contrary to your mail dating June 19, 2010, we have not approved any financial agreement.



Following our expert audit and in case we agree to finance, we will come to Egypt to:


-Sign up the financial contract


-Meet his Excellency, Mr. Prime Minister and the Minister of Foreign Affairs in the framework of the signature of (According de Siege I will check it later) [STRIKE]between[/STRIKE] the Republic of A. and A. This agreement will allow our investors to commit themselves in various public and private funding, humanitarian or refundable.


Best regards,

Those are my corrections. I have done my utmost, because it is a beautiful composition.
 

Heterological

Member
Joined
Jun 25, 2010
Member Type
English Teacher
Object: Financing your Project


We recently contacted [STRIKE]had exchanges with [/STRIKE]Mr. I. to inform[STRIKE];[/STRIKE] him that the financing of your project was [STRIKE]conditioned by [/STRIKE] contingent upon an audit to be carried out by an expert of our [STRIKE]G[/STRIKE]group [STRIKE]on the spot[/STRIKE].

This expert will get in touch with you in 3 weeks' time[STRIKE]s[/STRIKE]. His name is Mr. L.

His role is to:
analyze your request-
- check the technical, marketing, commercial and marketing data that you sent us
- look for possible PISTES of development

Once he provides his [STRIKE]hand out[/STRIKE] "handout" (one word) or better yet "analysis", we will be able to give a prompt answer to your financial request.

I would like to specify that, contrary to [STRIKE]your mail [/STRIKE] the letter you sent dated [STRIKE]dating[/STRIKE] June 19, 2010, we have not approved any financial agreement.

Following our expert audit, if [STRIKE]and in case [/STRIKE]we agree to finance, we will come to Egypt to:

-Sign [STRIKE]up[/STRIKE] the financial contract

-Meet his Excellency, Mr. Prime Minister and the Minister of Foreign Affairs in the framework of the signature of (Accord de Siege I will check it later) between the Republic of A. and A. This agreement will allow our investors to commit themselves in various public and private funding, humanitarian or refundable.


Best regards,
I changed "exchanges" to "contact" for clarity, removed an extraneous semicolon, changed "conditioned by" to "contingent upon" (I assume you mean that a successful audit is a necessaray condition of the financing, right?) changed the "g" in group to lowercase (it's not a proper noun), and deleted "on the spot." Perhaps you mean "on site;" I couldn't really tell. "On the spot" is an idiomatic expression meaning "spontaneously, without preparation." For example, the other day a student asked me a question in class that wasn't related to the lesson, but it was an excellent question that I thought the whole class should receive an answer to. So I created a lesson on that subject "on the spot." Presumably your audit will be prepared ahead of time.

I changed "three weeks times" to "three weeks' time." The noun "handout" is one word, but I don't think it's the word you're looking for; I think "analysis" or similar would fit better. I changed "your mail dating" to "the letter you sent dated;" if this was an email or fax, you could say "the email/fax you sent on (date)."

The "and" before "in case" is unnecessary, and "in case" doesn't really have the right tone. It carries a negative connotation; you see it on fire alarms ("in case of fire, break glass") and elevators ("in case of fire, use stairs. Do not use elevator.") You do things "in case" of something bad. "If" is more neutral. Also, you "sign up" on a list, you merely "sign" a contract.

It's very well-written overall. Good luck!
 
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