please help me to correct my essay. thanks a million.

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eric2004

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(i'm an english learner, in china now, and ready for the ielts exam on 15th, Nov. i hope every teacher can help me correct my essays in these days. it would be very appreciated. thank you everybody. i'm looking forward to your help.)

Internet will replace books



While the form of written words is still the main method of communication for us at present, I believe there is an inevitably prevailing tendency for human civilization that Internet will eventually take the place of conventional publications such as books, magazines and newspapers.

Internet, in fact, as a production of information revolution happened at the end of last century, has completely changed our lifestyles to varying degrees, especially in the field of information communication. Compared with conventional media, Internet has predominant technical advantages, such as fast speed, instant feedback and useful means of transmitting information. We can now receive updated news taken place in the world from the website of CNN or BBC and also subscribe or purchase books from Amazon online bookshop. Technically the dream of computer replacing the publication of written words would come true very soon.

More importantly, as Internet technology develops, computers will become more tightly connected with our social lives than ever before. Sometimes they even tend to be taken as the invasion into human society. Indeed, we may be definitely intoxicated with the world based on telecommunication and information technology socially and psychologically, because like book or TV of the past, we seem to be no choice but accept it.

Surely it can be argued that the Internet will soon replace print media because of its deficiencies such as inconvenience to read or harm for our health. But once again, it is only the matter of time that we can improve such technological issues with the development of science, especially the technique of AI.

Personally I feel strongly that once such technology bottlenecks are solved, print media would die out in the near future and at last we could communicate with other people anytime, anywhere solely via the Internet.
 

Tdol

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Sorry- here's a start- I'll come back in a few minutes. ;-)

While the written word is still the main method of communication for us at present, I believe it is an inevitable prevailing tendency for human civilization that the Internet will eventually take the place of conventional publications such as books, magazines and newspapers.
 

Tdol

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The Internet, in fact, which revolutionised the creation of information at the end of the last century, has (I deleted completely because it clashes logically with the idea of varying degrees) changed our lifestyles to varying degrees, especially in the field of information communication.
 

Tdol

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Compared with conventional media, the Internet has clear technical advantages, such as speed, instant feedback and useful means (I'm not happy with this phrase- leters and the phone are also useful- how about a convenient means ...?) of transmitting information.
 

RonBee

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Please try to be patient. All of us are volunteers, even me. :wink:

Internet will replace books



While the form of written words is still the main method of communication for us at present, I believe there is an inevitably prevailing tendency for human civilization that Internet will eventually take the place of conventional publications such as books, magazines and newspapers.

  • The Internet Will Replace Books

    While written language is still the main method of communication for us at present, I believe it is inevitable that the Internet will eventually take the place of conventional publications such as books, magazines and newspapers.

I think you need to change that first clause some. Instead of written words perhaps print media (which excludes television and radio). Instead of communication perhaps mass communication, since you are obviously not talking about communication between individuals.

What do you think?

:)
 

RonBee

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Internet, in fact, as a production of information revolution happened at the end of last century, has completely changed our lifestyles to varying degrees, especially in the field of information communication.

  • The Internet, as a product of an information revolution that happened at the end of the last century, has greatly changed our lives, especially in the field of information communication.

Compared with conventional media, Internet has predominant technical advantages, such as fast speed, instant feedback and useful means of transmitting information.

If you contrast two things you should use compared to. But you can make that snappier. Perhaps:

  • The Internet has a huge technical advantage over other media with its speed in communicating ideas and information.

What do you think? :)

We can now receive updated news taken place in the world from the website of CNN or BBC and also subscribe or purchase books from Amazon online bookshop.

  • We can now receive updated news taking place anywhere in the world from the websites of CNN or BBC and we can also subscribe to ? or purchase books from the Amazon online bookshop.

What about the Fox News Channel website? :D
http://www.foxnews.com/

Technically the dream of computer replacing the publication of written words would come true very soon.

  • The dream of the computer replacing print media like newspapers and magazines could come true very soon.

It could, but it probably won't. :wink:

:)
 
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eric2004

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thanks a lot for all your helps. you're so nice that i'm really grateful.
:D
sir tdol ((I'm not happy with this phrase- leters and the phone are also useful- how about a convenient means ...?)
i don't know what you meant "phrase-leters" ?. i have to write this essay done in 40 minutes. :( so i can't take it into consideration too much. btw, i'm confused about the difference between some words. hmm. what about "fashionable transmitting method"? and thanks for your help. hope you can continue to correct my essay in the next few days.

sir Ronbee, sorry i can't tell the detailed division among such words. so i have to write down the words immediately what i can remember. :D hope you can help me and instruct me how to improve my writing skills for the purpose of getting good score in Ielts exam.
thanks everybody. and could you pls correct the next paragraphs of my essay? :D i would be very happy to see you pick on me. and hope you all don't mind i will post some other essays.
sorry i don' t know other expressions for my gratitude but thanks and so on.
 
