please help me proof read this sentance

Status
Not open for further replies.
U

Unregistered

Guest
The busy schedule crammed into available spaces create the perfect picture of hurried times.
 

CharmedCara

New member
Joined
Mar 7, 2008
Member Type
Academic
I am not a teacher-I'm a student so you should check on this with a teacher

The sentence is a little confusing because I'm not sure of the context in which you're using this particular sentence (I don't know the situation or how this one sentence relates to the rest of the text). However, I'll take a stab at it and hopefully it will help you. Based solely on what you've given me I believe there are various ways to make the sentence flow and sound a little bit better.

--> Here's some ideas of the different words you could replace with the original word in the sentence (changed word is indicated in red). <--

:shock: The original words you had aren't necessarily incorrect, but here are some alternatives:
A) The word "hurried" could be replaced with: "hectic/hasty/chaotic times..." (any of these words would work)

B) The word "create" could be replaced with: "produces/projects/paints/gives way to/results in the perfect picture..." (any of these words would work)

C) The word "perfect" could be replaced with: "extraordinary/unparalleled/flawless/fantastic picture..." (any of these words would work)



:up: New sentences

Original Sentence
The busy schedule crammed into available spaces create the perfect picture of hurried times.

1. The busy schedule crammed into the available spaces creates the perfect picture of hasty times.
OR

2. The busy schedule being crammed into the available spaces creates A flawless/fantastic picture of hectic times.

*GRAMMAR NOTE: Before the adjectives "flawless or fantastic" the article is "A". When an adjective begins with a consonant (b,c,d,f,g,h...) the article that must be used is " A ".

OR

3. The busy schedule being crammed into the available spaces creates AN extraordinary/unparalleled picture of hectic times.

*GRAMMAR NOTE: Before the adjectives "extraordinary or unparalleled" the article is " AN ". When an adjective begins with a vowel (a,e,i,o,u) the article that must be used is " AN ".


:?: Careful with the following sentences - note that now the verbs are in the past tense (I'm not sure if these sentences will work with the rest of your text because I don't know if the rest of the information is in the present tense or past tense). You want to make sure that all your verb tenses correlate or match with each other within that one particular idea or thought.​

Past-Past Present-Present Future-Future


4. The busy schedule that was crammed into the available spaces created the perfect picture of hectic times.

OR

5. The busy schedule that was crammed into the available spaces painted the perfect picture of hurried times.

OR

6. The busy schedule that was crammed into the available spaces projected the perfect picture of chaotic times.​


**Remember these are only suggestions and you should use whichever combination of words you feel most comfortable with and that make the most sense to you! Also, have a teacher look at these if you aren't sure about what to do!!!**
 

David L.

VIP Member
Joined
Nov 7, 2007
Member Type
Other
The busy schedule, crammed into available spaces, creates the perfect picture of hurried times.

What about:
The busy schedule, crammed into pockets of available time, creates the perfect picture of our hurried times.

or

The busy schedule, crammed into the pockets of daily life, creates the perfect picture of hurried times.

"hurried" is probably a good choice here, as it understates what is so obviously implied - the always on-the-go-something-always-has-to-be-done lives we live. The sentence has a detached, calm, objective quality to it that really strikes me. It's almost like something you would see in a wall embroidery, something like, "Squander not time, for it is the stuff that life is made of."
 
Last edited:

ScotsMaggie

Member
Joined
Mar 7, 2008
Member Type
English Teacher
Native Language
English
Home Country
Scotland
Current Location
United States
The busy schedule crammed into available spaces create the perfect picture of hurried times.

All you asked for was someone to proofread this sentence:
Change create to 'creates' since the noun it relates to is the singular 'schedule'.

If you want an edit, then try this: The busy schedule fills every available space and creates a perfect example of hurried times.

It is not easy to edit anything without seeing the whole paragraph, so this may not fit too well.
 

David L.

VIP Member
Joined
Nov 7, 2007
Member Type
Other
Testy testy, ScotsMaggie.
The grammatically corrected sentence was given.
If 'available spaces' strikes me as 'odd' - smacks more of being to do with parking lots or dentists' diaries - then I consider that part of proof reading also. The poster then has alternatives he/she may not have considered (which might extend their fluency) and which can just as easily be rejected.
 
Last edited:
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top