Rebecca barged into the bedroom

Bassim

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I am wondering if my sentences are grammatically correct.

Rebecca barged into the bedroom and found her husband kissing their au pair. Rage blurred her vision. She wanted to strangle them both, first her, quickly, like you twist the neck of a chicken, and then him, torturing him slowly to the end.
 

Barb_D

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Perhaps a colon after "both" as the sentence gets rather wonky as it continues.

I believe you break the neck of a chicken - I don't think that the same as strangling, is it?
 

Bassim

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You are right. I did't think about it when I wrote my sentences.

Maybe I should write my second sentence in this way:

She wanted to kill him both: first her, breaking her neck like you do with a chicken and then him, torturing him slowly and strangling him in the end.
 

emsr2d2

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You are right. I did't think about it when I wrote my sentences.

Maybe I should write my second sentence in this way:

She wanted to kill him both: first her, breaking her neck like you do with a chicken and then him, torturing him slowly and strangling him in the end.

I don't like the underlined part. It suggests that you think all your readers will be familiar with killing chickens (I mean that they have actually done it).
 

Bassim

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emsr2d2,

With all respect, I don't agree with you. Many people have never killed anyone with a gun, a knife or a stone, but they understand when a writer compares killing using these weapons or tools or mentioning these ways of killing. The majority of people have never experienced torture, but they will make their own picture of torture when they read that word. Many people have never been drunk or have never seen a drunk person especially in Arab countries. Does that mean that you should not write, "he behaved like a drunk" because some people do not know how it feels to be drunk? They must use their own imagination to create a picture of a drunk.
Readers have to use their own mind and imagination and not only read a sentence and then read another without thinking about what they are reading.
The majority of people have never used drugs and they have never seen a drug addict, but they understand if you write, "he behaved like intoxicated."
If you write "he behaved like a madman" readers get a different picture of that person. A psychiatrist will have a certain picture of him, a person suffering from mental illness another, and those who have never seen a mentally ill person or never suffered from a mental illness will think of him in their own way. I as a man do not know how it feels to be pregnant or to have a menopause, but I must use my own imagination to understand what is happening with a woman's body in those conditions.
 
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Tdol

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I believe you break the neck of a chicken - I don't think that the same as strangling, is it?

In BrE, we talk of wringing a chicken's neck.
 

Barb_D

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So maybe... first her, wringing her neck like a chicken, and then him,


(And sheesh. I still think it's an over-reaction to a kiss. I can't spend my alimony money if he's a corpse and I'm in jail.)
 

Bassim

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Barb_D

She only wanted. That doesn't mean she would do that. Regarding revenge, I think that women are more subtle than men, especially if the object of their anger is another woman. I have seen women reducing other women to tears with just a few words. At least men are more direct. They insult each other or use physical violence.
 
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