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eric2004

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btw. why somtimes you plus "the" and sometimes eliminate "the"? and when i should use "singular word" to describe something or "plural word"?
hope you tell me.
 

RonBee

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eric2004 said:
thanks a lot for all your helps. you're so nice that i'm really grateful.
:D
sir tdol ((I'm not happy with this phrase- leters and the phone are also useful- how about a convenient means ...?)
i don't know what you meant "phrase-leters" ?. i have to write this essay done in 40 minutes. :( so i can't take it into consideration too much. btw, i'm confused about the difference between some words. hmm. what about "fashionable transmitting method"? and thanks for your help. hope you can continue to correct my essay in the next few days.

sir Ronbee, sorry i can't tell the detailed division among such words. so i have to write down the words immediately what i can remember. :D hope you can help me and instruct me how to improve my writing skills for the purpose of getting good score in Ielts exam.
thanks everybody. and could you pls correct the next paragraphs of my essay? :D i would be very happy to see you pick on me. and hope you all don't mind i will post some other essays.
sorry i don' t know other expressions for my gratitude but thanks and so on.

I'll try to answer your questions. :)

Tdol said:

  • Compared with conventional media, the Internet has clear technical advantages, such as speed, instant feedback and useful means (I'm not happy with this phrase- leters and the phone are also useful- how about a convenient means ...?) of transmitting information.

What he meant was that in addition to the Internet letters and the phone are also useful, so there is probably a better word to use than useful, and he suggested convenient as one possibility.

The phrase fashionable transmitting method strikes me as an odd one. How about popular means of communication?

I will give you explanations for my suggestions as much as I can. Please feel free to ask any questions that occur to you. Any questions I can't answer Tdol can. :wink:

8)
 
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eric2004

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yep, sir, i know what you all mean now, indeed "useful" seems not very strict. :( i'm always careless in using right words in essays or make some stupid mistakes in grammar structure or other aspects. 5555
and hope you can pick on my essays, even just roughly. as i've said, it would be so nice and meaningful for me to improve writing skills.
btw, after my exam, hope we can communicate with each other more easily because now, i have to focus my attention on these boring topics of exams.
sigh, i love english, but it's too difficult for me.
and i know the sentence, god bless america, hmm. and the Britain queen.
hmm. all the world, notheless i'm not a christian.
i'm an anarch.
really envy your right of freedom. hope i can pass ielts and then go abroad. i really need all your helps. thanks.
hmm. fashionalbe transmitting method means the invention of the Internet is just a latest issue. anyway. your answers must be far better than mine.
 

RonBee

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A couple of comments.

God Bless America is a song. It's the British queen.

It's okay to be an anarchist. We have one or two on this forum. :wink:

You're really not doing all that badly, but do let your Is grow up (capitalization).

:D
 

RonBee

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More importantly, as Internet technology develops, computers will become more tightly connected with our social lives than ever before. Sometimes they even tend to be taken as the invasion into human society. Indeed, we may be definitely intoxicated with the world based on telecommunication and information technology socially and psychologically, because like book or TV of the past, we seem to be no choice but accept it.

  • More importantly, as Internet technology develops, computers will become more tightly connected to our social lives. Sometimes they even tend to be seen as an invasion into human society. Indeed, we may be definitely intoxicated with the world based on telecommunications and information technology socially and psychologically, because like books or TV of the past, we seem to have no choice but to accept it.

I think you should simplify that last sentence. I am not sure you are saying what you mean to say.

[/quote]Surely it can be argued that the Internet will soon replace print media because of its deficiencies such as inconvenience to read or harm for our health. But once again, it is only the matter of time that we can improve such technological issues with the development of science, especially the technique of AI.
  • Surely it can be argued that the Internet will soon replace print media because of their drawbacks such as inconvenience or harm to our health. But once again, it is only a matter of time that technological improvements will come about, especially with artificial intelligence.

I am not entirely sure what you are saying there except that reading is harmful to health. :wink:

Personally I feel strongly that once such technology bottlenecks are solved, print media would die out in the near future and at last we could communicate with other people anytime, anywhere solely via the Internet.

