proofreading

Status
Not open for further replies.

peter123

Senior Member
Joined
Sep 13, 2007
Member Type
Student or Learner
Native Language
Arabic
Home Country
Malaysia
Current Location
Hong Kong
Hi there,

please proofread the following sentences.

Thanks



1. I would appreciate the opportunity to put my knowledge and skills on sales to work for your company.
2. I gain considerable experience in organising activities in my part time jobs as a promoter.
3. Helping others will bring me a great sense of satisfaction. Last year, in a visit to an elderly centre, I was responsible for teaching the elderly to use computers. In this activity, I sensed the enthusiasm of the elderly in learning new things, and I felt a great sense of accomplishment in the visit.


pete
 

peter123

Senior Member
Joined
Sep 13, 2007
Member Type
Student or Learner
Native Language
Arabic
Home Country
Malaysia
Current Location
Hong Kong
hi there,

a salesperson

thanks
pete
 

David L.

VIP Member
Joined
Nov 7, 2007
Member Type
Other
I would appreciate the opportunity to put my knowledge and skills in sales to work for your company.

2. I have gained considerable experience in organizational skills from arranging activities (do you mean 'event's) as a part-time promoter.


3. Helping others will bring me a great sense of satisfaction. Last year, in a visit to an elderly centre, I was responsible for teaching the elderly to use computers. In this activity, I sensed the enthusiasm of the elderly in learning new things, and I felt a great sense of accomplishment in the visit.

Can I just check - why are you including this? Has the job advert asked something about 'helping others'?? Is this selling some 'helpful' product??
 

peter123

Senior Member
Joined
Sep 13, 2007
Member Type
Student or Learner
Native Language
Arabic
Home Country
Malaysia
Current Location
Hong Kong
HI there,
Thanks a lot.
The following is not part of the letter. I just wrote for proofreading. Could you just read and see if there is any mistake. Thanks a lot.

Helping others will bring me a great sense of satisfaction. Last year, in a visit to an elderly centre, I was responsible for teaching the elderly to use computers. In this activity, I sensed the enthusiasm of the elderly in learning new things, and I felt a great sense of accomplishment in the visit.

pete
 

David L.

VIP Member
Joined
Nov 7, 2007
Member Type
Other
Helping others

will bring : if something is already organized where you will shortly be helping people.
otherwise:
would bring : if you are seeking some opportunity to help - IF I had the opportunity, then (it would bring satisfaction.)


me a great sense of satisfaction. Last year, in a visit to

a centre for retired people : don't use 'elderly' as it is then repeated in the next part of the sentence. What was the centre? Can you think of any other simple description?

I was responsible for teaching the elderly to use computers. (In this activity-omit), I sensed the enthusiasm of the elderly in learning new things, and (I-omit) felt a great sense of accomplishment in the visit.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top