Request of correction of CPE formal letter

Englisherin

New member
Joined
Dec 23, 2020
Member Type
Student or Learner
Native Language
Italian
Home Country
Italy
Current Location
Italy
Hello!
I'm currently prepararing for CPE. Responding to the following question:

TASK
You have read the text below which is an extract from a magazine article on the declining role in the family of fathers today. You decide to write a letter responding to the points raised and describing a person who, in your opinion, has been an ideal father.


TEXT
A father is more than a male parent. Fathering a child is easy - being a father is not. Many people say that fathers no longer have a clear role in the family. They spend most of their time outside the home and never really get to know their children. Without models to follow, how can today's boys understand the concept of "being a father"? Are there no real fathers today?

I have written the letter below. I'd really appreciate some feedback and corrections, in particular regarding the letter's structure, the grammar and vocab which I've used, and ways to improve my writing.
Thank you so much in advance! :)

MY LETTER
Dear Sir or Madam,
I am writing in response to the article, published on your magazine, about how the concept of fatherhood is evolving and, in particular, how the role of fathers has become increasingly unsignificant as men spend more and more time far from the family, thus diminishing their bond with the children.

While on one hand I do see the writer’s point in affirming that fatherhood is far from easy, and requires the establishment of a strong affectual connection with the children, on the other hand I must disagree with those who belittle the importance of fathers in today’s families.
In fact, it is no novelty that fathers tend to spend more time away from home than the mothers – less involved as women regrettably are in the working life. However, they do not consequently cease to exercise the role of fathers: conversely, I believe that their major commitment to working activities does not undermine their link to the family and children in particular, as long as they adequately cultivate that bond in those few, precious moments when the family is reunited.

In support of my thesis, I cannot but mention the example of my own father, who has, throughout my childhood, constantly been away from home because of his very demanding job, but who has nonetheless been able to form a strong bond with me and my siblings. He has, in fact, always represented the ideal figure of a father, in particular in his willingness to provide us with anything we might be in need of, despite the physical distance.

In conclusion, I do not share the point of view of those who regard the role of being a father as a declining one. On the contrary, to the last question posed by the author I convincedly respond that indeed, real fathers thankfully continue to walk the Earth, and those of us who have been lucky enough to experience being brought up by one understand how precious they are.

Yours faithfully,
Mary Smith
 

teechar

Moderator
Staff member
Joined
Feb 18, 2015
Member Type
English Teacher
Native Language
English
Home Country
Iraq
Current Location
Iraq
Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing in response to the article, published [STRIKE]on[/STRIKE] in your magazine, about how the concept of fatherhood is evolving and, in particular, how the role of fathers has become [STRIKE]increasingly unsignificant[/STRIKE]* less significant as men spend more and more time far from the family, thus diminishing their bond with the children.

While on one hand I do see the writer’s point in affirming that fatherhood is far from easy and requires the establishment of a strong affectual connection with the children, on the other hand I must disagree with those who belittle the importance of fathers in today’s families.

In fact, it is no [STRIKE]novelty[/STRIKE] surprise that fathers tend to spend more time away from home than [STRIKE]the[/STRIKE] do mothers, since in many families, the father is the main breadwinner.**[STRIKE]– less involved as women regrettably are in the working life.[/STRIKE] However, they do not [STRIKE]consequently[/STRIKE] necessarily cease to exercise the role of fathers. [STRIKE]conversely,[/STRIKE] I believe that their [STRIKE]major[/STRIKE] commitment to work [STRIKE]working activities[/STRIKE] does not undermine their link to the family and children in particular, as long as they adequately cultivate that bond in those few, precious moments when the family is together. [STRIKE]reunited.[/STRIKE]

In support of my [STRIKE]thesis,[/STRIKE] view, I cannot but mention the example of my own father, who has, throughout my childhood, constantly been away from home because of his very demanding job, but who has, nonetheless, been able to form a strong bond with me and my siblings. He has, in fact, always represented the ideal figure of a father who always provides for, cares about and loves his family [STRIKE]in particular in his willingness to provide us with anything we might be in need of,[/STRIKE] despite the physical distance.

In conclusion, I do not share the point of view of those who regard the role of being a father as being in decline. [STRIKE]a declining one.[/STRIKE] On the contrary, to the last question posed by the author, I [STRIKE]convincedly[/STRIKE] adamantly respond that indeed, real fathers, thankfully, continue to walk the Earth, and those of us who have been lucky enough to experience being brought up by one understand how precious they are.

Yours faithfully,

Mary Smith
* "unsignificant" is not a word; the antonym of "significant" is "insignificant".
** That could be controversial, and "the working life" is not natural. Always focus on the ideas instead of on fancy phrasing. Examiners can see through that, and if you make a mistake, they punish you.
 
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