  • I feel strongly that once such technology bottlenecks are solved, print media will die out and we will communicate with other people anytime, anywhere solely via the Internet.

Hm.
 
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eric2004

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I think you should simplify that last sentence. I am not sure you are saying what you mean to say

Sir, do you think it's better " Nevertheless, whatever we regard this world based on telecommunications and information technology, eventually we will, like accepting TV which at one time threatened the status of traditional theatre , accept it. "


And I'm so sorry because of my carelessness and chinglish grammar. That paragraph should have been like that "

Surely it can be argued that the Internet, having many drawbacks such as inconvenience to read and harm to our health at present, is hard to replace the status of print media. But once again, it is only a matter of time, for technological improvements will come about, especially with artificial intelligence.


To sum up, thanks for all your helps correcting my essay.
I'm sorry I have to keep up disturbing you. Hope you won't feel like it :x
I am wishing one day i can give you help in return.
 

RonBee

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eric2004 said:
I think you should simplify that last sentence. I am not sure you are saying what you mean to say

Sir, do you think it's better " Nevertheless, whatever we regard this world based on telecommunications and information technology, eventually we will, like accepting TV which at one time threatened the status of traditional theatre , accept it. "

I am afraid it was better before. :(

I think what you are trying to say is that computers have become a very popular means of communication and to some extent have replaced more traditional media. I think what you are also saying is that computers as a means of communication have rapidly become an important part of people's everyday lives.

How am I doing? :D


eric2004 said:
And I'm so sorry because of my carelessness and chinglish grammar. That paragraph should have been like that "

I don't think you are careless. I think you are trying haed--perhaps too hard. By that I mean you have a tendency to make your sentences too complex. Try not to use too many $10 words. :wink:

eric2004 said:
Surely it can be argued that the Internet, having many drawbacks such as inconvenience to read and harm to our health at present, is hard to replace the status of print media. But once again, it is only a matter of time, for technological improvements will come about, especially with artificial intelligence.

There are a lot of problems with that, starting with the first sentence. For one thing, the suggestion is made the the Internet is inconvenient to read, but it is not something you can read. (It can, I suppose, be harmful to your health.) Also, is hard to replace the status of print media doesn't make sense. :(

When you say "it is only a matter of time" you have to follow that up with something. It is only a matter of time before what happens? You need to simplify.

eric2004 said:
To sum up, thanks for all your helps correcting my essay. I'm sorry I have to keep up disturbing you. Hope you won't feel like it :x I am wishing one day i can give you help in return.

Say:

  • To sum up, thanks for all your help correcting my essay. I'm sorry I have to keep disturbing you. I hope that one day I can help you in return.

The word help isn't generally pluralized. You can have more help, but you can't have two or more helps.

It's no bother.

You are already helping me by giving me something to do. :wink:
 
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eric2004

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By that I mean you have a tendency to make your sentences too complex. Try not to use too many $10 words.

Sir, i want to use simple sentence as well, but i fear i can't get an ideal performance in test.
That's a rub for me. I hope you can instruct me how to write such argument essay better with a simple style.
Thanks
 

RonBee

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eric2004 said:
By that I mean you have a tendency to make your sentences too complex. Try not to use too many $10 words.

Sir, i want to use simple sentence as well, but i fear i can't get an ideal performance in test.
That's a rub for me. I hope you can instruct me how to write such argument essay better with a simple style.
Thanks

Well, I don't know how they grade the test, but I think the important thing is to write clearly and understandably. Be sure you have a good understanding of the words you use. Be sure a word is compatible with its neighbors. Some words don't get along very well with certain other words. If you use words that are unhappy with each other that will lead to awkward or difficult to understand sentences.

:wink:
 

Tdol

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Here's a very good essay on English style by one of the greatest writers of the twentieth century. I think the points he makes are worth reading. He was a fine novelist and one of the greatest essay writers ever:
http://www.mtholyoke.edu/acad/intrel/orwell46.htm
;-)
 

Tdol

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Exams may be dull, but they are good training.
 
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eric2004

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Whoa, thanks you all. Sir RonBee, I think fluent way in english writing is hard to understand for non-native writer. There is a different cultural problem.
Sometimes I thought i did a good job, but it is very disturbing when I showed it to native writers. Because not only you, but aslo that Chinese-American gril, you all failed to understand me.
5555. I think i have run into troubles.
Hmm, I need make my essay with more simple sentences? I'm reading the essay Sir tdol mentioned now. Sigh, sometimes many chinese students, including me, can't understand the meaning and writing struture of foreighners.
That's a bid deal.
 
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