Please check my essay writing.

[jomo27]

Please check the grammar and mistakes.
Thanks.


He was born on a farm in Fujian, one of the province in China, on January 7th, 1925. His father owned a farm in the area, but he was brought up in a residential area. He went to Public school in China. He didn't continue his studies when he grew older. And he helped his father on the farm. He enganged a woman when he reached 20. With the economic problem, he and his girl moved to Indonesia to find a better job. They arrived in a city named Medan. He married the woman in Indonesia, and they had 14 children, and one of them is my mother.

When he was in Indonesia, he worked as a truck driver and now he owns an industry which is located in Jakarta, capital city of Indonesia. Currently, he is 83 years old and yet is still alive. He has been living in Indonesia for more than 60 years and he felt delighted about it. He learnt many things within those years. He told to all his children about his experience.

He told me that his past was terrible because he was having a bad economic situation. Moreover, the technologies in the past was really bad compared to the present. His opinion about the world is that he loves the world without wars. And hopefully, he hopes all his children and grandchildren would be success like him.

 

[David L.]

He was born on a farm in Fujian, one of the provinces in China, on January 7th, 1925. His father owned a farm (in the area - omit: we assume the farm was in the province you just referred to, and it repeats with 'area' in the next clause.) but he was brought up in a residential area.

He went to Public school in China. He didn't continue his studies when he grew older. And he helped his father on the farm. He enganged a woman when he reached 20. With the economic problem, he and his girl moved to Indonesia to find a better job. They arrived in a city named Medan. He married the woman in Indonesia, and they had 14 children, and one of them is my mother.

Each of these sentences if short and gives the flow of the text a stop-start-stop quality. Do you think you could combine some of the information into longer sentences?
Also, we assume he went to school in China because that's where he was born. You would meantion where he went to school if it was different eg Japan.



When he was in Indonesia,
You have not said that he left Indonesia, that you would use this construction. It is like implying, 'he didn't stay long but whilst he was in Indonesia...'

In Indonesia, he worked as a truck driver and now (he-omit) owns a company which is located in Jakarta, the capital of Indonesia.

Currently, he is 83 years old and yet is still alive.

I think you mean, Currently, he is 83 years old and yet is still very active.

He has been living in Indonesia for more than 60 years now, and he feels very happy and content. He has learnt many things over those years, and enjoys telling all his children about his experiences.

He told me of past hardships when he was going through a bad economic situation. Moreover, the technologies of the past were rather primitive compared to today. His view of the world is that he loves the world - one without wars, and where all his children and grandchildren are successful like him.

 

[jomo27]

Thanks man!

All you did was perfect! :up: