Please give me some pieces of advice about my essay

[linhtho0211]

This is my essay. I don't know if my ideas are all exact and adequate as well as if my structures and the use of words are ok. I hope that you can help me to make it better.
Topic: Some people think that the use of computers should be restricted to reduce its harmful effect on children. Do you agree or disagree? Write a composition of 200 words giving your opinion on the topic.
Answer:

To me, the use of computers should be restricted to reduce its harmful effect on children.
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Firstly, computers can make children neglect their study. Children can spend so many hours on computer games that they have no time for their study. Or even when they are in class, they may not pay attention to the lesson but think about games, for example, how to kill the boss or how to up level.
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Secondly, using a computer much surely does harm to children’s health. Like televisions, computers have nothing to protect the eye. If children look at them for too long, their eyes are harmed. Moreover, children’s muscles are weakened when they sit still to use a computer. Being absorbed in computers, they also often stay up late, which affects their growth.
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Finally, computers may affect children’s characters. For instance, being asked to study while playing his favorite game, a child may be willing to lie that he has done his homework to continue playing. Furthermore, if accessed to the Internet, a computer can happen to bring to children bad images such as sex and violence. And then children may have wrong thoughts about them.
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In conclusion, restricting the use of computers is necessary for children. However, children still should be allowed to use them because computers have their own advantages. (220 words)​

 

[oregeezer]

[Topic: Some people think that the use of computers should be restricted to reduce its harmful effect on children. Do you agree or disagree? Write a composition of 200 words giving your opinion on the topic.


Revised Answer:

The use of computers should be restricted to reduce its harmful effect on children.​

Firstly, computers can make children neglect their studies. Children can spend so many hours on computer games that they have no time left for their study. Even in class, they may not pay attention to the lesson but think about games, for example, how to kill the boss or how to go up a level.​

Secondly, using a computer too much surely does harm to children’s health. Computers do nothing to protect the eyes. If children look at them for too long, their eyes are harmed. Moreover, muscles are weakened when children sit still using a computer. Being absorbed, they also often stay up late, which affects their growth.​

Finally, computers may affect children’s character. When being asked to study while playing his favorite game, a child may lie that he has done his homework so he may continue playing. If connected to the Internet it may bring images of sex and violence leading children to have bad thoughts.​

In conclusion, restricting the use of computers is necessary for children. However, children still should be allowed to use them because computers have their own advantages. ( 199 words)​

[/quote]
Did WE get an A?

 

[linhtho0211]

Thanks very much indeed for editing my essay.
But oregeezer, I don't know what you mean by "Did we get an A?". Can you kindly explain it to me?
Ah, and I want to know if this essay is easy to understand because my teacher often says that my essays are difficult to understand.
Thanks once again.

 

[namthao]

Hi Linhtho,

I bring up my opinion that I hope you judge it by yourself.

First, your assay has three parts, introduction, body and final thought.
- The instroduction was so short, I thought you should open it wider then narrow it into your opinion.
- The body, you had three main ideas that you tried to support your topic: your main ideas are clear, but you need more details to make your assay longer.

- The final thought is not strong enough. I thought you should pick up some your main ideas and add up some more other ideas.

In technical writing, you are good in compound and complex structure sentences, but you still have a few mistakes about subject and verb agreement and about plural and single.
Appearantly, readers may understand you, but in ESL, I thought you can do better than this.



"In my opinion, to reduce its harmful effect on children, the use of computers should be restricted.

First, computers can make children neglecting their studies. Children can spend so many hours on computer games that they have no time for their studies, or even when they are being in class, they may not pay attention to the lesson, but think about games, for example, how to kill the boss or how to up level.

Second, gazing at computer too much, the children surely get harm to their health. Like televisions, computers have nothing to protect the eyes, so their eyes are harmd if children look at the computer for too long. Moreover, children’s muscles of body are weakened when they still sit in using computer. Being absorbed in computers, they also often stay up late that affects their health in growing up.

Next, playing on computer for several hours, it may change children’s characters. For instance, the children can't study while playing their favorite games. Otherwise, the children may also lie about doing their homeworks although they don't do anything yet. Furthermore, if getting on the Internet, the children may be curious and violate to get in some sites that permit for adult only.

In conclusion, restricting the use of computers is necessary for children. However, the children should be allowed to use them because using of computers may have many advantages."

Good luck

Nam Thao
​

 

[linhtho0211]

Thank you very much indeed for your adivce, Namthao.
I find your advice rather useful. I'll take it:-D

However, I disagree with you in some aspects.
First, I think "make them neglect" is correct, not "make them neglecting". I mean "make somebody do something"
Next, I think "even when they are being in class" as you edited is not correct. I think it should be "even when they are in class" or "even in class" as oregeezer wrote.
Third, I think "of body" in "muscles of body" is not necessary. Muscles themselves belong to body.
Fourth, I think it'd better to omit "in" in "sit still in using a computer".
Finally, I think the idea you gave "Next, playing on computer for several hours, it may change children's character" is not proper in both meaning and structure. Regarding meaning, playing on computer in general may change children's character, not only for several hours. Concerning structure, if you write like that, it means "it play on computer, not children". So it should be "Next, playing on computer for several hours, children may change their character"

 

[namthao]

Hello Lintho,

Right or wrong, I don't have to discuss with you because people in the world will know. When giving you my opinion, I gave you another look, so you may pick up my advise or not, it is up to you. Please don't get up set if you ask people help you in this forum.

Good luck and have a nice day
Nam Thao